The Male Menopause!

The Male Menopause!

There is a body of opinion that thinks there is no such thing as the Male Menopause but we at The Agnes McDonald Centre for Women in Crisis disagree. Our members have been profoundly affected by the Male Menopause and with one characteristic in particular. The characteristic of which I speak is known in the medical profession as OWS or as our members know it, Other Woman Syndrome. One of the first signs of this male madness is an unusual preoccupation with one’s appearance, often characterized by frequent washing, tucking one’s shirt in and combing the hair forward …should there still be any left!

However, The Agnes McDonald Centre for Women in Crisis is an organization dedicated to the welfare of women and as such we feel it is our duty to alert women, particularly middle aged married women to this distressing condition which is a feature of the Male Menopause. Apart from the symptoms listed above if you have noticed a marked change in your husband’s habits, such as regular bathing, putting on clean socks or, in the more advanced cases…changing underpants more frequently then you really need to contact our support team who will visit you in your own home if necessary.

Sadly, we have noticed that OWS is a progressive condition with many men showing early symptoms such as lying through their teeth by adopting the lad’s night out euphemism and coming home with the stench of another woman’s perfume and sometimes even lipstick on their clothing. Obviously, this causes our members a great deal of distress, particularly as they are probably still washing the two timing Bastards, I beg your pardon, Husband’s clothes.

Though the consequences of OWS are undoubtedly distressing to both parties still it is the affronted wife who, in her distress, insists her errant husband must undergo a course of remedial treatment in the hope of a lasting cure if the couple are to stand any chance of reconciliation. We in the organization, however, feel that it is not just the wife who is suffering here. The poor, two-timing Husband is a martyr to this dreadful affliction too and should be afforded our utmost sympathy.

Fortunately, there are a number of treatments our organization recommends to cure this distressing condition and help bring about a satisfactory conclusion to both parties. However, if the Husband has not actually left the conjugal home in favour of “The Other Woman” then little needs to be done as it is usually enough to cook one or two nice meals, start wearing lipstick again and discard the baggy tee- shirt and trackie bottoms in favour of something a little more alluring.

In this regard, it might be worth considering a visit to one of the well known Anne Summers chain of shops as they do seem to stock the sort of clothes that keep a man interested in his wife during this difficult phase in his life. A French Maid’s outfit, for example, complete with suspenders often seems to do the trick.

However, do choose wisely and act responsibly as one middle aged lady bought just that very item and her husband was so taken with how it looked, he persuaded her to wear it for work. I have to tell you now the School Governors took a very dim view of the Headmistress of Cheltenham Ladies College wearing a French Maid’s outfit! She might have got away with it if only she hadn’t chosen Parent’s Day to wear it!

Happily, thanks to our intervention, the couple are now completely reconciled and although the lady in question did lose her job; nevertheless, she is ecstatically happy running a kind of guest house in the Montpelier district of France. Similar to our B and B’s but with a Gaelic twist as the lady in question is now the proud Madame of a Brothel and Breakfast!

Anyway to continue with the help we offer our members, it is necessary to outline our methods in order to decide on the correct treatment. For example, if your Husband has actually left the conjugal home then the situation has reached Def Com One. Fortunately, this is easily treated by making sure “The Other Woman’s” reputation is ruined by putting it about that she has taken many lovers even while in the process of detaching your Husband from the erstwhile safety of your ample bosom. Incidentally, I believe there is a treatment now on the market for erstwhile bosoms which I’m sure could be of benefit with your posture!

If it should come to pass that your poor Husband is not at all put off by our judicious use of rumour concerning the tawdry behaviour on the part of his Mistress, and steadfastly refuses to return to the conjugal home then the danger level has increased to Def Com Two. Unfortunately, at this time, treatment for sufferers that reach Def Com Two is very limited. Further research is needed in this area but at the moment the only available treatment is to have him knee capped on his way home from work.

Happily, this often brings about a favourable response particularly as being incapacitated for a number of weeks causes the errant husband to return home as usually “The Other Woman” does not consider herself nursemaid material. As a result the Husband becomes entirely dependent on his wife to nurse him back to rude health. Something the wife can see takes a little longer than perhaps is necessary.

At our meetings, however, we do try to teach our members forbearance and even forgiveness as their men folk are suffering from a known medical affliction despite the many assertions to the contrary. These poor men are physically ill and in our opinion suffer as much as their wives in this situation and need sympathetic handling as well as a degree of understanding to overcome these distressing symptoms.

However, if the condition has progressed to where the Husband has become a serial philanderer then I’m afraid the situation has reached Def Com Three. Now this is a much more serious situation and requires very delicate handling and a compassionate understanding of the needs of the poor sufferer. I’m afraid, here to, not enough money has been spent on researching the advanced stages of this debilitating illness. The only procedure we have found to be efficacious in treating this chronic symptom is to gently apply electrodes to the genital area and then quickly turn the current to maximum. Should your Husband give a blood curling scream at this point please don’t show any anxiety as this can upset the patient and in any event it is quite unnecessary as it is all quite normal and perfectly routine. The good news is that this treatment is widely acknowledged as being most likely to have a beneficial effect on the sufferer and more often than not results in a complete cure!

Furthermore, there is no need for any anxiety on your part as our members are taught at what stage of the condition these various treatments are introduced as it is certainly not our policy to encourage members to act willy-nilly. No, indeed, surely that is what has brought us to this sorry position in the first place as willy has been allowed out without nilly, so to speak. Besides, that is not what a support group such as ours is about.

We are proud of the fact that we have a ninety-five percent success rate. The other five percent unfortunately were incurable and found themselves issued with a Code Red and so have had a higher calling, shall we say, and are no longer in danger of upsetting their wives as rat poison has had a salutary effect on their behaviour.

In closing there is little more I can add except to say that should any woman find herself in any of the situations already mentioned then it is important for her to know that she is not on her own as help is available. Our contact details are printed in our informative leaflet
The Male Menopause – Its Treatment and Cure!