The Classroom! A Monologue

The Classroom! A Monologue

Now, now children, settle down. Who can remember what it is we say first thing in the morning when our teacher enters the classroom? Anyone…anyone? Norman, good boy! What do we say?

‘Good Morning, Miss Bigbottom.’

No, Norman, I think you know that’s not right. We say,

‘Good Morning Miss Rowbottom.’

That’s right now everyone sit down please. No Johnny, no, we do not say,

‘Good Morning, Miss Fat Arse.’

And in any case we have moved on from there.

Now I thought this morning we would have a little musical interlude and perhaps learn a new song or sing one of our old favourites. As you can see Mrs Clapton is already seated at the piano just waiting for us to decide which song we would like to sing. No, Penelope I don’t think Mrs Clapton will know any Take That songs. No dear, I don’t think she will know any One Direction songs either. Well, you can ask… Yes, I rather thought that might be the case.

Now do we have any other suggestions? What about you Rupert, you usually have something to say. What have you got in your mouth, Rupert? Have you not had any breakfast? Oh, you did, well…now, what is poor Nancy going to eat at lunchtime? Nancy, there’s no need to cry dear…or rock backwards and forwards like that and don’t exaggerate either. No, it is not the end of civilization as we know it, but well done to you for knowing such a big word as civilization. Please stop rocking like that and no, don’t wail either, dear. I will find you something for your lunch. No I’m afraid I don’t have any Jam and Pork Scratching sandwiches or Banana and Pilchard. Yes, dear they may be your favourites but they are not mine.

Can we move on please? We still need to decide on a song. Oh yes, that is an excellent choice Miranda but I rather think Good King Wenceslas is more appropriate for Christmas. It would sound a trifle odd in the middle of summer. Oh yes, now that is a good suggestion Johnny. Hands up those who would like to sing Humpty Dumpty? You don’t know the words…what about you Johnny, do you know all the words? Right then wait for Mrs Clapton to play the introduction and then children listen to Johnny. Right… now then, Johnny, off you go…No, Johnny, no…stop right there…

‘Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall; Humpty Dumpty had a great fall…all the kings’ horses and all the kings men…had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.’

Johnny, I think you know those are not the words. Oh, yes, that’s a much better choice providing you know the proper words…okay, if you’re sure. Then Mrs Clapton will play the introduction for ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ instead. Right off you go Johnny.

‘Mary had a little pig, she kept it fat and plastered, and when the price of pork went up, she shot the little bastard?’

No, stop, Johnny, stop! I’m sorry but I really think I must choose a song that everyone will know the words to. No, don’t throw that book, Johnny, and don’t bite poor Jennifer. Now look what you’ve done poor Jennifer is crying. Yes, go and say sorry. No she doesn’t want you to kiss her…because she doesn’t like it. What’s that, Jennifer…he put his tongue where? Oh Johnny, you are being a little rascal today. No Mrs Clapton, he’s usually such a good boy. All right, Johnny but this really is your last chance. What are you going to sing for us now, dear? Oh, yes, that is a good choice. Off you go.

‘Georgie Porgy pudding and pie kissed the girls and made them cry, when the boys came out to play, he kissed them too cause he was gay.’

Oh, dear, oh dear, I really thought this time you could be trusted but no…

What’s that you say, Mrs Clapton? No, dear, I don’t think I’m familiar with those lyrics either.

Yes, Miranda, I think perhaps your choice might just be a good one after all. Okay, everyone let’s all sing Good King Wenceslas. Ready Mrs Clapton…

No stop, Johnny, if you are going to carry on like that I really will have to send you out of the room. Why? Because you know very well the words to that lovely Christmas carol are not

‘Good king went for a slash.’ Well, because, because…never mind…go back to your place and we will see what else we can come up with.

Philip, don’t do that…because it’s not nice and Jamie doesn’t want you to wipe it on his jumper and Philip, dear, can you find another word, please? For the one you just used. Well, because ‘Snot’ is not a nice word. Well, we’ll just have to discuss it another time.

What’s that, Rufus, you know a nice song…yes, of course, dear, of course you can sing it. Mrs Clapton will play you in…

‘Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jill came down with half a crown,
But not for fetching water.’

NO! STOP! I think you’ve been taking lessons from Johnny. No, no, they are not the words! Mrs Clayton play me in, dear, and I will sing the second verse.

‘Up Jack got, and home did trot,
As fast as he could caper,
To old Dame Dob, who patched his nob
With vinegar and brown paper.’

Now then, children…stop all that giggling. No, I did not sing a rude word and no there is no need to tell your mothers… I’d rather you didn’t. We don’t want to upset the School Governors now, do we? Why…because they can be a very narrow minded bunch of individuals! What’s that you say, Jennifer…Your daddy is Chairman of the school Governors…is he? How lovely…that is a nice surprise!

Now then, can we get back to the song? No, on second thoughts…we don’t seem to be in the right mood for a song but Miranda’s choice of Christmas Carols has given me an idea. I think perhaps if we all get out our writing books we can do some nice writing and perhaps write something for the Nativity play. Won’t that be nice?

Johnny, what is it now dear? No, no, no…we don’t say it like that,

‘Miss I ‘aint got a pencil! No…we say it like this,

‘Please Miss I haven’t got a pencil. She hasn’t got a pencil. He hasn’t got a pencil.’

‘Well, who the fuck’s got all the pencils?’ is definitely not what we say, Johnny.

Now then who wants to be baby Jesus, no Johnny, I’m afraid not. Well, because I don’t think you’re Jesus material! Who wants to play Joseph? No, Miranda, I don’t think so. What about you Rupert? Oh…you want to play Mary! Oh, dear, this is going to be more difficult than first anticipated. Okay, I will have to decide so…

Norman I want you to play Joseph and you, Penelope, will play Mary. No, Johnny, I’m afraid not. Well, because last year, against my better judgement, I let you play the Inn Keeper and it was a mistake. Why, because after we had spent months rehearsing, even bringing in a real live donkey for the stable scene you brought the play to an abrupt end by going off script. As a result there was no need for the stable or the three wise men and the donkey barely got a look in.

Well, you might not remember but I certainly do. It is forever etched in my memory. Yes, yes…you did. When Joseph asked if there was any room at the Inn you said,

‘Yes, mate, come on in!’

Rendering the rest of the play redundant, no not like your Daddy. That might be what he tells Mummy but I’ve seen him coming out of…never mind…

Oh, and speaking of redundancy, children, as you will all be leaving at the end of term, I think, perhaps, we should forget about the Nativity play as our time might be better spent giving some thought as to what sort of employment you will be seeking!
End