Nutters in May -A short sketch from the 2015 Parkinson's show.

For Bee

Nutters in May!  – 1860 Words

A Parody of Nuts in May 
 
The period is late 1960’s.  A middle class couple go on a camping trip.  The man, Roger, is very pompous and patronizing and the woman, Pixie Amaryllis is a flower power disciple who is totally dominated by Roger but she is also very naive.  They have just arrived at the camping site. 

Sound Effect – A burst of birdsong before Pixie speaks

Pixie Amaryllis:
Where are you going Roger?

Roger:
I won’t be long Pixie Amaryllis.  I’m just going to see where we can pitch our tent.

Pixie:
I want to come too, Roger.

Roger:
No, Pixie Amaryllis, you must stay here and do a very important job.

Pixie:
Oh, what is it you want me to do, Roger, and is it really important?

Roger:
Yes, it’s very, very important.  

Pixie:
How exciting!  Tell me, tell me quick.

Roger:
I’m going to entrust you to look after the map and the Tourist Brochure.

Pixie:
Oh, Roger, that isn’t very exciting.

Roger:
But it is very important if we are to have an interesting holiday.  

Pixie:
I would rather come with you, Roger.

Roger:
Pixie Amaryllis, we need the brochure to decide where to go and we need the map to find the way.  That is why you are the only person I would trust to do such an important job.

Pixie:
Really Roger.  You wouldn’t give this job to anyone but me?

Roger:
That’s right, Pixie Amaryllis.

Pixie:
Oh, thank you, Roger.  You find out where we can pitch the tent and I will take care of the map, and look in the brochure to find somewhere interesting for us to visit tomorrow.  

Roger:
No, Pixie Amaryllis, that is not within your remit. Where to go must always be for the man to decide.

Pixie:
That’s not fair.  I never get to hold the map or anything.

Roger:
Well now, here’s your chance and as a reward you may take a sheet of paper from my itinerary book.

Pixie:
Oh! Wonderful!

Roger:
Oh, very well, you may use my special biro pen too, so you can make a list of the meals you are going to cook.  

Pixie:
I don’t think much of your reward. 

Roger:
Now, Pixie Amaryllis, don’t be a sulky sweet potato.

Pixie:
Am I still your sweet potato, Roger?

Roger:
Yes, you are still my sweet potato, and your best boy will be very pleased with his potato, if you come up with a good healthy menu.

Pixie:
I’ll do my best.

Roger:
Good girl. No need to worry about breakfast each morning.  We will have our usual bowl of nut muesli with goat’s milk.  We need that for the roughage.

Pixie:
Oh, but, Roger, I don’t like nut muesli, can’t I have something else?

Roger:
No, Pixie Amaryllis, we must look after our bowels.

Pixie:
Can’t they look after themselves while we’re on holiday?

Roger:
No, sweet potato, one should never be flippant about one’s bowels.  And it is only a small tent.  If your usual trouble comes back, then there will be no living with you.

Pixie:
What do you mean?

Roger:
Well, last time it was so bad the World Health Organization made enquiries to Nato asking if someone had let one off.

Pixie:
What do you mean?

Roger:
A bomb,  They suspected it was fallout from a bomb.

Pixie:
Oh, I think that is a joke.  Is it, Roger?

Roger:
Yes, Pixie Amaryllis, that was, indeed, a joke.

Pixie:
Oh, all right, while you are gone I will try to come up with some really nice ideas for our meals.  

Roger:
Good girl.

Pixie:
Will I be cooking on an open fire?

Roger:
Yes, I think so.  We want to live the country life, do we not?  

Pixie:
Then we will be like real country people because they always cook on an open fire, don’t they, Roger?  They don’t have electricity and cooking stoves like we do, do they?

Roger:
I’m not sure about that, Pixie Amaryllis.  I think they may have come on a bit since then.

Pixie:
I’m sure I read  it somewhere.

Roger:
Okay.  Well, you just make your list while I am gone.

Exit Roger stage left

Pixie: (Speaking aloud)
Hmm! Now let me see.  Today we will have Lentil Surprise for dinner and for tea we will have Lentil Surprise again.  That will be the surprise.  (PAUSE)  

Then, tomorrow, I will make Shaved Cabbage and Sprout Salad for dinner, with Carrot, Date and Feta Salad for tea.  For the next day Smoked Aubergine and Pea curry for dinner with roasted beets for tea.  

Enter  Roger

Roger:
Right Pixie Amaryllis, I’ve got our pitch allocation so now the holiday can really begin.

Pixie:
And I have started on the menu for the week.  Would you like to hear what meals I shall make?

Roger:
No, that can wait until after we have got the tent pitched.

Pixie:
Oh Roger, that’s not fair I’ve put a lot of thought into what we will eat and I have included some of your favourites.

Sound effect of  rumbling thunder
Roger:
Oh, very well, Pixie Amaryllis.  But on your head be it, if it starts raining.

Pixie:
Oh, Roger, of course it will be…and on yours too but then, your hair always looks like it’s been in a downpour.

Roger:
Now then, let’s not be flippant. Tell me what you have planned.

Pixie:
Today I am going to cook Lentil Surprise for dinner and for tea. 

Roger:
What  twice on the same day?

Pixie:
Yes, that’s the surprise.

Roger: (sounding disappointed)
Oh how ingenious…I will look forward to that.

Pixie:
Then tomorrow I will make Shaved Cabbage and Sprout Salad.  Doesn’t that sound nice, Roger?

Roger:
Yes, Pixie Amaryllis it certainly does and what shall we have for tea?

Pixie:
Your favourite, Roger, Carrot, Date and Feta Salad. Then, wait for it…

Sound Effect of Rumbling thunder

Roger:
I really don’t have time for…

Pixie:
The next day I will make Smoked Aubergine and Pea curry for dinner with roasted beets for tea.  Has your sweet potato done well?

Roger:
Yes Pixie Amaryllis, you have done well.  I shall certainly   look forward to eating the food on your very extensive menu.

Pixie:
Is that all you’re going to say?

Roger:
For the moment, yes, because now we need to pitch the tent as it looks like some inclement weather is on the way.

Sound Effect More Thunder.  
They fiddle about with some poles and a canvas.

Roger:
Pixie Amaryllis, how many more times not like that, like this.

Pixie:
No need to shout Roger.

Roger:
At this rate it will be raining before we get the tent up.

Pixie:
I’m doing my best.

Roger:
Well, it’s not good enough.

Pixie:
If you are going to be nasty and shout at me then I shall play my guitar and sing.

Roger:
Pixie Amaryllis, my sweet potato, I didn’t mean it.  It is just the weather, it really looks like a storm is heading this way.   Come and help your best boy pitch the tent.

Pixie:
Only if you promise to be nice.

Roger:
I promise, now grab hold of that tent pole.  Not that one you stupid…sweet potato.   I mean the pole that matches up with my one.  They are all colour coded.  Now do you get the idea, Pixie Amaryllis?

Pixie:
You’re still being nasty so I’m not going to help. 

Roger:
But I need you to help.

Pixie:
No! I shall sit here and write a poem about how nasty you are being. Now then, what rhymes with Roger? Dodger (PAUSE) Lodger (PAUSE) no, I want something more unusual. Roger is Todger a word?

Roger coughs loudly 

Pixie: 
Todger!  That would fit in very nicely.  What is a Todger, Roger?

Roger: 
I can’t think at the moment.  Oh, come now, sweet potato, you know I can’t pitch the tent without your help.

Pixie:
You should have thought of that before, so now you can sod off!

Roger:
Pixie Amaryllis!  Where did you learn a word like that?

Pixie:
At the Women’s Refuge where I help out and that’s not the only one I’ve learned.  Starting with the ‘A’s there’s…Arse, oh, I can’t remember the ‘A’s, but I can remember some of the ‘B’s.  There’s bloody, bleeding, bum, bast…and that’s only the B’s.

Roger:
Pixie Amaryllis, I forbid you to go back there.  

Pixie:
Why?

Roger:
Because after the B’s come the C’s.

Pixie:
So, what’s wrong with the C’s?

Roger:
Pixie Amaryllis, I forbid you to go back there, do you understand? 

Pixie:
Yes, Roger.
  
Roger:
Ah, now here comes the rain just as we managed to get the tent pitched.  Now you make up the sleeping bags while I put the kettle on.

Pixie:
Roger shall I zip the two single sleeping bags together so that it makes a double sleeping bag?

Roger:
Certainly not, Pixie Amaryllis.  We are not married so we must observe the proprieties.

Pixie: (Sounding disappointed)
Oh, when I told the women at the Refuge Centre that we were going camping they said we should share a sleeping bag.

Roger:
Did they indeed.

Pixie:
Yes, they said if we shared a sleeping bag I would lose my cherry but I think I must have lost it already because I haven’t seen it, have you? 

Roger:
Erm, no I don’t believe I have.

Pixie:
But, Roger, if we shared a sleeping bag you might be able to find it. 

Roger:
Inside Pixie Amaryllis and get straight in to your sleeping bag.  I am just going over to have a cold shower.

Pixie:
Why do you need a shower now Roger?  It’s pouring with rain.
Roger:
Because all this talk of cherries and todgers has caused a disturbance and it is just possible something might make an appearance.

Pixie: (Claps hands)
Oh goody, how exciting!  I love surprises.

Roger:
I do too but I don’t think, sweet potato, that you’re quite ready for a surprise such as the one you might get.  So, now you must try to go to sleep.  Goodnight Pixie Amaryllis.

Pixie:
Goodnight Roger, and now that you are being nice, before I go to sleep I shall write a limerick that has just popped into my head.  It goes something like this,

There once was a man named Roger   
Who went in search of a todger
He looked all around
But not one was found
So stole the one from his lodger.

Oh I’ve just remembered the ladies at the Refuge wrote one about me becoming a magician.  

Roger:
Really.  Well, I'm glad they've stopped putting rude ideas into your head. 

Pixie:
Would you like to hear it  Roger?

Roger:
Indeed I would.

Pixie:
Okay.

There once was a girl a bit ditzy
Who on one occasion got tipsy
Then to her delight
She twice got a sight
Now no one turns tricks like our Pixie

Pixie:
Did you like it, Roger?

Roger: (Coughing)
I think it's time to say goodnight Pixie Amaryllis.

Pixie:
Oh, okay.  Goodnight Roger.

Roger:
Goodnight Pixie Amaryllis.

End