Pilgrims 6 : Mrs Baño

Mrs Baño

There’s a silence on the bus,
Barry’s pretty much dumbfounded us.
At least except for Mrs Baño: Alyssa
Baño, aka Conchita, Fernanda or Maria B
and a dozen other noms-de-lit.

‘Yeah, yeah I married rich
and I married poor;
from husbands numbers 3 and 4
I got more money than Ivana Trump
-but listen- numbers 1 and 2
mended my shoes with epoxy glue.
And as for husband number 5
I’d kill him again - he was still alive.

See handsome is as handsome earns -
no matter how the tushy burns
for some or other cinder-poor stud:
‘sides you can tell the husband any crud
long as you lead his pencil
when you can.

A doctor, a dentist, a business man
a bus driver and a longshoreman;
three for money and two for love
and I give thanks to the lord above,
He showed me the needle eye for
those camels.

Good book says we should get wed:
you can marry more ‘n once I reckon -
good enough for Jacob and Abraham.
If they could do it, I guess I can.

Well, you all heard I been in movies,
I got a story ‘bout that stuff
- might learn somethin’ if ya listen enough.

Mrs Baño’s Story

Seltzer over at Tantamount,
demands a meeting with Harry Blount,
biggest draw of 1941
about some extra-contract fun.

Seems there’s a flicker doin’ the rounds:
Blount is nekkid: makin’ woof-woof sounds;
Seltzer’s worried about the tabloid hounds,
he’ll terminate his contract on morality grounds.

Norma Bleeker is Seltzer’s wife,
had a thing for Harry most of his life.
At the studio that is, so Norma says
‘look, let's make the palooka change his ways.’

The plan that Norma then proposes
is Blount don’t work, the studio closes
for him. That’s Ok, but Seltzer supposes
there’s more to it than she discloses.

And there is see, Norma wants Harry
to go find why a woman would marry
- from the girls in the porno-movie game -
and give what women want a name.

She tells him Harry you gotta night
to get this question answered right
or the bum’s rush.

They don’t shoot this stuff in Hollywood
too many cops and the light ain’t good.
So Harry heads for SoCal and so he should
ends up on the set of Rubbin Wood.

Dahlia Blue from Iowa has a starring role,
Made Marian dances around the Maybe Pole.
Harry says: What you women want exactly?
Dahlia allows it’s electric, crackly

when you see a guy and your insides melt
and before you know it you’re tuggin’ his belt.
And a million dollars would be nice,
and a share portfolio ‘fore I look at ‘em twice.

Harry finds this a contradiction
and it ain’t the stuff of dime-store fiction
he knows some women got a predilection
for a guy spends money with some conviction.

‘But Dahlia, hell, what about love?’
‘We’ll leave that to the Lord above,
down here it’s about dollars and sense
a gal with a scarecrow needs recompense.

‘And if she needs her violin stringing
there’s always a postman ringing
twice. They ain’t no point bringing
this to the husband - keep singing

hallelujah for marriage, key to the world
for every single wrong-side girl
when she leaps the track for that first time.’
She takes some breath and a gin and lime.

Harry says thanks I think
Dahlia gives him a cartoon wink
and it’s goodbye.

Out at some place called Zebedee or Xanadu
something called Citizen Pain is being shot
Lilah Lash is showin’ what some folks do
for fun at parties on RJO’s back lot.

Lilah says ‘It’s damn simple, almost dumb
man loves woman she makes him come
woman loves man who’s under her thumb
if he’s got enough money she’ll give him some.’

Greta Garment is the girl interest
wears man-pants and a paisley vest
‘Vot you sink a voman need?
No men understand until zey bleed.’

Harry is just plain confused,
heads for a bar to get some booze
he’s gonna get drunk there’s nothing to lose
in a bar where the girls wear feathers and shoes.

Judy sings a song while looking glum,
what d’ya expect from Ethel Gumm?
Harry asks Ethel, 'Love? Whadda ya know?'
She says it’s somewhere over the rainbow.

Harry somewhat less than impressed
sits down at a table and gets hostessed
by Evie Klatzenbacher half-undressed.
She’s got something else to get off her chest.

‘I wanna man to look after me
and not after girls as they walk by
I wanna man for the company
to hold me close if I should cry.’

Harry don’t know what to think
and heads for the men’s room and a sink
to throw up in.

Out at a SoCal religious retreat
The followers of Jesse Rod
Get their clothes off just to meet
and worship some or other God.

They’s two dozen naked women dancin’ round:
watchin and makin’ a gruntin sound
fully clothed men lie on the ground.
so they won’t be arrested if their hideout’s found.

Yeah suddenly the screamin’ siren blares
and the bunny-girls run like hares
the men are up and Harry’s alone,
except for a wrinkled, twisted crone.

After they’re finally freed from the cops,
who’ve gone back to check on the poon-tang shops
Harry decides that his searchin’ stops.
He’s goddamn sick of bustin his chops.

Lady tell me do you know
what women wants, cause if so
tell me now for goodness sake
I’m so damn tired my fingernails ache.

I’ll tell ya handsome but you best
agree now to my later request
promise now hand on yer chest
or you could end up under arrest.

Harry takes the witch in hand
they go see Norma at the Wilshire Grand
to get breakfast.

‘Well, Harry what did you find?
The inner workings of the female mind?’
‘Of love and romance not a drop,
a woman wants to be on top.’

40’s old in Hollywood
the witch should leave, she really should
‘Listen Harry, I did good
I gave ya the answer like I said I would.’

Now you give me what I desire
Harry Blount I’ll be your wife
I can be hot as Hades fire
or as cold as Schattapezzi’s Knife

Harry says ‘hell I dunno
do whatever ya want,’ and so
Gilda Whatshername
lists the options in the game.

Hot is flighty, cold is not.
I’ll make the choice if you cannot.
I know a surgeon on Columbia’s lot
I’ll take the knife and turn out hot.

F’ all I know they could be happy,
and maybe this movie just ends, sappy
ever after.