Tops!

Tops!

It is a truth universally acknowledged that every woman in possession of a large wardrobe will still be in need of a top! There are no exceptions to this rule. No matter how many wardrobes her clothes take up, a woman will always manage to find room for a top.

She will need every colour one can think of, from white through to grey through to black and all stations in between. Then she will need different styles. Plain ones for day wear, sparkly ones for night time wear, V necks, crew necks, square necks, round necks and sometimes, even, according to the man in her life, brass necks! Then there is the matter of sleeves, short sleeves and long sleeves, puffed sleeves and finally tops, sadly, bereft of sleeves.

Then we come to what women term, ‘strappy’ tops! Now these are a different breed all together. They have work to do. They must perform a function in order to earn their place in a woman’s wardrobe and they must do sterling service in order to keep that place.

So, what are the functions of a ‘strappy’ top? It may be to hide cleavage or it may be to show off cleavage. Either way, cleavage features large in the day to day work of a ‘strappy’ top. It may be that their vocation in life is to hide the outline of a bra which might otherwise be visible when a woman is wearing a see-through top… in my humble opinion, a worthwhile and valuable contribution to a woman’s happiness, I would suggest.

Or, it may be that its main purpose is to hide bra straps that have gone from new white to what I call student white being more grey than white as these bras look as if they have been washed with black items, or trainers. Yes, trainers can now be washed in a washing machine too. Or, much worse, these hapless bras may just be dirty! Oh, pray for the soul of such an unwashed sinner!

Now then, what other ways can these ‘strappy’ tops make themselves useful? Well, if they are in possession of a high lace neckline and are of a suitable colour then they can be put to work in order to enhance the look of the superior, covering, top. Oh, yes, I forgot to mention, there is a strict hierarchical order of tops with white at the very pinnacle and the ‘strappy’ top of no distinct colour being at the bottom.

I think the reader will see from all that has been written above that buying the right top can be like entering a mine field. A shopper must take a number of factors into consideration. For example, the price of the top, the brand, the fit and whether the shop one wishes to purchase from has the correct type of bag. Harrods, Marks & Spencer, Next, these all have suitable bags one wouldn’t be ashamed to be seen carrying.

However, there are certain cheap shops whose bags proudly proclaim their existence but these are such that women would not want to be caught in possession. Women readers will know the shops of which I speak. Therefore, it makes sense to equip oneself with a ‘Harrods Bag for All Occasions.’ Then the unsavoury bag can be slipped, under cover of darkness, into the Harrods bag and all will be well. Should any poor soul not be in possession of a Harrods or other suitably named carrier bag then I would advise that the woman defers buying a top until such time as she can get herself in the happy position of owning the correct type of bag.

When it comes to fit women need to be on their guard. It is a generally held misconception that tops only shrink when washed. This is an absolute lie put about by people who have no understanding of the genre. Tops can shrink of their own volition as they sometimes decide to rebel and shrink just out of sheer cussedness! Oh, yes, they can be vindictive little b******ds who may show no loyalty or gratitude to the women who rescue them from being hung under the pitiful banner of...Final Clearance!

Or, worse still, these tops have been ruthlessly piled high on some sort of table affair to be roughly handled by anyone who happens to be passing. These customers pay very little attention to the tops as they unfold only to discard without re-folding until some fed up shop assistant is told to straighten them up. The shop assistant shows no mercy as she picks them up and roughly re-folds without thought for which tops started at the bottom of the pile and which were formally the top tops. You might be thinking how can anyone be so cruel but take it from me there’s no sentiment in business…it’s dog eat dog out there!

However, as I have already stated, some ungrateful tops will take it on themselves to shrink without a shred of compassion for their new owners. There are some well meaning but misguided people in the trade who, seemingly, excuse this treatment by giving it the name wardrobe shrinkage or wardrobe fatigue. Give it whatever fancy name you like but to my mind there is no excuse for these tops to turn against their owners in this way because these women have done nothing to warrant such treatment.

I know this condition may come as something of a surprise to the majority of women but take it from me it does exist! I speak from bitter experience here as I have had occasion to hang a top in my wardrobe for some time without wearing it. Then, when the occasion demanded and it was required to work for its space, I found the thing had taken against me as it had made itself too small. Yes, I tried it on only to find it had become too tight in the sleeves, my boobs were flattened to nun-like proportions and the neck was up round my throat as if it wished to kill me.

These are not the actions of a friendly top and, as a consequence, I should have thrown it out at the earliest but being soft hearted I kept it hoping that it could be rehabilitated to its former fit. But no, it stubbornly refused so, eventually, I lost patience with the damn thing and decided either I must take it to a charity shop or, if there is no good reason for why it has become difficult then I am left with no alternative but to use it as a duster.

Well, no reason was forthcoming so into the duster cupboard it went. I know such treatment might sound harsh but it is no more than it deserves. Haven’t I given it every opportunity to become a reformed character but would it comply? No! So there you have it! Despite my best efforts it still refused to fit! One can be too soft hearted and if you give an inch, which, if you remember, was more than the top was prepared to do, then you will understand why it is serving time in the duster cupboard!

Anyway, to conclude this sad tale I think I can picture the scene that most women go through once they have made a purchase and on their return home attempt to show their Husband what they have bought. The first thing he says is

“But I thought you went shopping for shoes?”

“Yes, I did,” mutters the wife.

“Well, why have you come back with no shoes but yet another top when you’ve got hundreds in your wardrobe that I have never seen you wear?”

“No, well I will…at some point…besides, I bought this top to go with that grey skirt I bought last week,”

A perfectly reasonable explanation, I would suggest.

“But you bought that skirt to go with the top you bought the week before,” says the insensitive and, by now, increasingly irate, husband!

“Yes, but the colour didn’t quite match. Anyway, I’ll go up and see if this one is better.”

“Well, I hope it is because you’ve all but taken over my wardrobe with clothes you never wear.”

“Oh, you do exaggerate!”

The wife goes upstairs to introduce the top to the skirt to see how they get on but she sees straight away they are incompatible.

“I’m sorry but it looks like I’ll have to hang you in his wardrobe too as you’ve turned out to be so disagreeable.” She says, speaking to the ungrateful newcomer.

She comes back downstairs.

“Well?” says the husband.

“Well, what?” she replies.

“Does it go with the skirt?”

“No!”

“So you will be taking it back then, will you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous! I’ll go shopping tomorrow and find something to go with it!”

End