N Chapter 14 Mini People

Chapter 14.

The room was two hundred feet long, two hundred feet wide, lit from
above by long strips of bright halogen lights. Intersecting the room
was a cat's-cradle of conveyor belts. On the belts, going up down left
right, was head after head after head.

"Cripes!" said Pete again.

"Now we're getting to the bottom of things," said Sean.

"I don't see any bottoms," said Pete, "only heads."

Then Pete noticed a man running towards him. The man was completely
naked and as he ran his cock slapped up and down against his stomach.
The man screeched to a halt in front of Pete. His cock stopped
slapping.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? No clothes allowed in here,
don't you know? You'll contaminate the heads."

"I was just told to deliver this potato," said Pete. "Nobody told me
to take my clothes off. Not any of them."

"You shouldn't need to be told," said the man. "Now please remove your
clothes, please. Over there." The man pointed. "I'll watch the potato
for you."

"Thanks," said Pete and he walked off grumbling to where the man was
pointing. It was a row of hooks on a wall. Most of the hooks had
clothes on them but one at the end was free.

"I don't know if I want to walk around naked," said Pete.

"You were naked all this morning," said Sean.

"That was different, I was at home. I don't like it; it's not natural,
not in front of strangers."

"Everyone's a stranger until you get to know them."

"You're trying to get round me," said Pete. "I can tell. You want to
find out about these heads. Everything is always you, you, you."

"CAN YOU GET A MOVE ON!" shouted the naked man. He had sat down on the
potato and was drumming his fingers on his thigh.

"Look," said Sean. "I'm sorry about what I said before. I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings. Working in a lift would be cool."

"You're always getting angry at me and then apologising. I've only
known you for a day and already we've settled into this pattern of
praise and bust. To be honest it's beginning to grate."

"I'm stressed," said Sean. "What can I say? I apologise."

"I'M STILL WAITING!" shouted the naked man. He was drumming his
fingers faster now.

"Look," said Sean, "everything you've accomplished so far, you've done
wonders. Honestly, you're a marvel."

"I don't know?"

"Dean of the Yard in retrospect was a work of genius. Then the
shoehorn salesman. Then the janitor. Unorthodox but brilliant, all of
them.

"If you're just saying?"

"GET YOUR FRIGGIN' PANTS DOWN!" came the cry from the potato.

"Go on," said Sean, "get your clothes off. That man might have a big
mouth but your cock is twice the size of his. You show him who's the
boss."

"You think so?" said Pete, beginning to blush.

"Absolutely," said Sean.

"Well, in that case."

Very quickly Pete removed all of his clothes, even his pants. He hung
them on the peg, one by one, each garment on top of the last. Then he
stood back and looked down at himself for reassurance. Sean had been
right, twice the size at least.

"Right," said Pete. "I better get over there. Little dick is
waiting."

"What are you going to do with me?" said Sean. He was still in Pete's
top pocket, only now the pocket was hanging from a peg. "I want to come
with you."

"Don't worry about that," said Pete. "I've got a plan."

"Great!" said Sean.

"I'm going to put your between my buttocks. Do you think you'll be
able to grip onto the hair?"

****

"Your face," said Pete.

"How was I supposed to know you were joking?" said Sean. Sean was
hiding inside Pete's blue tinsel wig. He was standing on Pete's
head.

"If you can't tell when I'm joking by now," said Pete, "then I don't
think there's any hope for us. Anyway, quiet, we're nearly back at the
potato. Keep down."

Pete came to a full stop in front of the naked man. He put his hands
on his hips.

"Were you talking to your hair?" said the naked man.

"I was just teasing it," said Pete. "Now where do you want this
potato?"

"Jarvis Jarvis filled you in on the story, did he?"

"Not exactly," said Pete.

"Well grab the wheelbarrow and I'll explain as we go."

Pete took the two handles of the wheelbarrow and set off after the
naked man. It did feel weird to be naked and pushing a wheelbarrow.
However, it also felt weird to be surrounded by so many heads on
conveyor belts. The two things balanced each other out.

"This is all a bit hush hush," said the naked man.

"The nudity?" said Pete.

"No, the potato. You see, we're getting tired of jackets."

"So that does explain why you're naked?" said Pete.

"What?" said the man. He stopped. His cock carried on a few inches and
then flopped back. "Jarvis Jarvis didn't tell you a thing, did
he?"

"He was flustered. The inspectors were on the way. I was just
shovelling shit."

"I see. Shit." The naked man started walking again. "Jacket potatoes I
meant. The lads are tired of eating jacket potatoes. Jarvis Jarvis said
he'd send us down a potato to do with as we will. You can't tell anyone
this, you know."

"Mum's the word," said Pete. "But to be honest, I don't know what
you're talking about."

"The crux of the matter is," said the naked man, "is that me and the
lads, we're going to have a fry up. We've got some oil and this baby?"
He nodded at the spud in the wheelbarrow. "?is going to be washed,
peeled and chipped. WATCH OUT!"

At the last second Pete noticed the falling head. The naked man jumped
niftily to the right and caught it in his arms.

"Owzat!" he said.

"Well done," said Pete.

"That happens sometimes," said the naked man. "We used to have them
double spaced but not anymore. Packed like sardines in a tin they are.
We've got targets to meet."

"There are an awful lot of heads," said Pete looking about. They were
passing through the centre of the room now. There were heads literally
everywhere, trundling along the belts to God knew where.

"It's very exciting. We're ready for full roll-out by August."

"That's what," said Pete, "just over a year?"

"Two weeks," said the naked man. "In two weeks every single person is
going to have a new head and every single one of the mouths on those
heads will be chewing Dial-A-Spud products. Cool, isn't it?"

"Yeah," said Pete, "cool." Then very softly under his breath he added,
"Cripes."

"Here we are," said the naked man stopping at a door. "Swing that baby
in here and you can be off."

"Right e o," said Pete and he went through the door and into another
room. This room was small, more of a storeroom than anything else. Here
there were four naked men. Two were holding potato peelers, two were
standing next to a large frying pan standing on a camp stove.

"The baby's here at last," said one of the naked men with the potato
peeler.

"Ah," said another, "chips." And he clapped his hands.

With some effort Pete lifted the potato out of the wheelbarrow and
onto the ground.

"Thank you," said the men. "Thank you."

"Ok," said Pete. "Enjoy your spud."

****

"Enjoy you spud," said Pete. "Did you hear what I said?"

Pete and Sean were in the janitor's closet again. Pete was in his
clothes and out of his wig. Sean was standing on his knee.

"That's what they say in Dial-A-Spud? Do you think I'm turning into
one of them?"

Sean let out a blood curdling scream and started running up Pete's
leg, arms pumping. With a final jump he threw himself with all his
might, feet first, against Pete's balls.

"Ow you little midget," shouted Pete. "What do you think you're doing?
That hurt."

"So you're not happy?"

"Course I'm not bleedin' happy," said Pete, rubbing himself between
the legs. "You might only be two inches high but I don't want you
jumping up and down on my balls like they were a trampoline."

"Cool," said Sean.

"Cool!" said Pete still rubbing and eyeing Sean suspiciously.

"If you're not happy then it means you're not a Dial-A-Spud
zombie."

"Yeah," said Pete. "Thanks for that. But there must have been an
easier way of finding out. Couldn't you have given me a quick quiz?
'What do you want for dinner tonight? (a) Curried fish. (b) Goats
cheese on rye bread. (c) A baked potato."

"Look," said Sean, "I'm sorry. Would you like me to kiss them
better?"

"With those little lips, don't kid yourself. When someone kisses my
balls I like to feel something."

"Fine," said Sean.

"Fine," said Pete.

Then they were both silent for a while. As they were stuck in the
cupboard together and there wasn't much to do, no tv, no bathtub and
vanity unit, this silence didn't last long.

"I don't get it," said Pete. "I like Dial-A-Spud, why do they need to
go to all this trouble?"

"This is the end of the world I was talking about," said Sean. "Think
about it. Everybody has a Dial-A-Spud head, everybody eats Dial-A-Spud
food. Dial-A-Spud will control all farming, all retail outlets - who's
going to go to a supermarket when all they eat is Dial-A-Spud
takeaways? My guess is that they're going to branch into everything.
Dial-A-Spud movies. Dial-A-Spud clothes. Dial-A-Spud toilet rolls.
'We've got it covered, going out and coming in'."

"I still don't get it," said Pete.

"It's called synergy. Multi-national conglomerates have been trying it
for years. But this, this is the big one. They will control everything.
They will have power, a completely mindless population at their beck
and call."

"And we're going to stop them?" said Pete.

"Exactly," said Sean. "And the first thing we have to do is rescue the
other mini-scientists. Just as soon as this place closes down for the
night we go back to that room and then get the hell out of here."

"Now I get it," said Pete.

"Thank Christ for that," said Sean.

"Do you fancy a game of eye-spy while we wait?"