The Wrong Bus I.P.

The Wrong Bus! I. P.

As soon as I stepped on the bus I knew this journey was going to be different. That’s what the man, Mr Tony Cook, had said. To use this phrase as a starting point for a story and do you know what, coincidently, it was the starting point because I was on the wrong blinking bus. This bus was going in entirely the wrong direction. I wanted a number 74 going to The Heathway but somehow I found myself on a 139 going to Dagenham East. What did I want in Dagenham East? That’s not where I should be at all. I always tried to steer clear of Dagenham East because it was where she used to live. A girl in my Class. I used to walk home with her sometimes even though it was out of my way and it took me much longer to get home. But it was not a good idea to refuse her. Bad things happened to anyone brave enough to do that.

She was the best fighter in the whole school, yes, even including the boys and I had an almost pathological desire not to get duffed up! Sometimes she could be really nice and then you felt like you had been showered with fairy dust. Other times you watched your mouth because she could suddenly turn nasty without rhyme or reason. Although the thing I most remember about her was that on our way home from school she would make me go with her in to a sweet shop, near where she lived, and then she would pinch things. Sweets, chewing gum anything she could reach and hide in the pockets of our school uniform. I didn’t pinch anything but she made sure I had stuff in my pockets too. I didn’t like her doing that. She said it was insurance. I didn’t know what she meant by that.

One day at school I remember we had Religious Instruction as our first lesson and when the Priest asked who had taken Communion at Mass on the previous Sunday, her hand shot up first. I could hardly believe it. So, she must have confessed her sins, pinching being the main one and it must definitely rank high in the hierarchy of mortal sins. But then on the way home from school she did the same as she always did. First, she made me go into the sweet shop with her and then when the man wasn’t looking started pinching as much as she could reach. I couldn’t believe it. So, when we got outside and we were some way from the shop and she seemed in a good mood with her mouth full of sweets I said,

“I didn’t think you would do that any more now that you have confessed and taken Communion?”

“Why not?” She said. “I’ve had Absolution for my previous sins so now I’m free to commit some more.

“I don’t understand...why do you go to Church?” I said.

“Oh, I couldn’t miss Mass on Sunday. It wouldn’t feel right!”

“Is that how Catholicism works?” I said, because I didn’t really pay much attention in Religious Instruction so was prepared to believe whatever she said as I considered her to be a person of higher moral rectitude seeing as she took Communion.

“Yes” she said. “That’s how it works. You sin and then you confess and at the time you must be truly sorry for what you did and promise to try not to do it again and then you get Absolution.”

“But you have just done it again.” I said.

“Yeah, nothing wrong with that!”

“No” I said “Why’s that?”

“Because at the time I confessed I was sorry and I did promise to try not to do it again but when I’m in that shop temptation overwhelms me.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to resist temptation if you didn’t go in the shop in the first place” I reasoned.

I heard it coming before I felt it hit the back of my head. Why did it have to be Wednesday when this happened? It was double cookery on Wednesdays and she had a tin full of rock cakes she had made and by Christ - bow head and say God forgive me - but it bloody well hurt. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa! And it felt like her rock cakes were made with real rocks.

Anyway, to come to the point, I’m on the wrong bus, as I’ve already told you, when this woman gets on. I feel really sorry for her because she’s got all these children about five of them and a pushchair with another little one in it. She’s struggling to keep hold of the baby whilst trying to stow the pushchair and the Conductor is deliberately looking the other way. So, I did the decent thing and I got up to help her. I expect you have guessed what I’m going to say next? Yes, it was...her from school. I couldn’t believe it.

“Kathleen” I said “Is it really you and are all these children yours?”

“Yes, they are. Patrick hold on tight. Brendan look after your sister. Concepta, how many more times, use you hanky!” Immaculata, what have I told you about showing your knickers to the Conductor? And to think I still harbour the idea that she will be the one to make me proud and become a Nun! You look as if you’ve done all right for yourself.” She said, with a strange sort of catch in her voice.

“Yes I’ve got a good job and a good husband and I’ve a lot to be thankful for. So far, life’s been treating me well. Do you still go to Church on Sundays?” I said.

“Oh, yes I couldn’t miss Mass. It wouldn’t feel right. That’s how come I’ve got this little brood.”

“Yes, you’ve certainly got your hands full.” I said, not without sympathy because she looked so harassed.

“It’s what happens when you’re a practising Catholic.”

“Oh, I’m very much afraid I’m a lapsed Catholic now.” I said.

“Then you will burn in Hell.” She said, with not a trace of malice in her voice. “It wouldn’t do for me at all. I need my Faith.”

“Well, I can’t believe I’ve bumped into you like this and to see you with so many children. Who would have thought it?”

“Yes, anyway, this is my stop.” She says, getting up. “Come on you kids. Concepta, will you use your hanky? No, don’t do that…on that man’s coat.” she said as she struggled to pull out the pushchair.

As the Bus came to a standstill I made an immediate and surprising decision to get off with her because, strangely enough, it was nice to see her again and I didn’t want to lose touch so soon after meeting her again so I helped her get the pushchair off the bus and set up.

“Come on,” I said, “I’ll walk with you. Where do you live now?”

“Same place.”

That made me look round properly and I saw the Bus had stopped right outside that same sweet shop that had been such a big part of my memory of Kathleen.

“Immuculata! Oh bless us and save us she’ll be the death of me, so she will. I’m sorry mister. Immaculata, pull your dress down this instant. Well you should have looked the other way if it caused offence.” She said to the man as he passed but he looked totally shocked.

“Mum, can we have some sweets?” Said the biggest boy.

“Yeah, Mum, can we?” said the other boy.

“Yes, all right but don’t be too long!” She smiled, looking less harassed now she was off the bus.

All the children ran excitedly into the shop and I could hear them laughing and making a great deal of noise. Then one by one they all came out.

“What did you buy Brendan? She asked.

I was surprised but, nevertheless, pleased that she was bringing her children up to be honest, upstanding citizens who paid for what they had.

“I bought a Snicker bar.” Said Brendan.

“And what did you manage to get?”

“I got a Sherbet Dip, a Crunchy, two Dairy Milk and a packet of Malteasers.”

“Patrick? “I got a Sherbet Dip too!” He said

Kathleen smiled indulgently “Them and their Sherbet Dips! What else son?”

“I got two packets of Rollo’s, a Twix and a packet of your favourite chewing gum.”

He’s such a thoughtful boy.” She said proudly. “Concepta what did you buy?”

“I bought a reading book.”

“She’ll go to the bad, that one, you mark my words. What are you doing buying a reading book? Did you not get any sweets?”

“Course I did. I got six bars of Aero with the voucher on my reading book because I’ve been saving them up. Then I got some Jelly Babies and some Wine Gums.”

“Immaculata, what did you buy?”

“Nothing!” She said.

“And did you not manage to get anything?”

“Course I did, I got the biggest box of Terry’s All Gold and two boxes of Milk Tray.”

I let out a low whistle, wrong as it was, I couldn’t conceal my admiration for such a consummate thief.

“How on earth did she manage to steal that lot?” I said

“Oh, I don’t think she stole them.” Kathleen said “No, since a very young age Immaculata learned that if she flashed her knickers she would want for nothing. Though how she will get on when she goes, I don’t know.”

“How she’ll get on?” I said, “When she goes?”

“Yes, she’s just been accepted as a possible noviciate at The La Salette convent!

Needless to say, I was stunned and I too wondered how this worldly little thief would get on pledging herself to be married to God in order to satisfy her Mother’s ambitions.

Anyway, we said our goodbyes and Kathleen gathered her brood together and started wearily to walk the long way to her home. Just before she was about to round the corner she turned to look back.

“Don’t suppose I’ll see you at Mass on Sunday?”

I shook my head. She looked almost pitiful and I couldn’t help but think if ever there was a woman in need of a friend…

“I couldn’t live without my faith," she said, before turning back and disappearing out of sight. Then before I could walk away they all came hurrying back.

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph!” She said. “I’ve left one on the Bus!”

End