Why Men Marry Younger Women

Why Men Marry Younger Women and How it Benefits Society

By Michael Lawrence

I asked myself a rather profound question the other day while I was
going to the bathroom: why do younger women seem to be attracted to
older men and vice versa? The only reason that it matters to me is that
it indicates I won't have much of a chance with the ladies until I take
a pair of tweezers and manually recede my hairline.

But then I realized the question means something much more than that -
it's an essence that explains the workings of today's society as we
know it. There is a true reason younger women are attracted to older
men and the vice versa - there is a reason you're less likely to hurl
when a 40-year-old man and 20-year-old woman wed than the reverse. And,
by golly, it's for the good of society.

Based on my very sophisticated research skills (a Google search on the
Internet) an American male's life expectancy is 72 and an American
female's life expectancy is 79. However, wouldn't that suggest the
opposite of the question in question? Why wouldn't it be natural for
men to subconsciously desire older women so their life spans would even
out? In an alleged happy marriage, the couple, I assume, would want to
die together rather than allowing one partner living alone for years in
mourning. Statistically, there is already a seven-year period of male
absence if the husband and wife are the same age. For older men to be
attracted to younger women so much increases the gap. That leaves for a
lot of widowed old ladies to run wild on the streets without spouses to
keep them under control. Some old ladies can be at it for over 20 years
before they finally kick the bucket. I was left to ask the question:
why is this? There must be some sort of logical explanation.

Then it dawned on me as I viewed a commercial (mind you, I had finished
going to the bathroom by then). The commercial advertised one of those
magic grilling devises, which depicted a right-handed woman apparently
trying to flip a fried egg with her left hand, that, of course,
inconveniently sent the yolk flying atop her head. However, with the
Magic Grilling Flipper Doohickey &;#61668; on hand, her egg-flipping
nightmares will haunt her no more! The average, younger person would
spit in the advertiser's eye after they say the Magic Grilling Flipper
Doohickey &;#61668; is the most utterly useless thing they ever laid
their eyes upon. The old method of preparing an egg, by either
literally throwing it in the microwave or eating it raw, works
perfectly well. Why pay five easy payments of $19.99 for something
useless when you can get useless for free? Who on God's green Earth
would use such a thing? Who could possibly be the advertiser's
market?

Why, widowed old ladies, of course.

Back in the 50's when women bought a $500 dress, the husband used to
give their wives a good smack and demand that it be returned. Now that
their husbands have choked, who is going to stop them from buying that
dress? Well, they would immediately go out and buy it only if they
hadn't suddenly lost their figure and acquired the taste for hand-knit
sweaters and knee-high stockings. So, where else can they satisfy their
previously oppressed buying urges? The Magic Grilling Flipper Doohickey
&;#61668;, the 5-carat gold watch on the Home Shopping Network, the
china serving dish with the portrait of Hillary Rodham Clinton (which
is especially useless, because it would only make the person who tries
to eat off it vomit), that's what.

Then I realized how many jobs this creates. There must be millions of
people who have employment because widowed old ladies are buying their
egg-flipping devises, cheap watches, designed china plates, 120
magazine subscriptions, etc. In fact, I have reason to believe that it
is widowed old ladies who are increasing the Gross National Product at
such a rate (notice that senior citizens are the fastest growing
segment of the population.) They open up countless jobs for us
young-folk, and give us food on the table. They are truly the devises
that keep us from going into another Great Depression.

Widowed old ladies are undoubtedly the most under-appreciated group in
the world. In fact, most treat those old bags rather cruelly, whether
it be attaching wheels to their walkers, or politely requesting they
hire taxi cabs rather than rampaging through traffic, rear-ending
people as if they enjoy it. They do not deserve this hostility. It is
high time for us to show proper appreciation to these individuals. The
next time you pass a widowed old lady on the street, give her a big
hug, smile, and say: "Thank you. Thank you for all you've done for us."
They will appreciate it. (In case you're wondering, pepper mace is a
sign of affection.)

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"U ~ I'm Not Thinking" by Liana

http://www.abctales.com/abcplex/viewstory.cgi?s=24098

This is a superbly written autobiographical piece about (I'm assuming)
the author's reluctance in giving up her house - a place where she
spent a lot of time fixing up and simply living. What's worse is that
she expects the home's new inhabitants to renovate. I think the main
idea of this story is that the author cannot reminisce her life in the
home because it is so painful. (I've experienced that same sort of
thing at funerals.)

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"Pondering" by elisarie

http://www.abctales.com/abcplex/viewstory.cgi?s=24044

This short story tackles the basic questions of life. It gives some
thought on the religious and evolutionary side of things. Well
done.

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"E) Belgium v Tunisia? from Brussels" by anthonyjucha

http://www.abctales.com/abcplex/viewstory.cgi?s=24023

This travelogue series from a man touring Europe to see all the World
Cup games is quite ambitious (and expensive as I can imagine). They are
also entertaining and wildly popular as it had gotten 100 hits in a
24-hour period. (Wow.) Read all of them. I think it is interesting that
anthonyjucha managed to somehow bond with the Belgian football fans by
just sitting there and watching the game.