Bread on the Waters

Ephraim Lightwater
B17 Montevista
Coin
Spain umbung2@yahoo.co.uk

Syneham & Dunholme Literary Agents
Cashew Building
Bent Street
London WC1 2ED

Dear underpaid drudge in the office,

Unpublished. There, saved you reading any further – although I am surprised the green ink on the envelope hasn’t put you off already. What? Still reading? Stella and Humphrey out with a client? Footballer wants to write his own book? No, of course not. In any event, I wonder what your alternative task is, if you are still reading this? Filing? Pressing f7 on the keyboard for the rejection macro to answer another 500 letters like this one? I do hope you have one of those sponges they used to have on the Post Office counter, I couldn’t bear to lick so many envelopes.

Ah well, to business, to horse, to get to the point. Enclosed is my manuscript. Ahh, that stopped you, didn’t it? I’ve a confession to make. I’ve stopped putting them in. Saves on the postage, do you see? In any case, would anyone have read it, after all? Think of it as a way of streamlining the whole process: eco-friendly too! No waste of paper. What do you do with them? I picture them under the legs of a wonky desk (probably yours, rather than Stella’s or Humphrey’s). Or do you recycle? Ironic really.Since that’s what I do with my manuscripts rather than send them. No, not recycle. I don’t buy toilet tissue any longer. My little bit for the planet.

Well, dear Drudge, that’s it for now. Good luck with the novel you’re sure to have in the desk drawer, just waiting for the moment to pitch it to Stella or Humphrey. Thank you for your attention. I do hope you will use the enclosed SAE (compulsory according to your submission instructions) to reply. I shall peruse your reply minutely for the dead hand of the computer macro.

Unpublishably Yours
Ephraim Lightwater