The runaway clock

I’d never heard of talking alarm clocks before I saw an advert in one of those catalogues that specialises in off beat things. You know the sort of stuff I’m talking about; clean all your patio for a year with one simple application of our super concentrated cleaner; our roll up ladder will allow you to escape from your bedroom if your house catches fire, takes up very little room when not in use, and so on.

Now I did once buy a radio controlled clock that received a signal from the atomic clock at Rugby so it’s accurate to within one second every million years. It works very well and saves the trouble of being altered when the clocks are changed every six months, although I don’t suppose I’ll ever be around to check the accuracy!

So I thought I’d try the speaking alarm clock and see what it sounded like. Like most of these super offers it took a month before the package finally arrived and I found that it needed two AA size batteries which weren’t included. I keep a supply of these things in a kitchen drawer so there was no real problem there. A few moments after unpacking the clock I was in business. The instructions were in Chinese but clocks aren’t too complicated and after a few trials I got the time right and had set up the alarm facility.

The first surprise after seeing the instruction book was that the clock spoke English. There was a slight accent, but lets face it the only person who doesn’t have an accent is me. So I was soon listening to the clock telling me it was “now a quarter past seven in the morning, get up please”

Then I noticed a button that hadn’t been used during the setting up process. Out of sheer curiosity I pressed it.

“Please say name of owner,” said the clock.

Well that was a surprise. “Geoff,” I said hopefully, “Greetings Sheff” replied the clock. Well I hadn’t been called that since I once met a mermaid who couldn’t pronounce the soft ‘g’, but that’s another story. I decided to try and teach it the English pronunciation. “Jeff” I said carefully “Jeff!”

“Hello Sheff sheff,” the clock repeated in a rather puzzled voice.

“No only one Jeff” I stated.

“Greetings Oni wan Sheff.” I think the electronics must have been programmed by a fan of Star Wars.

After a few more attempts I gave up trying and pressed the button again to try and turn off the recording system. Unfortunately that method didn’t seem to work. “Please say name of owner,” repeated the clock now speaking in an exasperated tone.

I thought quickly, I could go on like this for ever unless I could think of a name that even the Chinese could wrap their tongues round.

Eventually I thought of a good old English name, “Tom” I said slowly and deliberately.

“Why not say so first time”, snapped the clock.

I made a mental note that every morning in future I must think of myself as Tom. Even so it appeared to be rather strange that the clock could ask questions on pronunciation in English as well as just telling me the time.

For some time after that we got on quite well together, until at last came the changeover to British Summer Time.

I woke up at my normal time of quarter past seven. I checked this on my radio controlled clock, the new clock hadn’t made a sound and still showed the winter time. I wondered if the batteries had gone flat and leaned out of bed to check. The clock was still working but I could just hear it muttering quietly to itself as I put my ear to it.

“Stupid country; I seem to have lost an hour somewhere, not my fault, sun still going round in same time but stupid English seem to think it now seven fifteen. Not right!”

After the clock had sorted itself out regarding British Summer time all went as I would expect for six months. The clock obviously didn’t agree with BST and just shouted at me at the correct time. I got used to waking up to a slightly different call to that intended by the manufacturers.

“Sheff Sheff, obi wan Sheff, Tom time to get up and go to work!”

Then the inevitable happened, the clocks had to lose an hour again for the winter. The next morning the clock had disappeared. No matter how much I searched I couldn’t find it. Then when the local paper was delivered that weekend, the headline read, “Milkman sees clock running down the road.”

As you can imagine I read the article with great interest. The milkman had been on his round very early in the morning and seen a clock running along the road in front of him. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t catch it up and he had to give up the chase to make his deliveries. Apart from the fact that normal clocks can’t run along roads he also heard it moaning in a loud voice.

“Damn stupid English don’t know own names, then always change time; drive me mad.”

I noticed the next time the catalogue was delivered the talking alarm clock was no longer offered for sale.

Occasionally I feel sorry for that clock. After all it could only have had an artificial intelligence; couldn’t it?