The Belle of Coeur D'Alene

WHAT PRICE PARADISE?

“If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself but to put myself back together again.”
- Antonin Artaud

I lay there in the tub, thinking how my life had gone bad so fast. Even now, two months later, I was still confused. It all seemed like a dream, a nightmare. Images flashed in and out of my mind of that awful motel room, images of the bugs crawling on the mildew stained walls, the filthy sheets, and of Klaus.

I had the water as hot as I could stand and I had taken some sleeping pills. I stared with fascination at the light glinting off the edge of the razor blade. It was one of those single sided blades that I used to use for crafts.

It was bad, really bad, what had happened on our trip to Cancun, to paradise. I still had nightmares of that night on the beach south of Playa Del Carmen. Then last week I had missed my second period. I worried about it and finally got a pregnancy kit at the drug store. I took the test in the upstairs bathroom and couldn’t believe the results. Crying a little, I went back to the drugstore to get another kit – hoping the first one might have been defective.

When the results were the same I felt like my life was over. All my plans for school, my plans for life were gone. I knew I couldn’t face the future so I took the pills and found the old razor blade. I was having trouble focusing on the sharp, shiny edge - it seemed to be jumping around, the bathroom lights reflecting with a crazy hard luster.

Knowing I would be asleep in a couple of minutes I steeled myself and put the blade on my wrist … pausing for a minute, watching with a morbid fascination as the vein pulsed, so regularly, almost hypnotically. I slashed at the spot where the pulse showed and slipped back in the hot water. A sudden regret came to me – I was taking two lives, not just one! Dimly, almost subconsciously, I heard the garage door opening as the blood swirled in the water making pretty patterns … as everything faded.

THE START OF IT ALL

“And so we turn the page over
To think of starting. This is all there is.”
- John Ashbery

I was excited! Never in my young life had I had the opportunity to do something so special and exciting.

It had begun about three weeks ago when my best friend Betty came over to my house on a Saturday afternoon.

“Kathy, you won’t believe this! My parents are taking me to Cancun for my graduation present and they said I could bring a friend. Of course, I chose you! It’s going to be great!”

I knew it wasn’t that simple, of course. Mom wanted to know everything before she would say okay. My dad had died a couple of years ago in a construction accident. Ever since then mom had been overly protective. I understood and didn’t usually mind too much but I really wanted to go on this trip. The farthest I had ever traveled from our Sherman Oaks home (until last month) was San Diego to visit the zoo and Marine World and one summer I spent at my uncle’s ranch in Idaho.

High school was coming to a close with graduation next week after finals this week. I wouldn’t miss school at all! I did well in my studies and had already been accepted to Humboldt State University where I was planning my major in Forestry & Watershed Management. I know, I know. What’s a Valley Girl know about trees?

My mom had taken me up for a visit and I loved the place. The campus was really nice and the professors I met were friendly and supportive. The woman that would be my faculty advisor took me and two other prospective students to visit a burn, an area devastated by forest fire and being replanted. I was fascinated by what I saw and even surer that this was right for me.

Betty was a party girl, always going on dates and in and out of love with a bewildering regularity. I had always been shy and, like I said, mom was a little too protective. Betty had made me go to the two proms and had even provided the dates. It was okay but I didn’t really like either one of the boys.

Betty kept telling me I was cute. I knew she was just being a good friend. I did have nice hair – long and a rich dark brown and I never had a problem with it. No bad hair days for me. But standing in front of my mirror I could see that my legs were too short and my bust was too small. I sure wasn’t going to win any wet tee shirt contests!

With Betty’s and her parent’s help mom finally agreed to let me go. Betty’s mom and dad took Betty, my mom and I out to dinner at the country club they belonged to so we could talk over the trip. Tal’s law firm owned a suite at a new resort in Cancun that was placing a special emphasis on security. The suite had a living room, kitchen/dining room and three bedrooms, each with their own bath. It helped that mom and Allison were good friends so between all of us we won mom over.

I didn’t have any problems with the finals. I guess I was actually pretty smart and I studied a lot. I graduated fifth in my class and this was at a school where almost all graduating seniors went to college.

The graduation itself seemed somewhat of an anticlimax – school was really over and I felt sad. It wasn’t that I liked the school all that much … I guess it was just the sense of all the changes that were coming. I would be away from home for the first time and I knew that would be hard on me. Betty was staying close to home – UCLA - and I would miss her almost as much as my mom. I didn’t have any brothers or sisters and I didn’t make friends easily so I knew I was going to be lonely.

Finally we were ready to go on the trip. Betty helped me pack, giggling at my swimsuit.

“Kathy, the first thing we are going to do in Cancun is buy you some clothes! You are a woman now, you are cute and you need to open up a little.”

I tried to protest but Betty always seems to get her way with me. Truthfully I was getting a little excited about the trip. Betty went on and on about all that we were going to do.

“Betty! We are only going for ten days. If we do every thing you keep telling me, we will be there for six months.”

She laughed and helped me finish packing. Her stuff was already packed and her folks were picking us up in a limo to take us to the airport. I hugged mom as she kept giving me last minute instructions. You know, do this, don’t do that, make sure … call me, send me a postcard … did you pack your …

She was crying a little, I think. My eyes seemed a little blurry so I wasn’t sure.

Finally we were off, the adventure starting. We were flying first class in a 747. I had never even been on a plane before so everything was new. I felt like a princess with the way the stewardess treated me. I was so excited I almost wet my panties!

We talked and giggled a lot for a while until they served the meal. Betty fell asleep after that and I looked out the window at the land so far below and wondered at the lives of the people that lived on the ant-sized farms. I was too keyed up to sleep.

Arriving in Cancun and getting to the hotel was a blur. I’d gone through immigration and customs without really knowing what was going on.

The hotel was awesome – even to my inexperienced eye I could see it was luxurious. The suite was stunning. Betty told me that I had the small bedroom, but golly, the bath was bigger than my bedroom at home. Everything was marble and I had a small balcony that looked out over the ocean.

After we got settled in, Betty dragged me down to the hotel shops to “make a new Kathy” as she put it. Nothing had prices on it but I knew it was expensive. I didn’t feel right letting her get me these things but she was so excited I went along with her. It was fun trying on everything. I blushed at the two sets of swimwear Betty picked out and told her I would never be able to wear them in public.

“But, Kathy, we aren’t in public, we’re in Cancun!”

We ate dinner at the hotel with Tal and Allison. I had probably the best meal of my life: a mixed ceviche followed by a wonderful local fish. Tal poured me a glass of wine, something white from France. I’d had wine at home a couple of times with mom but this was something else!

Allison smiled at me and said, “Enjoy the wine. You only have to be eighteen in Mexico to drink. But be careful - you girls haven’t learned how to drink yet so take it easy.”

After dinner Betty and I went down to walk around the grounds. We stopped by the pool and had a Margarita, my first. I didn’t care for the salt so Betty made me drink another one. I liked the taste better but I felt a little lightheaded as we made our way up to the rooms.

It was a nice evening so I left the door to the balcony open. I lay awake for a bit, feeling the effects of the two drinks. I felt … I don’t know … maybe a little spacy. It wasn’t unpleasant, just kind of weird. I fell into a deep sleep, listening to the faint sound of the surf crashing endlessly on the white sand; sleeping uninterrupted until Betty jumped on my bed, telling me the plans for the day before I was even awake.

This first day we were all going to Xcaret. This turned out to be a fun place. I liked best the snorkeling; I’d never done that before. We also got to play with the dolphins and go horseback riding. They had built a replica Mayan village that all of us found fascinating.

We got back to the hotel around three so Betty and I went down to the pool for an hour. Betty was flirting with a couple boys but I tried to stay out of it. I wasn’t listening too closely; I was watching people walking around - a favorite activity of mine but I thought I heard their names as Benny and Ricard.

I didn’t see it but Benny had bought another round of Margaritas. Betty pinching my arm suddenly brought me back to earth.

“Kathy! Where were you? I was talking to you but it seemed like no one was home.”

Blushing, I smiled to hide my embarrassment, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking how much fun it was at Xcaret today. What were you saying?”

“Benny got us another Margarita. Be nice now and thank him.”

“I’m sorry for not noticing. Thank you for the drink.”

I was a little more involved in the conversation now and noticed that whenever Benny mentioned Ricard’s name he used the French pronunciation. I had four year’s of high school French so I wanted to try it out.

Making a guess I asked Ricard in French where in France he was from. He became animated and started talking very fast. After getting him to slow down I was able to understand him fairly well. He was from the south of France, near Nice, and the pronunciation was different from what I was used to. I felt more confident with talking; he didn’t have any trouble understanding me at all.

I noticed another man sitting at a nearby table looking at us with interest; he seemed to be listening to Ricard and I talking in French. He made eye contact with me and stood up and walked over. He was very attractive with dark, almost black wavy hair worn a little long. He was tall, maybe a couple inches over six feet, slim and looked a little older, maybe around twenty-five and was quite handsome, almost pretty. He really reminded me of Sal Mineo in “Exodus;” my mom had rented that movie once and I had watched it with her.

He picked up my hand and kissed it as he talked in French with a clear Parisian accent; he sounded just like my French teacher! I was confused when he took my hand and didn’t know whether to stand or sit. He was telling me what a beautiful woman I was and what a lovely accent I had. I was getting quite flustered when he turned to everyone else and introduced himself.

“Good evening, I’m Alain Allègre. May I sit with you for a few minutes? It’s so sad to drink alone.”

He waved at the bar for another round of drinks. I tried to tell him I didn’t want any more – I was already feeling light-headed. He just looked at me and told me what lovely eyes I had. We all talked and the discussions became more animated as the new drinks were delivered.

He was fascinating to listen to: he had been all over Europe and talked intimately of different cities. Besides his native French and his colloquial English, he also spoke German and Italian fluently and passable Spanish.

About halfway through my third Margarita I knew I had already had too much. I remembered what Betty’s dad had said so I stood up and excused myself. Betty said she would finish her drink and meet me in the suite.

Alain stood up when I did and took my elbow and walked me to the elevator, “to keep the wolves from bothering such a beautiful lady,” he had said as he put his hand on the small of my back.

Speaking French again, he said, “It was so nice to meet such a wonderful woman. May I see you again?”

I mumbled something … I don’t remember even if it was in French or English. I knew I needed to go up and lie down; I was feeling more than a little dizzy now. He smiled at me as the elevator doors closed.

When I got to the suite, no one was there so I went to my room and took a hot shower and then let the cold water run for a few minutes. It felt good and my head cleared somewhat.

I went into the living room of the suite to watch a movie. Betty came in a few minutes later laughing in an excited way.

“I guess you found an admirer, huh, Kathy?” she teased.

I guess I turned red ‘cause she kept giving me a hard time.

Finally, I snapped at her, “I’m tired and I’m going to bed now.” I guess she felt bad so she came over and gave me a hug.

“I’m sorry, Kath! I wasn’t serious. I was just happy to see you talking to a boy and having some fun.”

“Oh, it’s okay Betty. I think I had too much to drink and the way he kept looking at me made me a little nervous. You are so comfortable with people, I really envy you!”

“Honey, I’ve been telling you that you are very pretty. You need to loosen up a little and be open to making new friends. Listen! I have a great idea. Let’s go down to the spa in the morning and we’ll get a new look! Mom told me they are very professional and can do wonders for a girl’s image.”

I was too tired to protest so I nodded and went on to bed.

The next morning, having forgotten what she had said, I was surprised when she dragged me down to the spa. She had been there once with her mom and knew one of the women working there.

“Gisele, we are turning ourselves over to you. Make us even more beautiful that we are now!” Betty commanded.

Gisele laughed and said, “With such pretty girls I should have an easy task.”

They gave us the full treatment: facials, manicure, pedicure and then styled our hair. She cut a couple of inches off mine and then did a more up-to-date look. I was impressed! I almost didn’t recognize myself and had a quick thought of how Alain would like the new me. I quickly told Betty how nice she looked and tried to put Alain out of my mind.

Betty’s dad was going to play golf and she and her mom were going shopping. I was left alone so I went down to the pool and sat around in the shallow end sipping on an orange juice. I was being careful not to get my hair wet. I decided to get some sun so I laid down on one of the lounges and quickly fell asleep.

~~~~~~

There was a shadow covering my face as I gradually woke up. As my eyes opened a little I could see Alain looking at my body. Remembering the swimsuit Betty had made me buy my skin turned a bright red. I’m sure he thought I was sunburned!

His eyes as he looked at me had a strange look, one almost predatory. I had spent one summer when I was twelve at my uncle’s dude ranch outside Coeur D’Alene and had been in the barn. There was a big grey tomcat that had a mouse trapped between his large paws. He would play with it, let it escape and suddenly pounce on it again. As Alain looked at my body, barely hidden by the brief swimsuit, I felt like that mouse. My body gave an involuntary shudder and Alain saw/sensed the movement and looked at my eyes.

His face was suddenly transformed by a bright smile, his facial muscles relaxing from an unnatural tightening and his eyes changed from a hard obsidian black to a soft grayish-black with a kind, caring cast to them.

“Kathy, how nice to see you. I can see the ice in your drink is melted; can I get you a new one? What are you drinking?”

I sat up, a little confused by the heat my body had absorbed from the unforgiving sun. I gathered my wits as I pulled the towel over my shoulders and over the brief top of my suit.

“It’s just orange juice but I really could use a fresh one – with lots of ice please?”

He walked over to the bar and I put my on my filmy swimsuit cover-up. It was pretty transparent but I felt better. I had had enough sun so I grabbed my stuff and moved to the shade. A few minutes later Alain came back with my drink and something for himself.

“Here, try this,” he said as he handed me my drink and sat on the chair next to me.

I took a sip from the glass; the drink was cold and refreshing.

“What is this? It’s delicious. I know it’s got orange juice but it has something else that’s really good.”

“I’m glad you like it. It is orange juice and it has just a little champagne in it for flavor. I like it on a hot day like this but I like it even better with breakfast.”

I hadn’t had very much alcohol before but this tasted pretty weak. We sat there and talked for an hour of so and I had a couple more of them. Alain told me they were called mimosas. When I asked, he agreed that they were mostly orange juice.

“When it’s hot like this, you shouldn’t drink too much alcohol.”

We were switching back and forth between English and French, and I quickly became more comfortable with my French. It was fun to practice and I did better than I would have expected.

From the way he had been looking at me I expected him to make a pass or something … although I wasn’t really sure what a ‘pass’ was. Betty had talked about it a lot but no one had ever done it to me. Betty had assured me that I would know when someone ‘put a move’ on me (her words).

But Alain was as nice as he could be and I felt reassured. About five he stood up and told me he had to meet a friend.

“I hope we can meet again. You are a shining light in my dull existence. I lack the words to do proper justice to your beauty but if I may borrow from Shakespeare, you are “An Angel; or, if not, an earthly paragon.”

With that he kissed my hand again, put his hand on my cheek for a minute, gently kissed both of my cheeks and walked away.

I stood there, my face some kind of pink, feeling a little bewildered. The last of what he said was in French except for the quote from Shakespeare. The quote from “Cymbeline” I was familiar with from helping with set decoration for a play last year at school.

I gathered my stuff, feeling a little light headed as I stood up. I made it up to the suite but no one was there. I fell down on the bed feeling terribly sleepy all of a sudden. I was a bit dizzy again with the ceiling spinning around slowly. I turned over onto my face and feeling better fell into a deep sleep.

CALM BEFORE THE STORM

“My grief lies onward and my joy behind.”
- Shakespeare Sonnet 50,14

I guess this was going to be a regular thing, Betty bouncing up and down on my bed so full of cheer at some ungodly hour. Well, I thought so anyway until I realized it was after nine and I hadn’t had dinner the night before. There were two other things that hit me all at once: I had a terrible headache and I was starved – even though my stomach felt a little queasy.

Betty told me I had to get moving because Benny and Ricard were taking us to Isla Mujeres for the day. We were going to El Garrafón, a park on the west end of the island.

We rushed through breakfast and took a taxi the short distance to the ferry. I was both surprised and somewhat uneasy that Alain was there. No one else seemed to pay much attention to him; they just accepted his presence. He was very nice about it and asked if it was okay if he tagged along. When we got on the ferry he sat next to me. The boat was crowded so his leg was right up against mine. I tried to move over a little but Benny was right against me on the other side.

It turned out to be a lot of fun. The snorkeling was fantastic and the trees were teeming with parrots. For lunch we took a taxi in to the downtown area – about three blocks by six blocks. We ate at an Italian place that had delicious thin crust pizzas. Betty ordered a beer - I think it was Victoria - for both of us but I didn’t like it. Alain said I should try a Cuba Libre. I didn’t know what it was but it tasted like a coke on ice although maybe a little sweeter. It was easy to drink so I had a couple of them.

We went back to the park and mostly just lay in the sun. Alain was nice to me. He knew I wasn’t much of a drinker so he suggested I try a gin and tonic. He said he would have the bar guy make them very weak and assured me they would be refreshing on a hot day. I liked them better than the other thing, the Cuba something. That was too sweet but this was refreshing. It had a nice clean taste. Alain was nice and got me another one whenever I was thirsty. Betty was drinking Margaritas and I didn’t want to drink that - it was way too strong for me!

The ferry was even more crowded on the way back and the water was choppy. I was squashed between Alain and Betty and I kept bouncing against Alain. Several times he put his hand on my leg to steady me. It didn’t seem right but I was feeling so relaxed … I had never felt so mellow before.

We got back to the dock in Cancun and Betty said we should all go dancing later. We had to meet her parents for dinner and afterwards she wanted to go to Poco Loco for dancing. Betty said it was a very famous nightclub with entertainment and live dance bands. I didn’t want to go until she said they had live acrobats, something like circus show in Las Vegas. I had never seen it or even been to Vegas before but Betty had been there with her parents and had told me many times how fantastic it was.

We had a nice dinner with Betty’s mom and dad at the hotel and went up to the suite for a nap. The show didn’t start until 10:30 at night! I had never gone anywhere that late and I was getting excited. I didn’t think I would be able to sleep but I dozed off in a few minutes.

We were meeting the guys there so Betty and I took a taxi.

“Kath, this place is so neat. Don’t worry about the cover charge; mom gave me the money for that. Besides the show, this is a disco – but they don’t have a dance floor! People dance on the walkways, tables, chairs, just about any place they can find. It is really wild and you will love it.”

The guys, Benny, Ricard and Alain, were waiting for us inside the entry. We watched the show first. After the acrobats, they had impersonators of Madonna and Brittney Spears. It was funny - at least I was laughing a lot. Alain was nice and kept bringing me more gin and tonic whenever I ran out.

We started dancing and somehow got separated from Betty. Alain and I were towards the back of the club and mostly dancing. Everything seemed a little hazy – maybe we were just dancing slowly - and the lights were very dim in this part of the club. I felt light headed again; it wasn’t unpleasant at all. I kept giggling over nothing but Alain didn’t seem to mind.

He kissed me a couple of times and it seemed sweet. Alain kept bringing me drinks but since they were mostly tonic water (as he kept assuring me) it was okay.

“Alain, I feel a little bit dizzy!”

“It’s okay, honey; it just that it’s kind of warm in here. Have one more drink and I’ll take you back to your hotel.”

TERROR IN THE NIGHT

“Rape is not just pushy lovemaking.”
- Mason Cooley

I was having trouble breathing. I felt … disoriented, hurt. I was dizzy and nauseous. I came slowly to realize something heavy was on me, pummeling me. I fought to open my eyes and what I saw made me close them in anguish. Alain was raping me! I tightly closed me eyes, wishing I were anywhere but here, that I was anyone but me.

I felt no pleasure, only disgust and pain. And shame. Oh, God, help me!

The weight on my body shifted, went away. I heard Alain stomping to the door, and then a loud creak and a soft thud as the door closed.

The room was half dark from a light in another room. The walls and ceiling were tracked with mildew, making crazy bizarre patterns. There was a lizard, motionless, frozen on one wall, staring at me as if I were invading his home. The sheets were … disgusting. Suddenly queasy I staggered to the light, hoping it was a bathroom. I retched a little but nothing came up – it came to me suddenly I had nothing to eat since lunch. I washed my face off with the rusty water from the faucet. The towel was too filthy to use, so I half walked, half crawled back to the room.

My clothes were in a bunch on the floor and I struggled to put them on, starting to be aware enough to feel panic that Alain would come back. I couldn’t find my shoes and my purse was on a dresser scarred with the burns of countless cigarettes. The front window was open, the curtain in rags fluttering in the faint breeze off the ocean. Hearing voices in front of the room I moved quietly beside the curtain. It sounded like Benny and Alain talking.

“So you have the camera and lights ready?”

“Yeah, shall we get started?”

“No, she’s stupid drunk now. We want the films of the rape showing her fighting, showing the pain and anguish on her face. The pain is what sells these movies. Give her another hour and try to wake her up. Stick her in a cold shower if you have to.

“The stuff for her to wear is in the bag here. You know the shots I want. Rip her clothes off but not too fast. Make it good! I’ve had my pleasure – even though she was more or less comatose. Have Ricard take her first. You will have to change the sheets so it will look like she is a virgin. After the shot splash a little of the chicken blood to make it look good. If Arturo ever finds out I’ve been taking them first he’ll have my balls.

“When you finish, clean her up, put on her own clothes and take her to the yacht. Jesus will take her to Aruba. I think she is scheduled for Colombia – one of the drug guys wants a new toy. You okay with everything?”

“Yeah, Klaus. It’s not like we haven’t done this before.”

“Okay, I’ll take off. One of you stays in front of the cabin until you are ready to start filming to make sure no one comes by. Let her sleep for a while to give her a chance to sober up a little. Give her a cold shower if you have to. And goddamn it, Benny, leave her alone until you start filming!”

I froze for a minute, shocked and scared at what was said. Indecisive, I looked around the room and seeing my shoes in the corner I started moving. I grabbed the shoes and my purse and went into the small bathroom where I had remembered seeing a window. It was tight but I managed to wiggle through. In back of the cabin, there were some debris and palm trees and off to the side I could hear the pounding of the surf.

As quietly as I could, I moved until I reached the sand. In the distance I could see some bright lights, maybe a mile away. Looking over to the cabins I could see a porch light and someone standing there smoking a cigarette. I carefully moved down the slope to the edge of the water until I couldn’t see the light anymore. I walked hunched over for about five minutes and then started running, falling a couple of times, running for the lights.

It took a long time before I could see a hotel taking shape. I slowed as I got there and saw people dining under a large palapa with the hotel looming in the darkness. I made it over to the bathroom by the quiet swimming pool, finally throwing up in the toilet. I was shaking and felt cold; my brain seemed numb. I cleaned up as best I could and walked through the hotel to the lobby. I asked a young man standing by the front door for a taxi. He assumed I was a guest and asked where I wanted to go. He took me out front and opened the door for me.

Riding back to the hotel, I stifled my sobs, not wanting to alarm the driver. I tried to put it all together but parts were just a blur. I did remember that I had started feeling woozy at the club and hadn’t drunk several of my drinks. I remembered Alain going to the rest room and I was feeling full so I put my drink on another table and took an empty glass. Another time I took my glass to the ladies room and dumped it out.

I understood now that Alain had been lying to me all along and that the drinks were a lot stronger than he had said. I guess I had been very naïve. More than that, I had just been plain dumb. But I think dumping those drinks saved me from some horror even worse than what had happened. And Benny calling Alain, “Klaus?” What was that? I was starting to get scared again. Finally the taxi pulled up in front of our hotel. I gave the driver some money Betty had given me and I put the change in my purse without looking at it. The clock on the taxi showed 3:22.

The door opened and I got out to face the rest of my life!

HOME SAFE?

“How cams’t thou in this pickle?”
- Shakespeare, The Tempest V,i,281

As I entered the lobby I saw Betty’s parents, Tal and Allison, standing there with a man with grey slacks and a blue blazer with the hotel logo on the pocket. I walked up to them, suddenly trembling and I started crying. Allison put her arms around me, holding tight. Somehow they got me up to the suite.

The blue blazer guy came up also; he was in charge of security for the hotel. I was able to gasp out part of what happened. Allison got a blanket and wrapped me up while Betty’s dad and the security guy, Oscar, Tal had called him, went out in the hallway to confer.

Tal came back a few minutes later.

“Kathy, we need to do a couple of things if you feel up to it, okay?”

“I’m cold and I don’t feel good.” It didn’t come out like that; I was shivering and stuttering badly.

“Okay. Allison, please call down for some hot chocolate. Kathy, you need to have a doctor come see you. Can we do that first?”

I nodded. The chocolate came up in a few minutes and just as I finished it the doctor arrived. She took me into my bedroom and had me sit down.

“I’m Doctor Alvarez but please call me Taña. Do you know what a rape kit is?”

I nodded and she continued.

“Okay. I’ll take a swab for the police and I’ll give you an exam. Then you can take a hot shower and we will get you to bed. Okay, Kathy?”

I nodded again and at her directions went into the bathroom to take my clothes off and put on the heavy terrycloth robe. I came back and lay down. The exam was a little uncomfortable but was over very fast. She was gentle and kept talking with a soothing voice, explaining what she was doing.

“Okay, chica. I don’t see anything major. You do have some bruising and a small tear in your vagina that will need a couple of stitches. I want you to take a hot shower and clean up before I do that. I understand a woman will be here shortly to talk to you. I’ll tell her she has five minutes. Cancun has a special unit for sexual crimes and all the officers are women. The one coming to see you is Maribel Peña, and I have worked with her before. She is very nice.”

The doctor left to get the policewoman and was back in a minute.

“Kathy, this is María Isabel Peña, but she would like you to call her Maribel. I’ve explained to her that she should just ask you urgent information right now. Do you feel up to this?”

At my nod, she sat in a chair over by the window.

“Kathy, I’m sorry this happened to you. Do you know who did this?”

“Yes, it was a man called Alain. I think his last name is Allègre. But I heard someone else call him Klaus.”

Maribel looked at me sharply. “Is he in his mid-twenties, tall, long dark hair?”

I nodded, and added, “His hair was wavy, like it was styled and he was nice looking, almost pretty.”

“Can you tell me briefly what happened?”

“He had been coming around and was very nice to everyone. He introduced himself to us when he heard me speaking French. Oh, and by the way, he also speaks some other languages: Italian, and I think German for sure. His Spanish was okay but didn’t seem fluent.

“He would have me try drinks that he said I would like. He told me that they didn’t have much alcohol, but I can see now he was lying to me. Last night Betty and I went to Poco Loco and he and two of Betty’s friends, Ricard and Benny met us there. Alain kept bringing me drinks and I guess he was trying to get me drunk. I wasn’t feeling good and he said he would take me back to my hotel, but I must have passed out. I was able to get rid of a couple of the drinks … thank God I did!

“I woke while he was … was on top of me. He … oh, God!”

“That’s okay, Kathy. Can you tell me where this happened?”

“It was about a mile or so down the coast from the hotel where I took the taxi. I think that was in Playa Del Carmen. There was a palm tree by itself on the ocean side of the place and it leaned towards the water. I’m sorry … I can’t … “

“Maribel, I think she has had enough for tonight. You can talk to her again in the morning. Kathy, please take this pill now. You should sleep fine.”

I took the pills and … the bright morning sun was lying to me about bringing sunshine into my life.

THE FIRST DAY OF NEVER

“Weep I cannot, but my heart bleeds.”
- Shakespeare, The Winters Tale III,iii,50

Betty was next to me on the bed; she must have been there all night. Her face was streaked with tears and the pillow was damp. Her skin was mottled with red splotches. It was clear that she had cried a great deal when I had disappeared. Knowing Betty, I was sure she blamed herself.

I quietly eased off the bed and into the shower. With the water as hot as I could stand, tears came to my eyes as I thought about last night. I started sobbing but something came over me, something hard and implacable, something with … hate in it. I knew I would cry no more but I would carry last night in my heart forever. What happened last night was not Kathy; I was someone different!

I walked out of the bathroom dressed and dry eyed. Betty had heard the shower and was sitting in the chair with her robe on. She looked at me uncertainly for a minute, then rushed and held me tight, whispering over her sobs.

“Kathy, I’m so sorry. I feel so bad we got separated; it was just … “

Pulling back a little I wiped her tears off.

“Betty, it wasn’t your fault. It just happened … I made a mistake.”

I added more to myself than to her, “A mistake I’ll never make again!”

We talked for a while - until someone knocked on the door. I’m not sure either of us felt any better but no one was crying now.

Opening the door I let Taña, the doctor in. I could see Maribel sitting on the sofa in the living room part of the suite.

“Kathy, you need to talk to the police woman some more. Maybe with your help we can catch them. Before we go out I want to make sure you are all right. Do you have any pain from the stitches?”

“No, it just itches a little.”

“I’ll give you some antibiotic cream – it will stop any itching and make sure there is no chance of infection. Are you okay to talk?”

I responded with an abrupt “yes,” a coldness in my voice.

Taña looked at me for a minute, a soft sadness in her eyes and led me into the living area.

I told them in more detail everything that had happened, a sour bitterness creeping into my voice.

I don’t remember too much of it now – just the hate and bitterness that had taken over that part of me that was supposed to be soft and full of love. It’s mostly just flashes of that day and the next before we were able to leave for home, mostly things Maribel had to say:

We caught Ricard and Benny as they were leaving on a boat. We will videotape your depositions so you can go back to California.

This is unfortunately becoming typical, this targeting young, vulnerable girls.

Klaus - you knew him as Alain - has apparently left the country. I know a guy that owes me a favor that can get a message to Arturo - that’s Arturo Mendoza - about what he has been doing with the girls. I wouldn’t want to be Klaus – Arturo is not a nice guy.

I’ve talked to Oscar Fuentes, the security manager at the hotel here. We have been working on a program to work closer with the hotels, both on security measures and making the hotel staff aware of ‘situations’.

There was more but I guess I’ve blocked it out of my mind.

We got home and it was hard with mom. She was furious with Betty’s parents; she blamed them. Betty wasn’t comfortable coming around and we started drifting apart.

I was in my room most of the time – I’d try to read but I just kept starting at the page, the words becoming unfocused. My doctor was treating me for depression but I drifted through each day, one like another, days tainted with a nebulous darkness.

It all came together, and apart, on the day I found out I was pregnant. It took a while for me to figure out what had happened but Mom must have pulled in the garage as I cut my wrist. She had a funny feeling when she came in the house; she couldn’t describe it, just that “things didn’t feel right.”

She got a bandage wrapped tightly around my wrist. That combined with the blade being not too sharp and my pathetic swipe kept me alive until the paramedics arrived.

I had to do some counseling … it seemed to help some. What surprised me, I mean really surprised me, was that thought that I had about killing two people. I started getting interested in having a baby, becoming a mother. I started focusing on my little boy (somehow it seemed like it must be a boy) and that was a distraction for me. I stopped thinking so much about myself and started thing about the baby.

Mom seemed to be about as depressed as I was and wasn’t much help. She had kind of accepted what had happened in Cancun and even my being pregnant. What really bothered her was my trying to kill myself. I told her over and over that I was over that and that I was falling in love with my baby. I think she accepted that, at least in her mind, but she still watched me constantly and didn’t want to leave me alone.

I don’t know how things would have turned out but everything changed when I was about four months along. Mom was talking to her brother in Idaho and lost it and started crying. I was reading a book so I picked up the phone and talked to Uncle Sean. I told him what had happened and about the baby and all. By that time, mom had settled down and talked to him again, for a long time.

The next morning at breakfast, the rest of my life happened!

“Honey, Sean wants you to move to his ranch to have the baby. Afterwards you can either stay there or come home. I think it will be good for you to get away from here and see new faces. He has babysitting for his dude ranch customers so that will help a lot. He said he would find a job for you; he mentioned he needed a hostess for the restaurant. What do you think, Kathy?”

Well, I thought it sounded great. The one time I had spent the summer there, I had loved the place and my aunt and uncle. The cowboys had fussed over me, both teasing me and watching out for me.

A week later my mother made the long drive to Idaho. She stayed for a couple of days and we parted in a vale of tears when she left.

WILLOW, WEEP FOR ME

“‘Guess now who holds thee?’ - ‘Death,’ I said.
But there, the silver answer rang, … ‘Not Death, but Love.’”
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Standing there in the early dawn in back of the rambling log ranch house I looked up at the hill, the rising sun diffused by the large willow tree. It was over eight feet in diameter and tall at more that sixty-five feet. The glow of the rising sun highlighted the bright yellow of the young shoots enthusiastically growing in the early spring.

The tree sheltered the remains of generations of the Lane family … in fact, all of the Lanes excepting me, Tom, as the last of the line. I briefly wondered if the tree would fade away as the family had through the years.

As I started up the path, the heavy dew bathing my new boots, a slight smile came to me as I remembered from one of my college courses the quote from Richard Wright in his Story of Gardening:

"Nor can we leave the willow without remarking on how its weeping form became the symbol for the correct Victorian female attitude. The modest bending of their slim, pendulous branches, their response to the least breath of wind, readily typifies the acquiescence that Victorian ladies were supposed to display."

The smile faded quickly as I reached the top of the hill where a too large collection of markers and monuments were the memories of the rise and fall of a family. I could still hear my grandmother telling me the stories when we would visit what she called “the knoll of death with the tree that weeps.”

I kneeled before the new marble slab, shiny with the dampness, and read the sharply chiseled inscription:

And this was my beloved

Sara Jane Lane

Wife of Tom, Mother of Sara Anne

Forever part of their hearts

1976 – 2006

My thoughts wandered to the small gathering yesterday afternoon under the weeping tree, sadly huddled together under the misty, cold drizzle of an afternoon rain in the mountains of Idaho. I sat there under a small canopy, Annie on my lap, looking at the pine box as the pastor droned on with his thoughts on life and death.

Annie was looking up at me, old enough to be sad but young enough not to understand why. Wonder in her eyes, she put her small hand on my face and wiped my tears away. I averted my eyes from the box that contained Sara Jane and thought of our discussion those too few years ago.

The ranch was south of Hayden Lake on Orourke Bay. I95 was about ten miles straight west but it was a good thirty-minute drive. From there on in to Coeur D’Alene was about another ten minutes, making it an easy forty-five minute drive. It was close enough to commute into town.

I had been dating Sara Jane for a brief six months and was hopelessly in love with her. She was a tall spare woman, comely in a reserved way, with a serious demeanor interrupted frequently enough by bouts of sunshine and laughter. There had seemed to be something sad about her from the beginning, something I couldn’t put my finger on.

I was thirty and had just received a promotion with the Idaho Fish and Game Commission. I was going to be the manager of the Upper Snake Region and would be moving to Idaho Falls. I was currently mostly doing education classes and was living in Coeur D’Alene where I met Sara Jane. She was a teacher at Lewis and Clark State College in the Social Work Department. She also taught a couple of classes, as needed, at North Idaho Community College: usually either Oral History or American Indian History.

Sara Jane was about forty per cent Nez Percé and got involved in the oral and Indian history through her own research. Her grandmother Sara, several greats ago, was the daughter of a Nez Percé warrior and had been separated from her family as a young girl during the Battle of Big Hole in 1877.

I think I fell in love with Sara Jane the first time I saw her. I was teaching a fly fishing class at the Bar None Ranch and she drove the forty-five minutes out from Coeur D’Alene for the three day, afternoon class. She was lovely in her hip waders and her gritty determination to learn intrigued me. After the last day I seized the day and asked her to stay for dinner at the ranch. The owner, Sean Brennan, was a long time friend of my father’s before my dad had passed away.

They had a truly great restaurant as part of their dude ranch activities, and using their brand, a zero with a bar across the top of it, advertised that they were the “best restaurant in Idaho, Bar None!” Unlike most of the dude ranches in the area they were open year round.

It was a wonderful meal and I think Sara Jane had fun. I was too busy falling in love to notice whether I was enjoying it or not. We started dating regularly and then I got up the nerve to move ahead. I looked for a ring and found what I wanted. It was more than I could afford but she was worth it to me!

I wanted to do something different with the ring, not just put it in a jewelry box. The Coeur D’Alene reservation of the Nez Percé was about an hour’s drive south of town. I had been there a couple of times with Sara Jane visiting her “aunt.” At least she called her that … she was somewhere north of eighty, a tiny wizened woman with a surprisingly hearty laugh. If anything she was an aunt of a remote cousin.

I had noticed while we were there that there were a lot of knock-off handicrafts that were sold to tourists. I thought it would be nice to give my love the ring in a small handcrafted purse. What I had in mind was a replica of a type of bag designed to carry ration cards. They were usually small, about three by five inches of so. They could vary a bit either way. Mostly they were quite pretty, decorated with beads or else made from cornhusks. The latter were typically decorated with colorful wool yarn.

So I made the trip down to visit Alikkees, which as near as I understood had something to do with ‘haircut.’ Sara Jane called her Kat'sa, which was the Nez Percé name for maternal grandmother. I think this was a sign of respect. I was told to call her Aunt Sophie. Driving down I was thinking I’d better pay more attention to everything since I would be marrying into a culture, not just Sara Jane.

Aunt Sophie was pleased to see me and sat out front on a bench. She made me tell her everything – it all came out: my love for Sara Jane, the ring I had purchased, my plans for the future. She asked some surprisingly penetrating questions and I was reminded again that wisdom wasn’t only the province of the young.

I told her what I wanted and she nodded wisely for a few minutes – actually I thought she went to sleep – then with a startled look on her face she jumped up with more agility than I would have expected and went inside to her small home she shared with her grandson, Henry.

She returned about twenty minutes later with an old cigar box – it wasn’t a brand I’d ever heard of. She opened it carefully and pulled out an object wrapped in a silk handkerchief. She unwound the silk and showed me the beautifully made ration card bag. It was a little larger than others I’d seen, about 5.5 by 6.5 inches. It was made of finely woven cornhusks decorated with wool in colors of red, blue, purple and orange.

The wool was woven with outlined triangles in each corner and a smaller triangle centered between each of the four corner boxes. It had two handles made of leather strips. I’d seen one in a store in Coeur D’Alene for over a grand. This was in perfect shape and absolutely stunning.

Aunt Sophie put the box in my hands and waved me to my car. I stood there at a loss, not understanding what was going on. She yelled for her grandson and fired a torrent in her native language at him. Henry looked at her for a minute and at her nod started talking.

“Tom, this is a bit strange but she is adamant. She wants you to take this purse and when you give the ring to Sara Jane give her this bag also.”

“Henry, I can’t take this. It is very expensive – I was looking for a replica.”

Henry talked to his grandmother again for a few minutes and turned back to me. He opened the box and took out the ration bag and took a small card out.

“This is the ration card of Sara Jane’s great grandmother. You can see the date on the card, 1903. The name is her paternal great grandmother’s name. I won’t try to explain how Sophie was related and how she came to have the bag, but she wants Sara Jane to have it … and she wants you to give it to her.”

I was stunned – this was a lot to take in. I pulled myself together and thanked them profusely and drove back to town. I was meeting Sara Jane for dinner and was going to surprise her with the ring. I arrived at the restaurant first and, when she came I, I stood up to pull her chair out. On an impulse I put my arms around her and hugged her tightly, as if I was afraid she would disappear.

She sat down and asked with a wry grin and a raised eyebrow, “I guess you are pleased to see me?”

I was so excited about popping the question that I was on tenterhooks the entire evening, even though I knew she loved me. I could see I was even making her nervous. Finally, over coffee and brandy, I waved to the waiter. He came back in a few minutes later with a box wrapped in a gold paper. I handed it to her and asked her to open it.

Looking at me, a little suspiciously I thought, she asked, “What is this?”

I took her hand and looked in her dark brown eyes, “This is just a box. Inside, though, is my love! Please be gentle with it!”

Looking intrigued she laughed at that and carefully started taking the paper off. I’d left the ration bag in the cigar box Aunt Sophie gave to me.

When Sara Jane got to the cigar box, she looked at me with her nose wrinkled and a question in her eyes.

I nodded to her, “Go ahead; open the box.”

She lifted the lid and picked up the silk kerchief and slowly unfolded it. When the ration bag came into view, she stared at it, holding it like a newborn baby. She gently touched the bag, feeling the contrasting textures of the cornhusks and the wool, eyes feasting on the still bright colors.

“But, Tom, how … why … “

She obviously knew it wasn’t a replica, that she was holding something precious – a piece of her life, her culture.

Quietly, not wanting to spoil the moment, I said, “Go ahead, see what’s in the bag.”

She opened the bag and slowly pulled the ration card out. She stopped and looked at me for a moment and held it up to the light. At first, she looked puzzled, then surprised, then a little astonished before starting to cry. She clearly understood whose name was on the card.

I took her hands and explained to her how I came to have the bag.

“But, honey, this is only the first of two surprises I have for you tonight.

I took the small box out of my pocket and feeling a little silly got down on one knee. Opening the box I handed her the ring.

“Sara Jane, I love you and want to share my life with you. Will you live with me, love with me? Will you marry me?”

She looked shocked for a minute – her face a study in changing emotions. Shock changed quickly to a huge smile of happiness. She started to put the ring on … and then something came over her, some indefinable emotion. The smile faded, quickly replaced by a look of intense sadness – a look of a mother losing her child.

She arose suddenly, put the ring on the table, grabbed the box and ran from the restaurant!

I stared after her, bewildered and hurt. I felt a pain beyond any expectation. I was expecting her to tease me a little, and then give me a hug and say, “Yes!”

I slowly dragged myself into my chair as the waiter appeared with a bottle of champagne. Seeing my love not there he beat a swift retreat, looking back at me once with a look of hurt on his face. I sat there, openly crying, and finally stood and walked slowly to my car. Back at my lonely apartment I stared at the phone, waiting endlessly for it to ring, for Sara Jane to call and explain everything to me.

I finally called her after agonizing over what to say. Of course it went to her answering service and I left a bleak message asking her to call me when she had a chance. Pathetic!

I called her a couple of times over the next few weeks but she never called back. I stopped by one of her classes but found out she had taken a leave of absence. I was going crazy, fighting off bouts of depression. How could I have been so wrong? I knew she loved me – that’s not easy to fake!

Finally I went back to the reservation to talk to Aunt Sophie. I asked Henry to sit with us – I had to get this right. She looked at me with a great deal of sadness and gave me a gentle hug. She had never done that before. I started to tell her what had happened but she already seemed to know. She nodded to Henry and seemed to doze in the warm sun shining on the bench.

Henry looked at me for a while, somewhat pensively. “Tom, you’ve heard about sickle cell anemia, right?”

“Yeah, sure, it’s mostly inherited from African ancestors, right?”

“That’s what you hear the most about. It is also fairly common for people of Mediterranean and Middle Eastern descent. Unfortunately it’s also all too common in Native American people. Many of us have one gene and that gives us the sickle cell trait. Those who have two genes actually have the disease.”

Henry paused for a moment, looking out at Steptoe Butte, towering over the valley floor. I knew this was a religious site for the Nez Percé and that Henry was looking for wisdom to say the right thing.

“Sara Jane has the disease. The problem is not that she doesn’t love you but that she does - only too much! She knows that she will live ‘til she is fifty at the oldest, maybe earlier. Also she is afraid of passing the gene to her children.”

I found myself staring at the butte … maybe searching for the same wisdom as Henry. I felt something let go inside – my heart, my very soul relaxed. If Sara Jane didn’t love me, that was devastating and was life itself. This was just a problem.

Henry told me where she was – staying with family on the other side of the reservation. He gave me directions and said he would call and let her know I was coming.

As I pulled my truck (fish and game logo and all) up to the house I saw Sara Jane running out. She threw her arms around me and squeezed me tightly.

“Oh, Tom! I’m so sorry for running out on you like that. I do love you. I love you terribly. I panicked and ran without thinking what it would do to you.”

I held her, both of us crying now. We went to a picnic table in back of the house and sat down.

“Tom, you do understand why I can’t marry you, don’t you?”

“No, I don’t! Look at me. Do you love me? I mean really love me?”

Almost a whisper, “Yes, Tom.”

“Okay, then, start planning the wedding!”

I guess she could see that she would have to either marry me or shoot me. I wasn’t really in doubt as to her choice, but I was relieved when she leaned into me and sighed.

It wasn’t easy. We had many long talks and met with her doctor several times. Finally the wedding happened and we started our life together. It was all I expected and more. Underneath her reserved exterior lived a passionate woman.

Life was good and got even better when she became pregnant a year after we married. The pregnancy was harder on her than I thought it would be and, looking back, I should have foreseen the end. Three years after Sara Anne was born my beloved died after a year of getting progressively worse. By the time she died, I think we both were looking at the end as a blessing. She couldn’t live with the pain and I couldn’t stand to see her suffer so.

I’d kept the ranch after my parents had died … I couldn’t part with 150 years of Lanes resting in the ground under the weeping willow.

I would forever after get tears in my eyes when I saw a willow tree. Sara Jane was now always in the arms of the big tree; I took our baby and moved sadly on with my life … knowing a love like that would never bless me again.

THE BAR NONE RANCH BABY

“You do a lot of growing up when you’re pregnant. It’s suddenly like, ‘Yikes. Here it is, folks. Playtime is over.’”
- Connie Fioretto

When we left Sherman Oaks, mom told me, “Kathy, I know it won’t be home for you, but your Aunt Mary and Uncle Sean are family. I know you will want to come back as soon as you can after the baby is born.”

Thinking back to this as we entered the ranch seemed funny in a way – I had left my home in Southern California but driving under the log entryway to the ranch road felt like I was coming home, not leaving it. As we drove under the archway with the Bar None logo I felt both a sudden peace and a prickling of excitement. I had last been here six years ago when I was twelve. I had a sense as we drove down the mile long road to the ranch that I wanted to stay here forever.

There were clusters of lodge pole pine and aspen scattered along the road. The fall weather was causing the aspens to show their fall finery: the shiny green of summer changing to brilliant yellow and gold splashes that contrasted with the always green of the pines and the scarlet parade of sumac. There was a faint hint of the dry smell of summer dust that was heavily overlaid with the heady aromas of the pines.

I felt something ease in me as we pulled up to the lodge. No one was around and since it was lunchtime we figured everyone was either eating in the cookhouse or the restaurant. We had come up I-15 through Las Vegas and Salt Lake City and then on to I-90. We had stayed our second night on the road in Missoula and eaten breakfast almost six hours of driving ago. Lunch sounded great!

We went in and Aunt Mary was behind the check-in counter working with the copier. When she heard the door opening she rushed over and gave us both a big hug. I was sure she had forgotten me but she fussed a bit and took us in to the restaurant. The summer rush was over and there were just a few people eating – as Mary told us, folks would drive up to see the fall colors and stop by to eat.

My cousin Marcie was busing tables and stayed back, shy like, until Aunt Mary whispered in her ear. She ran to me, squealing like only a twelve-year-old girl can, and threw her arms around me, quivering with excitement. I couldn’t believe how much she had grown! The food was fantastic and for the first time I worried about gaining weight with my pregnancy.

Later Uncle Sean came in while we were having some cherry pie for dessert. He looked at me, kinda somberly, and then gave me a long hug, whispering in my ear, “We’ll get through this girl, don’t worry.”

I couldn’t say why, but that made me feel a lot better. It was rushed for the next couple of days until Mom left; suddenly it was quiet.

Uncle Sean explained to me,

“During the summer we are busy as all get out. You know we are open year round, right?”

At my nod he continued, “Only one or two of the other dude ranches in Idaho are open year round – most are only open during the summer. Once we get to mid-October, like tomorrow, we are open for the cabins and restaurant only on weekends. A lot of folks forget that we have a working ranch and there is always something to do. Mostly we get way behind during the summer and need this time to catch up.

“During the summer we never stop with the customers: horseback rides, camping, swimming, fly-fishing, hiking; gosh, you name it! We even teach handicrafts. Say, girl, do you fish? No, I guess not, being a Valley Girl and all,” he finished, laughing.

“Anyway, we have a guy - Tom his name is, Tom Lane - that works for the Idaho Fish & Game, and he sometimes comes up here and teaches classes. I’ll tell you girl, he is the best there is!”

I laughed, trying to take it all in. “And Uncle Sean, what do people do when they come up in the winter?”

“Gosh, honey, that should be obvious! There is sledding with the horses, cross country skiing, even snowshoeing … why some people just come out for the weekend and relax!”

He said this like he couldn’t believe people would spend a whole weekend just lazing around. I think it was truly a mystery to him.

They did weddings here during the summer and around Christmas and Easter. Mom and I had been staying in the bridal chamber – the room where the bride changed clothes, rested, and all that stuff. It was okay while mom was there but when she left I started thinking about the room I was in, the bridal suite. That was some depressing thinking!

I asked Uncle Sean where I could stay more permanent like.

“Wal, Kathy, as you see we built a bunch of new log cabins for the guests last year. I’ve been using the old ones for the married hands to stay in or for storage. I got a real nice one up the hill under that big ol’ cottonwood tree. It’s nice and shady during the summer and has a great view all year ‘round.”

One of the hands - my old friend Curley (bald as an egg, of course!), the one that taught me how to ride a horse and sorta protected me from myself when I was twelve - helped me move all the stored stuff out. Curley’s wife – she cleaned the cabins – helped me get everything spic and span (that’s how she said it).

I moved in and really liked it. It was private and very snug. It was also tiny; one large room with the back mostly taken up with an open kitchen and a small bath boxed in back in the corner. The lodge had a reading room and Aunt Mary recommended to me some books to read. I guess she felt bad about my not being able to go to school.

I started working in the restaurant on weekends as the hostess and in the office for half-days during the week. The hostess part was easy. I just had to be polite and helpful - you know, smile a lot. I did get a bunch of guys flirt with me – God knows why since I was showing now. I’d just smile and lead them to their table; I knew about men now!

Aunt Mary took me in to see a doctor in Sand Point - it was just a block from Lake Pend Oreille and close to where I95 and route 200 came together. The doctor was really nice; she seemed to be in her mid-thirties and pretty in a way. She made me feel much more comfortable about having the baby. I guess I really didn’t know anything.

Mom would call once a week, regularly like on Sunday mornings. She was planning on coming up - flying into Spokane this time - for Christmas. She would stay for a week. Uncle Sean said he would put a roll-away bed in the cabin for me to use while mom was here.

I was able to sign up for some online courses in North Idaho College, mostly accounting stuff to help in the office. I could do them at my own pace and use the computers in the office in the evenings. After the baby was born I would be able to start taking courses for an A.A. degree in forestry, wildlife, range, or wild land recreation management. I could take two courses by going in one day a week to Sand Point. I would have to finish by going to classes in Coeur D’Alene in a couple of years. Uncle Sean said I could worry about that later.

Marcie was fascinated with the way my stomach just started getting bigger and bigger. She kept asking me questions; ones that I would have to ask the doctor so I would know what to say to her. She was excited about babysitting for me. She helped out in the day care center the ranch provided for customers during the summer – including the restaurant.

Mom did come for the holidays and it was a lot of fun. The place was a winter wonderland – the air so clean and everything so lovely. We had a big Christmas dinner – we were open only for brunch that day – and I got more presents than I’d ever had before. They were mostly simple things, many of them hand made. I knew they were given with love though and I felt good.

Mom did ask me about Betty, about how I felt towards her. Betty wanted to visit me during spring break – about a month after the baby was due. I was okay, I never blamed her but she had just felt so guilty. I wrote Betty a Christmas card and pleaded with her to come and see the baby and me. I didn’t think of him (my doctor had told me!) as having anything to do with Klaus/Alain or even Cancun … this was my baby!

I wasn’t depressed anymore; I was actually having fun and was more outgoing than I had ever been. The cowboys teased me a lot but I think they all looked at me like I was their daughter. Uncle Sean taught me a lot about the ranch, discussing with me like an adult the problems that came up and he even asked me how I would solve them. I didn’t think I knew much, but as the winter went on more and more he would say, “Okay, let’s do it that way then!”

The winter months went by faster than I could have imagined and I felt it was a time of growth for me. There was that one cold winter day that I woke up and felt like a woman. It was a strange thought for me and I puzzled over it for a couple of hours. Later I waddled by the full-length mirror in the ladies room at the restaurant and started laughing at myself. Yeah, with a tummy like that I must be a woman!

We planned everything out for when it was time for the baby. Of course all the plans were for naught. My water broke in the middle of a blizzard with the howling wind pushing the snow into large drifts. The ranch hands had been trying to keep the ranch road plowed with the scraper on the big F-350, but they couldn’t keep up with it.

Uncle Sean made a couple quick calls and got the grader off the highway to come out to the ranch and clear a path. Aunt Mary was calm but I think I was close to whatever comes past panic. Once we got out to the highway it was no problem and we arrived at the hospital with a couple of hours to spare. William Sean Belle (after my dad and Uncle Sean) was born a robust nine pounds and a hell raiser from day one. Before we left the hospital I knew he was going to need the firm hand of a father … but I didn’t want a husband! Well, enough time for that later.

Spring came quickly after I got back from the hospital and I felt at one with the new life that was taking place all around me. I was worried that I had no idea how to be a mother but surprisingly it came easy. Billy, as I called him, was a handful but at that he was good-natured. He ate well and usually slept good.

With the growing warmth of spring, Betty came for her visit. We both cried and I was startled when I realized I was crying for her and not for myself. She kept apologizing until I threatened to make her nurse little Billy unless she quit. She laughed at that and we both relaxed.

Betty had clearly changed, matured really, since I had last seen her. I think Cancun scared her as she realized it could as easily have been her instead of me. She told me she wasn’t flirting with the boys any more and was concentrating on her studies. There was one boy she liked but she wanted to take it slow. I invited her to bring him to visit in the summer. I’d learned that putting people in a different environment than they were used to showed a lot about their character.

Aunt Mary and Uncle Sean liked her a lot and offered her a summer job working with the kids in the ten-fifteen year range. She would be taking them on hikes, doing handicrafts, swimming, etc. Betty said she didn’t know how to do any of that stuff except for the swimming. I knew she had her lifeguard certificate. Uncle Sean laughed at her and asked how much she thought the kids knew.

“Betty, these are mostly city kids that would get lost in the corral if it weren’t fenced!”

Her friend, Terry, did come for a week over the Fourth of July. He seemed very nice and fit in well with everyone. I liked him a lot and told Betty to hang on to him.

We cried a little when she left but now it was the happy tears of two women that liked and respected each other and would be lifelong friends. I was surprised at how good she was with the baby; she was gentle but had a firmer hand than I did. She could get him to go to sleep in a few minutes and it usually took me most of an hour.

I was amazed at how much the baby disrupted the flow of life at the ranch. All of the ranch hands kind of adopted Billy and helped watch out for him. As the summer trade picked up I was able to use the day care center quite a bit. I was working in the office for a couple of hours in the mornings and I was able to have my baby there with me most of the time. Then I would work hostess for lunch and dinner with three or four hours off in the afternoons.

Aunt Mary found a baby back pack that someone had left a couple of years ago and I started taking hikes during the afternoon for about an hour then I would come back and take a nap while Billy had his afternoon nap.

Sometimes I would walk down by the stream where the fly-fishing took place and watched the (mostly) guys try their hand. I was intrigued in the obvious difference in the skill level of the fishermen. It was essentially the difference between chaos and order, and the difference between fun and satisfaction and frustration. Betty told me that golf was the same way.

So I would look for the ones that seemed to have some skill … and watch them. Little Billy would play around on the grassy bank or sleep on a blanket. I became more and more fascinated and decided I wanted to learn how to do that. I talked to Uncle Sean and he said I could take the next class that Tom Lane taught.

“Honey, the way I do the classes, it guarantees that they will take place if even one person shows up. You’d be surprised at the additional business I’ve had in both the restaurant and the Dude Ranch because I held the class open if there was even one enrollment. I do this a little different in that all the money goes to Tom; I don’t hold anything back. If there are less than four persons enrolled I give him a free lunch or dinner.”

“But Uncle Sean, doesn’t that cost a lot of money?”

“No, honey, you wouldn’t believe the number of people that come to eat and mention Tom’s name. I give them all a free glass of the house wine whenever they do.”

A couple of weeks later - this was early September - Tom was stopping by to teach the last class of the summer. There were a couple and a single guy and myself in the class. It was three days long with Tom teaching in the morning and walking around helping out and giving pointers in the afternoons. Lunches we would eat as a group so people could ask questions.

I was surprised at how good I did! From watching I thought it would be hard but for some reason it came easy to me! Tom was impressed and told me so. I noticed that on the third afternoon he was watching me more than the others. Once when I saw him on the bank, sitting in the grass and observing me, I walked over and sat down next to him. I’d gotten to know him fairly well over the last few days and had seen him in the Bar None Restaurant a couple of times over the summer.

I sat for a minute and turned to him.

“I’m not doing very good, am I?”

He looked a little startled and replied, “No! No, you are doing quite well. Actually I’m impressed – you have done about as well as anyone I’ve taught here.” He glanced askance at me, “Why do you ask?”

“Tom, it seems like you have been neglecting the other students this afternoon and only watching me. I thought maybe I wasn’t doing as good as I had thought.”

Looking embarrassed he looked down and then at me, “I’m sorry, Kathy. I’m afraid you caught me. Don’t be mad at me, it’s just … well you remind me of my wife. I don’t know why – you are completely different. I guess … well, it’s … you’re just nice I guess. And, well, shoot; you’re really pretty too! I’m sorry, I apologize.”

Well, that was interesting.

“Tom, it’s okay. I was just teasing you. I can’t believe how well I’m doing with the fly-fishing. I’m afraid I have fallen in love with this sport. Besides, you know I have a baby! Why would you think I’m pretty? I still need to lose at least ten more pounds that Billy gave me!”

I was laughing as I said that but Tom made me think. There wasn’t anything that really stood out about him – he had brown hair with matching eyes, medium height, neither slim nor husky. An intelligent face with a nose maybe a trifle large but a ready smile that was his best feature. He seemed kind and I had seen how patient he was.

He stared at me for a moment, tears in his eyes. “Kathy, I have a little girl, she is three. I don’t have any family but my wife - Sara Jane her name was - had a lot of relatives. She died a year ago and her family, I mean cousins and some others, maybe just ones that loved her, take care of Sara Anne for me when I have to travel.”

He looked at me, a question in his eyes, “Kathy, I don’t have any right to ask you this but I need to talk to someone. I’ve kept everything about Sara Jane bottled up inside of me and I need, I need … I’m sorry!”

He looked out at the stream but I could see the tears in his eyes – it made me want to cry also.

Quietly, I said, “Tom, It’s okay; I understand. I’m really a good listener. Billy usually goes to sleep about eight-thirty. Why don’t you meet me on the porch of my cabin at about that time? It’s the one on the hill under the big cottonwood. I make a mean pot of coffee and you can talk, okay?”

Tom looked relieved and nodded. We sat there feeling some companionship and then he stood to check on the other students.

I felt funny about the episode but was looking forward to seeing him later. I felt strongly mixed emotions. I remember how cruel men could be – but then Tom was so nice and quiet. He seemed, I don’t know, strong and protective and loyal. I don’t know why I felt the last.

I went back and got Billy from the day care center and took him up the hill to my home. It was starting to feel like that to me. It was fun to take care of my son … I really didn’t associate him with the awful things that had happened in Cancun. I fed him and we played for a while and I put him to bed.

I’d told Tom about the coffee because I was scared to death of liquor. I put on a nice wool skirt with a matching sweater since it was starting to cool off in the evenings. The coffee was ready and I dusted the swing and chair on the porch.

I sat waiting on Tom and marveled at my life. It was so different; so far away from anything I could have possibly imagined. At the same time it was very satisfying. I was learning from the classes I was taking and Uncle Sean and Aunt Mary were so nice to me. I was taking on more and more of the paperwork of the ranch and was continuing the hostess work mostly because it was so rewarding. I was meeting the regular customers and I was surprised at how good I was with people.

I certainly hadn’t planned on my baby but Billy was my life now. I could see him growing up and running this place some day. It wasn’t easy, taking on a baby and completely changing my life but it gave me great satisfaction to know that I could deal with life changing events. I rarely had nightmares about Alain/Klaus anymore – I was too worn out at night.

I saw Tom walking up the hill in the quiet twilight. I walked down a bit to let him know that Billy was asleep and took his arm and walked up to the porch.

We had expected a quiet night in the restaurant so I had taken the evening off and hadn’t seen Tom since that afternoon. Even though I had made the coffee I was still a little surprised to see him.

We sat down, him in the chair and me in the swing, and drank the hot, strong coffee in a companionable silence. Tom looked a little nervous so I tried to reassure him.

“Tom, I know I’m still kinda young - I just turned nineteen last month - but I’m a great listener. If you have anything you want to talk about, that’s okay, I’ll listen and no one will ever hear about it. If you want to sit and enjoy the coffee and relax, that’s fine too. Once in a while we have fireflies flitting around and that always makes my day complete.

He laughed a little at that and sat watching the lights at the bottom of the knoll as the night was wrapped up at the ranch. Tom started talking of how he had met Sara, the problem with the sickle cell that had caused Sara Jane to refuse his ring.

I sat listening, nodding once in a while but mostly letting Tom talk.

He described that graveyard sitting oh-so-sadly underneath the large family weeping willow.

“Kathy, I dug that grave myself. Somehow I got through the funeral; little Annie was so sad although I knew she didn’t understand but the next morning when I went up the hill by myself … it was so hard!”

He went on to tell me all the things about Sara Jane, his engagement, what a wonderful woman she was, her dying and death, the baby girl; the story of his love a bit at a time, the telling gradually slowing down; finally stopping.

We sat there for quite a while, each with our own thoughts. His of the love of his life and mine of life I lost in Cancun. Both of us leaking tears but too lost in the moment to cry. Without looking at me he slowly got up and trudged down the hill - his movements belying his youthful age.

I sat there a while lost in my thoughts – wondering what it could be like if neither of us bore the burden of our history. I didn’t see Tom again until the spring was bringing new life to the ranch – then my heart died when he came to dinner one night!

COULD THIS BE LOVE?

“Farewell, false love, the oracle of lies … “
- Sir Walter Raleigh

I continued through the winter with my studies in Sandpoint. I was taking two courses on Tuesday, during the day. Between Marcie (after school) and some of the ranch wives, Billy wasn’t a problem. I had two hours between classes and I took to going to a nearby restaurant and having lunch at a back table and studying afterwards.

The morning class was on Terrain Park Management and the afternoon was on Native People of America. After the first three weeks, I noticed my professor from the morning class, Kenny Dahl, was starting to eat lunch there. He seemed like a nice person. He was tall, somewhat lanky, with a boyish face and a shock of blond hair not knowing which way it was supposed to go.

I saw him glancing at me once in a while and finally one day he nodded at me and asked if he could join me. From then on it seemed to happen every week. I knew he wasn’t married because one of my classmates, Sandra, had a crush on him and had investigated. He seemed very nice and we had some great discussions that were carryovers from the classrooms. He was very smart and I felt like I was getting some extra teaching.

We got to know each other and one night I stayed over and watched a play put on by the school drama department. It was “The Playboy of the Western World” and was a biting Irish comedy. It was eye opening for me; I had never seen anything like that. I was so excited that when I got ready to leave I gave him a big hug and kissed him on the cheek. Embarrassed, I got in the car and went home.

Driving home I realized I was lonely. I had no one to love me … sure a lot of friends, but not that special someone. Could I dare dream? Was there a special someone for me?

Someone nice had never romanced me before. It was fun, actually. He started bringing flowers or a funny card ... something different each week. My feelings were, understandably, confused. Dare I dream of love? Could this be it?

Now I was regularly staying for a movie, dinner, a play, something different each week. I was holding hands with him now and the occasional kiss on the cheek. I was starting to wonder what it would be like to be really kissed. I was thinking one night that I didn’t know if Alain had even bothered to kiss me … when all that happened. Maybe no one had ever really kissed me before!

I liked Kenny but I hadn’t told him about Billy, my baby, as yet. One day I was walking by the trout stream – there was a rime of ice on the trees around the edges of the stream and a glitter of dry snow on the banks - remembering the days of summer last and how pleasant it had been with Billy and myself. What would it be like with Kenny? Thinking it might be nice and that Kenny needed to meet Billy sometime, I invited Kenny out to the ranch for Easter Sunday.

He came out on that Sunday morning in time for brunch – this was a specialty of the Bar None – and we sat down. It was pretty crowded; this was one of the events that presaged spring and for the large area north of Coeur D’Alene was a highlight of the winter.

I had the day off since I had a sort of date and they were having a wedding later. My cousin Marcie was watching the baby. She was thirteen now and I really trusted her. Besides, my cabin was just a few minutes away.

Kenny and I had already gone through the buffet line and were sitting down. I usually didn’t drink anything but Kenny talked me into a Mimosa. I looked up and saw Tom Lane walking in the door and he looked my way and made eye contact. His eyes sparkled as he started walking towards me.

Kenny decided on that moment, of all possible moments, to give me a big hug and plant a wet kiss on my lips. I felt like an Eskimo being kissed by a walrus! I hated, beyond hating, to be demonstrative. I don’t know if it was what happened or if I was shy or what, but I pushed Kenny away from me.

I looked over at Tom and saw … first shock, then pain on his face. He stumbled a little then half walked, half ran out of the restaurant. I didn’t see him again for six months! I lost sleep thinking about what that expression on his face meant. For the first time in my life I wondered what love was really all about.

I felt strange. Tom had no hold on me and I certainly had no hold on him but the pain I saw on his face hurt me as much as him. I knew then he was someone special and looked at Kenny with something akin to hatred for the unknowingly awful thing he had done to Tom.

I got through lunch somehow – Kenny seemed less attractive now, almost petulant. He hadn’t seen Tom but I guess I was giving off strange signals with my body language.

After lunch we had planned to go for a horseback ride. The high trails were still snow covered but the valley floor was pretty dry. I knew Kenny hadn’t ridden much so I had asked Curley to pick him out a gentle horse. When we got to the corral, my mare, Betty (yes, she gave me a hard time about that!) and the old gelding, Topper, were both ready to go.

Kenny took a look at Topper and saw he was not a young horse and started whining.

“I want a real horse.”

We had an appaloosa, Streak, a stallion we kept around for breeding in the next corral – a really beautiful but wild animal. Kenny looked over and imperiously said, “I want that one!”

I tried, I really did. “Kenny, that horse… “

Curley was standing there, an interesting look on his face. “Mister, you shore nuff got an eye for horseflesh! Why, with one glance you see the best animal on the ranch!”

I started again, “Kenny … “

“Dammit, Kathy, I know what I want and I want that horse.”

He turned to Curley and demanded that he saddle the horse. Curley put his hand over his mouth, and finally blurted out, “Sure thing, boss! You sure know them hosses!”

After Curley saddled the horse, shaking his head when I looked at him, Kenny stepped up on the horse.

Surprisingly, Streak gently walked out of the corral, but as soon as he was through the gate he started bucking like a rodeo horse. Kenny immediately took a flying leap, and of course appropriately landed in a pile of … well, let’s just say the hands had been mucking out the stalls.

The hands started on their guffawing like there was no tomorrow. Since we had a dude ranch they were used to raw greenhorns, but they hated a know-it-all. The first word that came to my mind was asshole! I had learned to be a lot more descriptive since I had left Sherman Oaks, and I wasn’t, like, a Valley Girl anymore.

As Kenney tried to extricate himself from the muck, Marcie brought Billy to me, as I had wanted to introduce my baby to Kenny. Curley weakened and held his hand out to help Kenny out. As Kenny stood up, he looked over at me, catching me with a grin on my face, holding my son. He looked at Billy and then at me, flicking his eyes back and forth a couple of times.

With an icy tone I’d never heard from him before he asked, “This isn’t your baby, is it?”

“Kenny, I was getting ready to introduce you two. I know you’ll like him!”

Kenny gave me a look I could only describe as dirty, continued, “You gave me a wild horse and you didn’t tell me you had a kid?”

He stepped closer to me and I was still trying not to laugh. I thought I had really liked him – maybe even thought that he was ‘the one,’ but of a sudden I realized he was pathetic. I was musing over that, maybe I was even sneering, God forbid, when Kenny gave me a shove and Billy and I fell into the pile/puddle of horse manure as he stalked away!

Everyone was shocked and there was a sudden silence. I looked up, Billy and I were both covered with the foul smelling muck, and handing Billy to Marcie. I caught Curley’s eye and we started laughing hysterically. Curley helped me up and led me back to my cabin, turning kindly away at the cabin so Billy and I could get our clothes off. We both knew none of these clothes would ever be worn again!

Later, after Marcie had helped me clean up Billy and put him to bed, I sat on the porch, chuckling at how people were so different. I had a flash memory of Tom walking out of the restaurant with tears in his eyes. I started crying, there on the porch in the gloom of the night and finally went into the cabin to search for an elusive sleep.

Long I tossed in the night, remembering words, glances, and by morning I knew two things: Tom was the love of my life and I had thrown away that love for a silly, girlish infatuation!

LOVE DENIED

“And ruined love, when it is built anew,
Grows fairer than at first, more strong, far greater.”
- Shakespeare Sonnet 138,1

Visiting the ranch with Annie that weekend was sad. I had a manager and a couple of hands run the place for me. Sherry, the manager’s wife, cleaned the house whenever I told her I was coming out. She would also take care of my little girl when I needed her.

I don’t know why I was missing Sara Jane so much at this particular time – well, I really did but I didn’t want to face up to it. When I walked into that restaurant at the Bar None a few days ago it was with great news and I wanted to share it with my friends Sean and Mary and with Kathy also.

I was being given the Coeur D’Alene district of the Idaho Fish and Game. This was a much larger district than what I had before and I wouldn’t have time for training anymore. The change came with a promotion and more money. I would be moving back to Coeur D’Alene where I first met Sara Jane.

I guess I hadn’t thought things out. I had felt such a great connection with Kathy Belle when I told her my story, the story of Sara Jane and our child, Annie. I know we hadn’t really talked but I was sure there was something there to build on. She was the first woman I’d met that started me thinking I might find love again.

Then I walked into that restaurant, big smile and all and saw … a guy kissing Kathy with more than a little enthusiasm. I was confused, then flustered, then – empty! It was such a desolate feeling I didn’t really know how to deal with it so I just left. Left, hell! I ran out tail nicely tucked between my legs. I didn’t even know she was dating anyone. And now, well, it looked like I wasn’t going to get that chance to get to know her like I wanted to.

Sunday morning I took Annie up the hill, holding her small hand in mine. The sun was already warm that sunny May morning and the Weeping Willow was glorious with its shiny new leaves and the bright gold of the stems spreading their treasure.

We stopped by Sara Jane’s grave and sat quietly. The shade from the big tree was cool and the air still. Annie was holding some flowers I’d given her and she put them at the foot of the marker. She looked at the stone and then at me. She was four now and knew that her mother was buried there but she didn’t really remember her anymore.

She took my hand and asked in a calm, serious voice, “Daddy, will I ever have a mommy again? I really want one.”

I swept her into my arms, holding her tightly. She pulled away and looked up at me, the question still in her eyes.

“Honey, you understand that we can’t get you a new mommy unless it’s someone we love. You see that, Annie?”

That got me a slow nod.

“The other part, Annie, is that person has to love us too, okay?”

“But daddy, I love you!” With the logic of a four year old, she continued, “Daddy, if I love you then our new mommy will!”

I smiled at that, wishing it were so easy, and gave her a big hug.

A couple of weeks later we moved permanently back onto the ranch. It was a longish drive into town: about forty minutes in the summer and ten minutes or so longer in the winter. The district station in Coeur D’Alene was on Kathleen Avenue – not quite Kathy but close enough to make me smile every time I saw the street sign. I already knew everyone so I was able to settle in quickly. I found a pre-school for Annie and I would leave her with Sherry at the ranch when I was in the field.

Several months later one of my agents reported that there were complaints from the Nez Percé reservation south of town about some guys poaching on one of the streams. I called Henry and asked him to get all the info he could. A week later he called me – my agent was fairly inexperienced. Bob, my agent, and I drove down to the reservation to meet with Henry.

We set up the arrest for the next weekend. I called a couple of guys in for backup and we met for lunch to plan everything out. Friday night, Bob and I drove down to the reservation and had dinner with Henry and Aunt Sophie. Bob seemed to struggle with it since it really wasn’t fast food.

The two guys that were providing backup met us for breakfast and we worked out a plan. I wanted Bob to make the arrest so I held back by the entrance to the campground. The other two guys were supporting Bob.

I heard some yelling and a couple of shots followed by a racing car engine. A Jeep Cherokee, bright red, tore out of the campground area racing for the exit. I had my gun out and when I saw the jeep I fired a shot in the air. The jeep swerved and raced right at me. I pointed my pistol at them but when push came to shove it was shoot the driver or jump. I jumped! Unfortunately, I was a trifle too late and the Cherokee clipped my leg. I was stunned but later - when I woke up and they were putting me in the ambulance – I found out that my femur was broken in two places!

It turned out they ran because they had drugs and unregistered handguns in their car. I did get the license number, Montana plates, and we wound up with some good arrests. I wonder why that didn’t make my leg feel better? I was wearing that cast for three months before I got a walking cast and started therapy. I couldn’t go into the field but was able to do office work. I had to have someone drive me around until I got the walking cast.

I was intensely busy with paperwork for a few months and then things settled down somewhat. It was now October but the weather was holding pretty well. I was working on a report when my secretary stepped in.

“There’s someone to see you, Tom. He says he is an old friend.”

It turned out to be Sean.

“Howdy, stranger! Welcome back to Coeur D’Alene.”

“What’s with the cane?” (He knew what had happened but he liked to give me a hard time.) He gave me a big hug and we wound up going to lunch. We caught each other up on events and finally I got a chance to ask about Kathy.

“She’s doing really good, smarter than a whip! She’s got our office all straightened out. She will finish her studies in Sandpoint next semester and then she wants to come down here to go to school. Say, are you interested in her?”

I changed the topic and we never got back to my interest in Kathy. Before he left, he invited me to come out to the ranch for Thanksgiving. It was the one day they were closed and made it a big meal with all the ranch hands and their families. A few close friends were also invited so it was nice of him to ask me. I agreed and told him I’d bring Annie with me.

I hoped Kathy was happy with her guy. I kept thinking he’d better treat her right, or … well, something. I was trying not to think about her and was fairly successful during the day. At night I was lonely. Many nights were too hard, too long, and too sad. I spent a lot of time with Annie. She was growing so fast and was becoming more and more a companion to me.

I wasn’t sure whether to look forward to Thanksgiving or not. I thought about not going but in the end I went. The cast was off but I had a bad limp. We got out of the car and started walking towards the lodge. Annie kept tugging on my hand but I couldn’t keep up with her. Finally Marcie saw us and took Annie away so I could talk with Sean and Mary.

DREAMS OF LOVE

“Ask your heart what it doth know.”
- Shakespeare, Measure for Measure II,ii,137

“Kathy! Look what I have!”

I looked up from changing the diaper for Billy and saw Marcie with a young girl. She was really pretty and somehow looked familiar.

Marcie looked at me like I wasn’t very smart and said, “This is Tom Lane’s girl, Sara Anne, but everyone calls her Annie. Let me finish with Billy and you can talk to her.”

I took Annie’s hand and we went out on the front porch. It was a little cool but Annie had a warm coat and I had a sweater. The sun felt a little warm on the porch out of the slight breeze.

“Annie, where is your Daddy?”

She looked at me as if she were trying to decide whether it was okay to share the answer with me and finally pointed down to the restaurant.

She opened up after a few minutes and we talked about the sorts of things you talked with little girls about. I stood up to get Billy and Marcie so we could walk down the hill. I really wanted to see Tom.

As we walked down the hill with Annie’s small hand in mine, Tom stepped off the porch, I guess looking for his daughter. He was walking with a cane and had a noticeable limp. My heart in my throat, I suddenly stopped as Tom looked up at us.

Annie looked at me to see why I had stopped, looked at her dad and back at me, like she was trying to figure something out.

“Are you my new mommy?”

Tears in my eyes I squatted down and gave her a hug. “Annie, would you like to be my little girl?”

Stubbornly, she continued, “Do you love me? Daddy said my new mommy had to love me.”

Wiping my eyes I said, “Everyone would love a pretty girl like you?”

“Do you love me?”

“Yes, Annie, I do.”

“Do you love daddy?”

Giving her an honest answer, I replied, “I’m not sure. I would like to find out though.”

As I said that, Tom had reached us so I stood up.

“What was that all about?”

Assuming he was taking about my talk with Annie, I just smiled and said primly, “Just girl talk! And what happened to your leg?”

“Let’s go sit inside the restaurant. It’s a little cold out here and it makes my leg ache. I’ll tell you everything over a cup of coffee.”

He picked Annie up and gave her a big hug. She whispered something in his ear and he looked at me and smiled. This was followed by a flash of what looked like pain – maybe his leg … maybe not.

Tom put Annie down and we walked slowly down to the restaurant and went inside. He looked around a little like he was looking for someone.

Looking back at me he said, somewhat hesitantly, “Is your friend here today?”

His voice cracked a little on the ‘friend’ part.

“Marcie, would you play with Annie for a few minutes? Tom, please go sit at that table by the window. I’ll get us some coffee.”

Marcie took Annie and Billy back to the kitchen where all the action was going on. We kept a stroller on the porch off the kitchen so I knew she and the kids would be okay.

I got a pot of coffee and two mugs. The fixings were already on the table. I sat down across from Tom. I looked at him for a longish minute. He met my eyes briefly and turned to look out the window nervously.

“Tom, please look at me. The guy you saw me with was one of my professors. I went on a few dates with him and there might have been something there. What you saw that night last year wasn’t something I wanted at that time and wasn’t expecting. Whatever there might have been was finished when I found out he didn’t like kids and he found out that I had one.

“I know you were hurt that night and I felt really bad about it. We never talked about our feelings and maybe we should have. I made a bad mistake that has taken a long time to get over and I don’t want to make another one. I definitely like you and I know you like me. Is it love? Do we have a future together? I don’t know but I’d like to find out.”

Here Tom started smiling and took my hand.

I continued, “Let’s just take it slow and see what happens. You know I have Billy, and you have an adorable daughter. Can we be friends?”

Seeing his face wince at the word ‘friends’, I continued with a laugh, ”I mean good friends and we can use that as a starting point. I have heard a lot about your ranch and would like to see it.”

He smiled again, and said with a chuckle, “Kathy, would you like to come visit my ranch?”

We talked for a while, getting to know each other better. He told me about his leg, some about the ranch and about his new job. I told him I would be starting school in Coeur D’Alene at Lewis-Clark State College in, hopefully, the spring semester, or the summer for sure.

In the middle of our talk Annie came back, sat by me and held my hand. She kept snuggling up and kind of leaning on me. She looked drowsy, so I put my arm around her and she fell asleep. Tom didn’t look at all unhappy that Annie had seemed to adopt me.

Everyone gathered in the dining room for the big Thanksgiving dinner. As usual Sean and Mary had gone a little crazy and we had way too much to eat. All told with everyone that worked there, families, and friends there were around fifty people. I sat with Tom and Annie, Marcie, Curley with his wife and two kids, and Aunt Mary. Billy had fallen asleep in the stroller and I didn’t have the heart to wake him up.

It was a great meal and the food was fantastic. There was a dessert table and people would wander around to say hi to everyone when they got up to satisfy their sweet tooth. I tried to be satisfied with a cherry pie from cherries grown and canned on the ranch. People sat around over coffee and talked.

Billy woke up and Tom held him for a while – I didn’t ask, he just picked him up. He started fussing and Marcie took him to be changed and fixed him a bottle.

It was a wonderful day and everyone seemed so relaxed and happy. Tom wanted to walk me up to the cabin but I didn’t want him to make the walk up the hill with his cane. We did agree that he would pick me up the next day since he didn’t have work for the holiday. When he left he looked a little confused, like he didn’t know whether to shake my hand or kiss me, so I reached up and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. He looked a little embarrassed since Aunt Mary was standing there and he grabbed Annie and left in his work truck.

I picked up Billy and walked up to the cabin, feeling warm in spite of a chilly wind. I lay awake for a long time thinking about how I had changed since I finished high school. I had been so shy but now I had no problem about speaking out to Tom. I smiled when I thought what I told him about how much I liked him. Maybe it was a little white lie because I liked him a lot more than I had said. I fell asleep remembering something Betty had said once, “A girl has to have some secrets!”

I had pleasant dreams but couldn’t remember what they were when I woke up. It was that I had this sense of peace and for the first time in my life was really liking myself and who I was. The only cloud on the horizon was my knowing that I had to tell Tom about Cancun. I knew he would never ask but if there was any future for us I wanted to start with honesty.

The next morning Tom came a little after nine. I walked out by myself and Tom asked, “Where is Billy?”

“I asked Marcie to watch him for today. Is that okay?”

With a smile, he answered, “No, actually it isn’t! Annie was looking forward to see him. She loves babies. Now please go back and get your son.”

“Okay, but I warn you, it will take twenty minutes to get him ready.”

“No problem. I will have a cup of coffee inside with Sean while I wait.”

I got Billy ready in a lot less than twenty minutes. Tom drove us to his ranch and told me about it on the way.

“The ranch has been in the Lane family since right after the civil war. We have 1600 acres, some in the valley floor but most of it up two creeks on either side of a hill. It’s been a working ranch all the time. I currently run about 100 head of cattle and have a dozen horses. We also do about two hundred acres of hay every year. We have a small fruit orchard and a decent garden.

“The income from the ranch pays taxes, wages and upkeep. I don’t make any money but it lets me hold on to it and keep it in good shape.

“I have a manager, Tim, and two hands. Tim’s wife, Sherry, helps around the house and takes care of Annie when I have to travel. It works out pretty well. There are two cabins beside the main house. Tim & Sherry live in the larger and Jerry, the older hand lives in the other. Phil is married and lives a couple miles short of the interstate with their two kids.”

We turned off the highway onto a gravel road that had a couple of turnoffs and ended at a gate. Tom told me this was the start of his property as he got out to open the gate. He pulled up and got out to close the gate again. We drove a couple of miles and went over a small hill and a large two story stone house stood in front of us surrounded by a grove of trees.

Tom nodded at the house, “It’s really way too big but the upstairs is mostly closed off. It would take a house full of kids to make it worth while to open it all up again.”

He laughed at that, but it made me think … a lot!

As we drove in the yard a couple of dogs were jumping up and down and a flock of chickens were scattering in front of us. The hands had the day off but two guys came out the door.

We walked to the porch with Tom carrying Billy and Annie holding my hand. Tom told me that he still had Annie’s stroller and crib from when she was younger.

Tom did the introductions with Tim and Jerry and took me into the kitchen to meet Sherry. She was a large ruddy woman and from the wonderful smells was clearly at home in a kitchen. The yeasty aroma of baking bread was competing with that of apple pie. A large roast was on the counter awaiting the carving knife. She gave me a big hug and fussed over Billy.

Dinner was as good as it looked and it was nice to sit at the large kitchen table with everyone. There was lots of laughter, way too much hearty country food and a sense of being a family. Billy was asleep and Annie was fading fast.

The guys sat around and talked about the ranch and I helped Sherry clean up. We talked - as women in the kitchen were wont to do – and got to know each other. She told me how hard it was on Tom when Sara Jane died.

“That man just kept walking up that hill to the big sad willow tree and come back looking so sad himself … “

Sherry went quiet for a moment and said a little more brightly, “That Billy is sure going to be a handsome boy! His father must have been some kind of a good looking man!”

At that I broke into tears, leaning on the counter, my shoulders shaking and the salty drops splashing on the counter.

She put her arm around me and whispered, “I’m sorry, child. I didn’t know. Go ahead and cry and get it out of your system.”

After a bit, my crying subsided and I wiped my face off with the dishtowel I had been drying dishes with.

“That’s okay, Sherry. I thought I was over everything but I guess I’m not. I’d better get Billy and have Tom take me back to my cabin. Thank you for the wonderful meal! You are such a good cook.”

We went in the living room and I asked Tom if he could take me home. He looked a little puzzled but didn’t say anything. We got Billy into the car seat on the rear bench seat of the big four-door truck.

We rode in silence for a few miles, and then Tom asked, “Is everything okay, Kathy?”

His voice had a hurt tone to it – like he had done something wrong – and I had to smile at him. “I’m fine, Tom, really. And no, you haven’t done anything wrong. Sherry said something that upset me … no it wasn’t anything she did on purpose. It’s just that, well, Tom, you told me quite a lot about yourself and I haven’t told you anything about me. You haven’t asked about Billy and why I’m here and … and about everything.

“I want to tell you, no - Tom, I have to tell you- what happened to me. Give me a couple of weeks and I’ll tell you my awful story. I’m okay now; it’s just that Sherry said something that triggered a bad memory.” I reached over and took his hand. “Okay, Tom?”

Tom looked over at me with a smile and squeezed my hand. The rest of the drive was spent in a nice warm silence.

It was a quiet time at the Bar None. There were a few people on weekends, mostly cross country skiers and a few people that just wanted to get away. I saw Tom a couple of times but never long enough to have the discussion I wanted to have with him.

I was having strong feelings for him and I would have thought that being with a man would make me nervous. But when I would lie in bed at night and think of Tom, I would feel all dreamy in a sleepy kind of way. I would wonder what it would be like with him … silly thoughts like what a child of ours would look like.

At the same time though, I didn’t feel in any particular rush. I was sure Tom felt the same as I did but I wanted it to be right – and forever. I wanted both of us to be absolutely sure. If it didn’t last, I knew it would have a terrible impact, not just on us, but on Annie and Billy and any kids we might have. I remembered about Annie asking if I was going to be her mother – the thought gave me a warm feeling in my heart. She was such an adorable little girl.

Tom was planning on having Billy and I over for Christmas Day but we were snowed in by a big blizzard. It was three days before we could get out and Tom called and said it was a week for him. I didn’t have a phone in the cabin so I had to go down to the lodge when Tom called. Finally Tom was able to pick up Billy and I and with Annie we went into Coeur D’Alene for lunch. It was a family restaurant – run by a family and family oriented food. I had a hot roast beef sandwich and it was great.

We didn’t talk about anything serious, just getting to know each other. Billy was asleep and Annie wanted to sit next to him. We were having apple pie for dessert and Annie was playing with Billy now that he was awake. He was laughing and seemed happy.

Annie looked at Billy and then at us, looking serious, asked, “Is Billy coming home with us?”

I wasn’t sure what to answer but Tom told her, “Why don’t we invite Kathy and Billy over for dinner next Sunday?”

He looked at me, a question in his eyes.

“Sure Annie, we can do that – it will be fun. Maybe I can bring Marcie along and she can play with both of you. Does that sound like fun?”

She nodded and we finished our dinner. Annie was asleep when Tom let us off so I grabbed Billy and ran in; it was cold and starting to rain.

I finally got the nerve to call Tom the next night and thank him for lunch. He reminded me about the next Sunday and I said it was fine.

“Marcie is coming with us, if that’s okay. She can baby sit and we can have some adult conversation.”

He laughed at that; “I’ll pick you up early then, around nine. Does that work for you?”

We talked a few more minutes and when he rang off I could hear the smile in his voice. With a smile of my own, I rescued Billy from Marcie and went up to the cabin.

Wednesday of that week Betty called me, sounding excited.

“Kath! You are the first one I’m telling. Terry popped the question and I said yes. We are getting married in June.”

We chatted about it for a bit, caught up on mutual friends - then she sounded more serious.

“Kathy, would you like to come? I’d really like you to be my maid of honor.”

“Oh, Betty! I don’t know. I’d like to, a lot, but … well I’m not ready yet. I got upset at something someone said the other day and seeing all of our old friends, with them knowing I have a baby, I’d feel funny.”

I went on to tell her what Sherry had said and how I had reacted. I felt bad but I think she really did understand.

The rain lasted a couple of days, washing away most of the snow, then it turned unseasonably warm. Sunday arrived with a warm breeze and except for the mud it was a glorious day. Marcie did go with us. When we got to the ranch it turned out Tim and Sherry had gone over to Spokane for the day to visit her family. After negotiating, I agreed to fry a chicken and make mashed potatoes and gravy. I found a mincemeat pie that Sherry had made and left us for dessert. It turned out to be a nice dinner with Marcie adult enough to participate in our conversation.

Annie and Billy went down for a nap and Marcie found a book to read. Tom and I walked up to the top of the knoll – he said it was the best view of the ranch. He showed me the graveyard, telling me some about his ancestors. He lingered over his wife’s marker and I got a little teary eyed reading the words on it.

We stood there looking down at the ranch and Tom put his arm around me. I felt funny when he did that; I don’t know what it was, but then it felt right. We stood there, neither of us talking; then I stood on my toes and kissed him on the cheek. He looked startled for a second but not giving him time to think I took his hand and we slogged down the muddy trail. Tom helped me off with the galoshes he had found for me and we went in the kitchen for coffee.

I reminded him of the deal we had made - I would fix dinner and he would clean up. He laughed and jumped right to the task. I let him get started but relented and helped him out. We sat over another cup of coffee and talked a little of nothing, a little of everything.

“Kathy, there is a dance at the Grange Hall Saturday night. Would you like to go? Do you like to dance?”

I felt a moment of panic, a flash of the last time I went dancing freezing my heart, but looking at Tom’s kind face I felt something give in me – a kind of release.

“Yes, Tom, I’d like that. Do I dress in any sort of way?”

Laughing, he said, “Just tell your aunt to make you look like a cowgirl! She will fix you up.”

Later he took us home. While Marci carried Billy up to the cabin, I chatted with Tom for a bit. Annie was sound asleep in the back. This time I got my arms around his neck and the kiss landed on his lips. I’m sure it didn’t knock his socks off but he drove away with a big smile on his face. But the one on mine was bigger!

Saturday came and Tom clearly admired my new cowboy boots and tight jeans. Well, I think it was the boots he was admiring! I had a colorful western blouse and a cute Stetson to complete my transformation from a Valley Girl to a cowgirl.

With Annie and Billy safely with Marcie (and Aunt Mary) we went to the dance. Tim and Sherry were meeting us there and had a table close to the band and to the dance floor. Tim asked what I wanted to drink and I firmly told him a soda. Tom asked for the same with a smile but wanted it to be diet. I’m sure he was dying for a cold beer so I really appreciated his understanding.

The music and dancing was completely different from anything I’d ever known before. I was learning line dancing – some crazy song called “Cotton-Eyed Joe” – and the two-step. I liked the music best for the Western Swing dances … and could even dance them. But the two-step was the most fun.

I did have a bad moment. I had gone to the rest room and was walking back by the end of the bar. A guy stood up – staggering a little – and stood in front of me; staring as at an apparition. Suddenly Tom appeared from nowhere and put his arm around the guy.

“Hey, Ken! It’s good to see you. This is my girl, Kathy. Kathy, this guy poaches trout faster than I can write him tickets! Ken, I’d like to buy you a beer.”

He turned Ken back to the bar and put a five on the counter. Taking my hand, he led me back to the dance floor. They were playing a sad waltz – “I Can’t Stop Loving You” I think it was. Tom pulled me a little closer and said,

“Ken’s harmless. If you had spoken to him, he probably would have run away. He’s very shy – just had a beer too many.”

We danced quietly for a bit – I was feeling, I don’t know, kind of secure in Tom’s arms and maybe half sleepy half dreamy. Looking up at him I whispered,

“Am I?”

He looked puzzled.

“You told Ken I was your girl. Am I?”

“Kathy … yes, you are my girl! The thing is,” here he looked away, “The thing is, am I your guy?”

I gave him a big hug, “What do you think?”

I didn’t want to make it too easy for him.

The dance was winding down and we said our goodbyes to Tim and Sherry.

Sherry threw her arms around me and said, “We have to do this again. Wasn’t it fun!”

We all agreed that it was and Tom took me out to the truck. It was a clear cold night with a full moon. The road back to the ranch was lonely and lovely and maybe a little mysterious. Tom stopped on a small rise on the ranch road into the Bar None and we looked down at the ranch in the evening quiet. Tom took my hand and we sat looking at bright moon shining though the large trees.

I sidled over to him and slid under his arm. Raising my face I told Tom, “Yes, you are my guy!”

He looked at me in silence then leaned over and kissed me, somewhat chastely. Leaning back a question in his eyes, he kissed me again with more passion. We sat there until it got cold in the cab of the truck, talking a little, kissing a lot. I felt safe in his arms.

Later, lying in bed, I knew I loved him and I wanted more than kisses from him. I knew he loved me – I guess a girl knows those things.

Finally, in the first warmth of spring, we walked up the hill to the knoll at his ranch. He had built a bench under the willow and we sat in quiet for a while, enjoying the sun. The big tree was coming out of its winter hiatus and bright new leaves were showing off before the dark, dowdy old leaves. The golden yellow stems of the new shoots added a tinge of brightness and hope.

Holding Tom’s hand I told him the story, my awful story. I showed him the scar on my wrist and he kissed it and blessed my scar with his tears. When I finished he wrapped his long arms around me and I cried with release.

Tom took my face in his hands and wiped my tears with his thumbs. He kissed me gently, and said,

“Kathy, you said a few weeks ago that you had made a mistake. Darling, you didn’t do anything wrong! How could you know that there were people, predators like that around? I hear your story and think of Annie. All I know as a father is to protect her, teach her and hope she finds wisdom and judgment.”

I felt the last of the ugliness slip away from my heart and I knew that I was finally healed.

Two weeks later Tom and I - along with Annie and Billy – had finished lunch and were enjoying a cup of coffee. Tom had a sack with him and he reached in and pulled out a package. I carefully unwrapped it and found an old cigar box. I opened it carefully and pulled out an object wrapped in a silk handkerchief.

I unwound the silk and saw a beautiful bag. It was made of finely woven cornhusks decorated with wool in colors of red, blue, purple and orange. The wool was woven with outlined triangles in each corner and a smaller triangle centered between each of the four corner boxes. It had two handles made of leather strips.

Tom had told me the story of the ration card bag and I looked askance at him.

“Yes, that’s the same bag. She would have wanted you to have it. Go ahead and look inside – the contents are different.”

I opened the bag and found a lovely engagement ring. Tom reached over and put it on my finger. Taking both of my hands, he looked at me with a smoky look in his eyes, “Kathy, will you marry me? I love you and want to be with you forever, I want to make you happy, I want to take care of Billy.”

We stood up and I slipped into his arms, “Yes, Tom! I know you love me and all my love is yours.”

Suddenly the restaurant erupted in clapping as everyone stood up. We had forgotten where we were! We sat down in embarrassment but with big smiles on our faces.

~~~~~~

I sit sometimes on the porch of our ranch house looking at the big weeping willow on the hill. I know that life is a circle and one day Tom and I would be up there, together as we are here in the ranch house. I find comfort in that, knowing that love doesn’t end. I’ve found a happiness and satisfaction with my life that far outshines any girlish dreams I had back in California. My life is complete, living here with my love, Tom, with Annie and Billy, and with the twins, Jamie and Jennifer.

SWIMMING WITH SHARKS

“If anyone should cause one of these little ones … to stumble and sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a great millstone around his neck.”
- Mark 9:42

Klaus looked at the young girl. She was nineteen and from Canada. She was of medium build with long flowing red hair and a slim build. He got a special kick from taking a girl’s virginity. This one he got with a date rape drug in a Kingston disco. This was one of his easiest – a target of opportunity – no planning, instant success.

He was at an old flour mill in the hills above town. The mill was dilapidated but Arturo Mendoza had hired an old man to keep the small miller’s cabin in decent shape. It was one large room with a rudimentary kitchen and a well stocked bar. There were several large tables for meetings, card playing, etc. Arturo used the place to stash his men as necessary when things got too hot.

Looking at the girl, there was something about her that reminded him of that girl Kathy from California that escaped a while back. Arturo wasn’t very happy about that! Ricard and Benny had been in a Mexican jail and had given up several of Arturo’s men before Arturo had them silenced. That had scared the hell out of Klaus for a few months.

Looking at the girl again he realized he had half fallen in love with Kathy. Maybe he should have played it straight and got out of this dirty game. Shaking his head a little to get the morbid thoughts out, he started unbuttoning his shirt, slowly walking towards the bed as he did. The soft sound of a step at the open door froze him and he slowly turned to meet the hard brown eyes of Arturo.

After a long silence, Arturo started softly talking, “Klaus, did I ever tell you that I have a business associate that stays in contact with the Cancun police department? No? It is useful sometimes to share an interesting tidbit of information with the opposition.

“I market these films that we make as authentic. That means if I say a girl is a virgin … then she is! Do you know what would happen to me if it came out that some of the girls weren’t virgins? It would be best if I just showed you.

“I assume you know what a millstone is – there are so many of them at working mills in your native Germany. You take two large flat stones and grind something between them. Fascinating, no? Unfortunately the millstones at this place have long ago broken into pieces but we might be able to find a couple of large chunks for our purposes.”

Turning to one of the three men with him, Arturo told him, “Take the girl and turn her loose in town, in a back alley. Jamaica is supposed to be a safe haven – we do not shit in our own nest!”

He waved to the other to men to take Klaus.

“Klaus, there is another meaning for millstone? Do you know it? No? For shame, it is such a useful word. It means a burden, a heavy burden. Klaus, you have become a millstone to me – a burden heavier than I am willing to bear.”

With another wave, the two men dragged Klaus to one of the cars parked outside the cabin. Arturo drove off and the other two men drove Klaus to a remote marina. A boat was waiting, engines warm, ready to cast off. Throwing him onto the boat they jumped in after him and cast off the lines. The captain took the fast boat about ten miles offshore and slowed the engine to idle.

The larger of the two stepped in front of Klaus. “Hey buddy, I guess it don’t pay to piss off Arturo, huh? He told me to ask you something. Did you ever see that great Kevin Spacey movie, “Swimming with Sharks?” With that he started laughing manically as Klaus felt the warm urine flow down his leg.

The two thugs of Arturo’s had been busy. They had chains attached to two large chunks of the broken millstone from the mill. Each chunk weighed about one hundred pounds. They fastened another chain around Klaus’ neck and wired the chains together. They lifted the heavy stones to the platform with Klaus having to follow. Pushing the stones off the boat into the sea, they caused him in a manner of speaking, to “ … be thrown into the sea with a great millstone around his neck.”

Standing on the boat waiting for the end, watching several dark fins wandering through the heavy sea in meandering circles, a terrorized Klaus could only think of a randomly remembered quote from Robert Browning, a line from his “On a Toccata of Galuppi’s”:

“ … what was left of soul, I wonder, when the kissing had to stop.”