"The Rancher" Written collaboratively on Facebook, by Facebook.

The Sun was beating down on Ray, a rancher, in the middle of a mid-August day. He longed for water to soothe his seared tongue, but the walk home was still miles in front of him.

But thankfully, the snow cone cart wasn’t.

He bought one, cherry, for now and another for the road. But, unfortunately, he dropped his snow cone. Angry and adrenaline pumping, he picked up the snow cone salesman and threw him. He threw him farther than he thought he could, into the middle of a field. The grass in the field was so tall that he could not see where the snow cone man landed. So he decided to go look for him with his trusty cat companion, Bloodthirst.

What many people may not know is that Bloodthirst got his name because of his insatiable thirst for blood. Not just any blood, but that of a snow cone salesman…and goats.

As Bloodthirst ran after the snow cone salesman, to Ray’s bewilderment, fell into an empty space in the ground. So, Ray walked over to his mysterious empty space, as it was the most logical thing for him to do. He peered into the empty space below desperately searching for his beloved Bloodthirst. Much to his dismay, the pit appeared to be bottomless.

He picked up a nearby cat and threw it into the pit to determine if it was, indeed bottomless. Despite all science and logic, it was, in fact, without a bottom. So Ray has now lost his best friend, Bloodthirst, and is unsure of what to do. So, after thinking things through, he did the only thing he could do…jump in after him.

Great walls of stone surrounded him and rushed by his face as he fell. For three whole days he fell, until the bottomless hole finally reached the bottom and landed in a magical distant far off place. Now, Ray was not a stupid man, but he chose not to question how he mysteriously survived a three day fall and crash landing, and he began to explore.

He was ravenous and searched for anything that appeared edible. To his despair, there were no snow cones but only a single pan of mystery meat from what can only be assumed was a high school cafeteria. Satisfied with his findings, he ate the mystery meat. While it was tangy and livery, he was left feeling unsatisfied. Yet, now that his hunger subsided, he could finally absorb his foreign surroundings.

Looking up he saw nothing but darkness, the pit too deep, but around him were millions of iridescent pools of viscous liquid. Because iridescence is often a sign of health and life, he went to the nearest pool and submerged himself with it. Full of health and life, he finally remembered why he was down there: To find his cat, Bloodthirst.

The distinct smell of the cat’s anal glands had subsided, leaving him completely at a loss for how to track it. He set out on his mission, walking east towards California. He wondered how to find California, however, realizing he was still stuck in the improbably deep hole he had jumped into. He knew that this was the way to find Bloodthirst, however he was beginning to think that the hole was in fact and obstacle in his ultimate journey to reach California. Fortunately, Ray had his pocket-sized zeppelin, which he could use to traverse to the vast unknown. He figured that since it took three days of falling at terminal velocity to reach the bottom, it would take too long for the slow-moving zeppelin to simply float to the top and making his journey to California conveniently simple.
Unfortunately, his dirigible was filled with hydrogen, so he felt it best to not use it in this unknown, and possibly dangerous, environment.
So, as he waited he decided he would play some solitaire on his way up. He was able to win two games of solitaire as he, going against his better judgment, waited for the zeppelin to fill up with hydrogen.

Thankfully, over the course of his trip, a small bluebird landed inside his zeppelin. He named it Butler and it became his pet and companion for the ride upwards. Around three quarters of his way up, be decided he was hungry, but he wasn’t sure what he might be able to make. So, he opened the mini-fridge that graced his mini-zeppelin, and pulled out a Go-gurt and some M&M minis. To his dismay, the M&M minis were all blue (his least favorite color) but he ate them anyway. After eating the blue M&M’s he remembered why he didn’t like them. The blue M&M’s gave him tummy aches, and he was not very sick.

Yet, being not a woman, he was able to press on with the stomach pains and continue his journey to California.

Though, his pangs of hunger reminded him of his time in ‘nam. Ray often forgot he was Vietnamese, but then again Ray forgot most things. Since the accident Ray couldn’t remember much. As a matter of fact, Ray could hardly remember there had been an accident.

As he thought of all he couldn’t remember, the balloon finally reached the top of the hole he said he wasn’t going to float out of….and when he finally looked around he saw a goat he could eat! As he ran towards the goat, something pounced out of the grass and got to it before he could. It was a rabid snow cone salesman; somehow he made it to the top before Ray. Ray, completely exasperated, was preparing to take down both the goat and the salesman. But he swiftly noticed the salesman had left his snow cone cart. He picked it up and floated away as the snow cone salesman realized he had no tools to kill, skin, or eat the goat.

But as he floated away, he remembered that Bloothirst couldn’t resist the blood of goats.
Soon there was a red mist filling the sky as Bloodthirst tore into the goat. Ray was faintly aware of the screams, the certain scream of a snow cone salesman in pain. Ray thinks back and he is glad he took that “Dying Screams of Different Street Vendors” class.

But now he had a different dilemma: He was too high to let go of the cart, so he watched Bloodthirst escape his grasp once again. He now knew if he ever wanted to find Bloodthirst, he’s going to have to track down the snow cone salesman (who also got away), kill him, and hope Bloodthirst will smell his blood. “Oh Bloodthirst, where art thou?” He thought as he came up with this excessive plan. Then, he was struck with pangs of thirst, he may have just eaten but it had been nearly 7 days since he last satiated the subconscious thirst he retained. He then realized that the only way he’d be able to get any liquids, was if he was able to reach California.

Cocaine and hookers were cast aside from his rocket-fueled path as he traveled onward. So he connected with his inner McGyver and created a rocket engine out of a toothpick, some string, and duck tape. He was well on his way to California now.

After flying for what seemed like forever, he finally reached California, land of hippies and liberal bullshit.

The acid was just starting to fade away. “I don’t feel any effects of acid anymore” explained Ray. A man walking by gave him a weird look, wondering who Ray was talking to. Turns out, he was just talking to himself. Ray decided he didn’t really care what other people thought, even though he was dressed up like a chicken at this point. Although he didn’t know it, Ray had early Alzheimer’s disease, and frequently spoke to himself and his dog, both of whom he mistook for his mother.
Ray reached into his pocket and pulled out a memo, squinted under the blistering Californian sun and read aloud, “1. Buy grapes… 2. Buy tacky cowboy belt buckle…. 3. FIND BLOODTHIRST…” So, Ray headed over to the nearest Key Markets store and bought some grapes. The grapes were soft and tender, like a former lover’s skin.

Unfortunately, Ray hated soft grapes, and really most things soft, so he promptly threw them away. They also remind him that his former lover was now dead of AIDS, a disease which Ray had picked up along the way.

After thinking about dead exes and soft grapes, Ray remembered he had to buy grapes, so he went to go find a fruit vendor on the street to buy grapes. As a sassy gay man with a flair for fashion, Ray picked up the belt buckle and rubbed it in his hands, all while summoning the belt genie. After the belt genie cleared up the grape confusion for Ray (as he forgot he already bought grapes, and was now hallucinating that he had more) he offered Ray 2 ½ wishes. Ray, with his amazing ability to neglect responsibility for his cat, didn’t think to wish for his cat back. So, not understanding how one could make half a wish, Ray did the next best thing and wished for another Genie.

Ray never read the stories of “One Thousand and One Nights,” resulting in his lack of knowledge into the dastardly ways of genies. This resulted in Ray receiving the upper half of a second genie, which was seriously disappointing, as he preferred the lower half. An elementary education of the “Fairly Odd Parents” episodes with Norm, the Genie, would have prevented this. Ray, being a rancher, had no access to a television and knew not of “Fairly Odd Parents,” but instead he knew his love for spinach in a can. He therefore used his next wish not for his final task of finding Bloodthirst, but rather on a can of spinach.
Thankfully, Genies smell just like the blood of snow cone salesmen….Bloodthirst’s favorite! So, Ray asked the genie to accompany him on his journey to find bloodthirst. The smell of blood and snow cone had attracted Bloodthirst to the scene and the search had ended before it had begun!

Ray forgot about Bloodthirst and the genie….
This may have seemed odd, as they were both right there, but in truth this was nothing new to Ray. Then, looking to his can of spinach, Ray remembered one thing an old gypsy woman had told him,: “When a can of spinach in hand you have, look left and right and you’ll find your prize in sight!” Because he was sensible and trusted all old gypsy fables, Ray turned his head to the left, then to the right in order to find his prize.
Much to his surprise, to his right he found Bloodthirst fang deep in the neck of the second genie he had wished for and the first genie lying in the fetal position crying out in terror.
This was quite a prize indeed!

It was so much of a surprise, his AIDS, Alzheimer’s, and any other disease that hasn’t been of his knowledge was cured as he was reunited with his long lost Bloodthirst! Leaving the fetal genie behind, Bloodthirst and Ray disappeared into the distance, only to find themselves suffering from a desire for snowcones and exploration of three day deep pits. Luckily, Ray now remembers where to find both these things. And, as with all adventures, will continue to explore rabid snow cone salesmen and giant pits, with his beloved cat Bloodthirst, for years to come.

The. End.