The Pensioner!

The Pensioner’s Tale!

It’s Saturday today, otherwise I would have started but there would be little point.  No, not with what I’ve got planned. You see we’re all going to meet at the village hall.  It should be good.  We know how to enjoy ourselves, us pensioners.  Five pound a ticket, cheap at half the price, well, it would be wouldn’t it if it was half the price.  I’ve never understood that.  Still, can’t get stuck on the idiosyncrasies of our usage of the English language.  Ooh, hark at me!  Sound like an Open University student.  Was once not anymore though…not since I found out that you had to be clever to belong!

I thought you just did a bit of reading and then wrote a bit about it.  Seemed like it was something I could do but then they started to…started to… expect…opinions!  Well I’ve never been good on opinions.  If ever I used to argue with my Mum she would always say ‘Don’t contradict” so I never did or do.  So obviously not good material for the OU that’s what we insiders call it.  We’re allowed to be on very familiar terms, even ex students, like me.  Student, who am I trying to kid. I blame that film you know the one called “Educating Rita.” Well, do you know what I found to be the hardest thing about my experience with the OU, keeping up with that Liverpudlian accent?

Well, not surprising really not when you think I’m an Essex girl through and through.  Yes white stilettos and black stockings that’s me.  Not like them TOWIES of today,  All fake tans and boob jobs and the way they speak they sound so uneducated not like the Essex girls of my day.  We had standards.  Wouldn’t be seen dead in a long skirt, no!  We knew how to dress.   We wouldn’t venture from the house unless we were in a mini skirt and tottering about on white stilettos with black tights or stockings and travelling on the top deck of a bus going to Basildon. Those were the days.  Oh and I never had an oil can.  Nor, for that matter was I a hairdresser so I never had the necessary qualifications to do well with the OU, did I?

What would you know you don’t even know me?  So just keep your nose out of it.

Anyway, back to today because that was all a long time ago and it does no good to dwell.  Best to always look ahead, well you bump into things if you don’t and I’m always doing that.  Now where was I?  Oh, I know, today at the village hall.  Five pound a ticket, cheap at half the price.  I’ve never understood that.   Well if it’s half the price it would be cheaper, wouldn’t it?  I’ve never understood…hang on…have I said that before?  Well, why didn’t you say?  I can’t do everything, you have to play your part too, you know, if this is going to be a meaningful engagement, so to speak.

They’ll all be there…my friends, all of us knocking on a bit but oh, we do know how to enjoy ourselves.  Our gang always sit together which doesn’t make us popular with the others because we move tables and chairs so we can be together and if we go on a coach we all sit at the back because we’re so noisy.  Well, when you’ve only got a few good years left you have to make the most of it.  I can’t be doing with all that oh no, I couldn’t possibly I’m too tired.  You’ve got to have some get up and go or it does, get up and go.

So that brings us to today. Ooh I am looking forward to it.  The village hall is only over the road from where I live so not far for me but my friends all live in the town which is four miles away but they still drive so it’s no distance.  I’m up early so I’ll be ready on time.  Mind you, I’m always up early goes with the territory.  By that I mean pensioners because the word is synonymous with insomniacs.  There I go again, see, you can’t disguise an OU education.  Did I tell you ex students are allowed to be familiar with the nomenclature?  I think you can probably see from this that I would have done very well if it hadn’t been for the fact that they expected me to have opinions.  Opinions can be very troublesome.  One never knows which way they are going to jump so I can never get my response right.  It can be very embarrassing if one gauges it wrong.

Like, for example, if someone asks you for your opinion on something they are wearing and they preface their remark with “Give me your honest opinion, what does this look like on me?  Does it look all right?” But you think it looks hideous so what does one do. Trying to be polite I just say “Well the front looks lovely but I’m not too sure about the back.” This gets a frosty reception so I counter “But that is probably because you are so slim with such a lovely figure it doesn’t quite do you justice at the back” That usually brightens them up but then someone else comes in and says “You're never going out in that...it looks awful?" So another friend bites the dust because it now looks like you were trying to make your friend, now ex friend, look a fool.  So then you say “Oh, but if anyone can pull it off it’s you, dear.”  But she says, “Yes, that’s exactly what I am going to do…pull it off.  If I had listened to you…”

Well, one can’t win them all so I think to myself sod it!  You can’t get it right all the time.

Anyway back to today.  I expect you’re wondering what we are going to be doing  and why it would be no good to start doing that other thing today.  It’s not a secret or anything just in case you were wondering, no, not at all.   People often feel a person is keeping things secret when they’re not really.  It’s just that they get sidetracked a bit.  I know a lot of people like that, though I’m not like it myself but I can recognise it in other people. You know what I mean people that go right round the houses to get to the point that is if they can still remember what the point is.  Though once again I’m lucky in that respect too because I’ve got an exceptional memory.  I never forget anything and I don’t go all round the houses either.  No, I get straight to the point.  The nub, I think it’s called.  See, they are the sort of words a person learns if they study with the OU.  I did tell you I once studied with them, didn’t I? 

Anyway, to get back to today it starts at twelve o’clock midday and finishes at two o’clock.  Just long enough, if it were longer then it would be too long.  In any case, I don’t think I could carry on beyond two and I’m not one to give in to things though you wouldn’t know that because you don’t know me.  Although perhaps you do know me I’m assuming you don’t but I could be wrong.  Do you think you know me?  I feel pretty sure I don’t know you.  Not that it matters.  It doesn’t affect anything does it now.  I’m sitting here doing this and thinking to myself I could murder a cup of tea.  Would you excuse me while I pop downstairs to make myself a cup?  I’d make you one but I don’t know how I could get it to you.

I’m back now.  I’ve brought my tea up with me, didn’t like to keep you waiting and don’t tell anyone but I’ve treated myself to a hob knob as well.  I’ve been warned not to but I’ll like to live on the edge a bit these days.  And I won’t be dictated to.  No, not any more. The dog has come up with me too.  He’s not really allowed up here but it’s a little treat for him because he likes to be with me and I like having him by my side. Most people are frightened of him because he is such a big dog, a German Shepherd, but he’s soft as butter though I don’t think the postman would agree with that.  He’s lying down beside me now happy as Larry. The dog…not the postman!  Though I don’t know how anyone can know how happy Larry is if they don’t know him personally and I don’t, do you?

Well, anyway, to get back to today.  You will keep going off the point.  I’m trying to tell you something but you keep getting distracted by other things.  Have I got your attention now?  Oh, the dog’s got up, don’t know why.  Oh that’s all right, he’s just having a sniff round.  Can’t see what he found so interesting but it’s all right he’s gone and laid back down where he was.  Just a little bit closer that’s all.

Anyway, getting back to today, if you’re paying attention to me now?  Oh bless, he’s looking at me with such a lovely expression on his face, the dog, it’s the dog I’m talking about.  No, I will get this story told if it kills me.  Do you know I’ve come over so tired I could go back to bed right now but I daren’t because I’ve got something on for today. I’ve been trying to tell you about it but I keep losing your attention.  Am I boring you?

I hate boring people.  I don’t mean I hate to bore people. No, I mean I hate boring people…ooh just a minute the dog’s got up again. Now, if you just listen then I’ll tell you I am going on a diet but I can’t start it yet because today the village hall committee are hosting what is known locally as the Pudding Club.  Five pound a ticket and all the puddings you can eat and as I’m in the pudding club…ooh what am I saying?  Why, it’s cheap at half the price! Oh, I don’t need to explain about all that again.   I think we’ve already touched on that…Who knows, I might even see you there though as we’ve never met, I don’t know how I would recognise you!  Still, I’ve enjoyed our little chat.

End