Chapter Nine: Ella

Ben seemed weird. Ever since he had gotten back from dropping off that dead animal at Animal Safety Shelter.. He didn't say one word to me when he got back. He kinda just sulked in a dry way. Like mentally his train of thought and emotions were checked out temporarily or something. Also, he was robotic barely smiling as he checked out customers.
I tried speaking to him, more than once but he just shrugged me off and looked the other way.
"Ben!" I had said in stern voice, but nothing.
When his shift ended he just left, didn't say bye. It kind of tore me up inside a little. Did he find someone else? Was I not enough? Is she prettier and skinnier than I am? Whatever was wrong with him it really was effecting my well-being and self-esteem.
"Ben, this is my fourth voicemail, UGH!" I hung up throwing the phone on my bed. I knew he was awake I could see his bedroom light on. I was throwing my phone in the air above me as I layed down. By the sixth call, Hope, his sister answered.
"Ben? Oh hey Hope, where's Ben?" Her voice was smaller than usual I could tell she was a little tired.
"Ella, he left, he just left." She seemed kind of ashamed to be telling me.
"What's wrong with him? Is he okay?" She sighed. I was anxiously fidgeting with my nails.
"I don't know he stormed in, went to his room didn't come out for a good while. Theresa asked him if he was hungry, but he didn't answer her. So, Mark went in his room to talk to him but got nothing out of him. Before we knew it he was out the door and down the block." I was now looking out my window, searching the sidwalks.
"Is he gonna come back?" She sighed once more.
"Yeah, eventually. He's done this before."
"He's done this before?"
"Yeah he will be back. Gotta go, Ella."
"Thanks okay." We both hung up.
I didn't bother looking for him, or even calling him for that matter. Even though when I saw him stalking home I knew he was troubled still. I was too tyed up at home the next couple of days. They were the only days I was off for the next couple of weeks.. so I made the most of them.
Kenzy was dressing odd now her attitude was even more angrier than usual. Her face was plain, she'd been skipping softball practices and leaving school.. her clothes were Black or just dark. She was always defensive about Stew. She was turning more evil by the second.
Stew picked her up and dropped her off. Idled in the driveway in his car til she came to talk to him. Or sometimes he would come in and not say a word just, "yepp, sure, not really." Then they would just leave. He was an odd character and I didn't trust him. If Kenzy hated me or not, I still could see danger walking her way. My parent's ofcourse oblivious just thinking that it was a normal teenage rebelious stage.. However, I don't recall acting like a crazed caged animal. Liam was still gone. Hope still came over usually to just gossip about people in her school, or Jake her new love interest. She was turning into a replacement-Kenzy Lo she kind of brightened my day everytime I saw her. Ben didn't talk to me, or any of his family members. My mom was always gone with Priscilla and I thought about Ana almost every second. I still dreamt of her, I still dreamt of finding her, but it was weird and a little scary.. instead of usually finding Ana I was finding Kenzy.. and that made me wonder if fate was warning me..
Dr. Jaysey was always reminding me that, "Love always lives on." That it was okay to cry, and it was okay too talk about her. That one day Kenzy would forgive me, for what ever she held against me. That I wasn't alone. He was strange, yes, but wise and a good listener and I honored that fact.
Monday afternoon I was at work along with a couple of new employees and Ben. Things had grown awkward between us and I thought that maybe he hated me. Or resented the fact he kissed me and that I wasn't everything he dreamed of.
I was reading a magazine and sitting on one of the dog beds in the "Luxury" section of the store, when I heard him.
"Ella, may I speak with you?" I could see he was standing right in front of me, holding his keys in his hand.
"I'm busy." I didn't look up.
"Ella, please you're on break." I rolled my eyes.
"Fine, what Ben? Are you done ignoring me now-"
"I'm sorry I had to seperate myself from-" He seemed a little angry I cut him off.
"Me?" I could feel my throat swelling up.
"No, not necessarily." He was peering down at his feet.
"Okay?" I began to stand up from where I was tring to listen because one of the new employees was eavesdropping or trying to atlease, and I hated that. So we went to the breakroom.
"Ella, you're amazing and i'm sorry that I went AWOL, and i'm sorry I didn't call you back and i'm sorry-" All I could think about was this is when he tells me that I am not what he is looking for, or that I was too clingy.
"Ben, don't apologize. I thought we had something going, but wishful thinking gets me no where. it's my fault for assuming-"
"Ella, would you shut up." His outburst shocked me. He was staring at me now, hard, and I could tell he needed to tell me something important.
"Ella, what I did that day taking that dead animal to that shelter.. it wasn't easy. I swore to myself I would never see another dead body again, even if it meant skipping open-casket funerals. Ella, my dad was shot in his office by a former worker who had just been fired. I was the one who found him. Ella, I was the one who called the police and helped identify the man. I can't function when i'm around that stuff. I can't focus.. I lose myself.. So I understand if you hate me and that I am too broken for you but-"
Before he could finish I kissed him, I kissed him so hard that I could feel his weakness. A tear trailed over my hand as I held his face. I wanted to cry, I wanted to hold him and stroke his hair. I wanted to take his pain away, because I know how bad it feels. Neither of us spoke, all we could do was just keep close by eachother and never seperate. After work we went to the park.
"Ben where is that guy now?" Ben loosened up on the hold he had on me, we were sitting in the park benches as the freezing wind flowed around us.
"In prison with life without parol."
"Good." I wanted to tell him about Ana, he shared with me something that I know was hard for him. The least I could do was return the confession.