Handbags

“Ten minutes to countdown.” Announced the Commander.

“Tertiary system check”

“All clear.”

“Trajectory to the outer zip constellation confirmed.”

“Roger”

“Secondary system check?”

“Confirmed.”

“Primary systems?”

“All set to go.”

“Looks like you’ve got this in the bag, Commander Mike.”

“Roger that.” Replied Commander Mike Sheppard.

 

The countdown began and the crew of three on the compact spaceship braced for launch. Then it happened. An asteroid appeared in their trajectory to the zip and not only that. Its trajectory was on a course to destroy their world.

“Abort, Abort!” Shorted Mission Control.

 

Half an hour later the crew sat in Mission Centre with all the engineers, scientists and politicians.

“What do we do, It’s a massive rock coming to destroy our world? Asked a senior scientist.”

“I know it’s galling.” Replied Mike.

“Doesn’t look we’ll be visiting the outer echelons of our Universe any time soon.”

“Our world could be destroyed” shouted an irate politician.

“We need to come up with an operation to destroy that asteroid, that fucking rock.”

 

Meanwhile on Venus. Helen was being asked if she had any tissues by her friend Barbara.

“I’ll look in my handbag.” Said Helen, “No I remember, I haven’t. Sorry.” Replied Helen.

“Oh we could go to boots, we’re in Whitby, it’s on the way to the nail bar.” Said Barbara.

“Perfect, you know there’s an H&M on way as well.”

“Where’s Mike today?” Asked Barbara.

“Work.” Replied Helen.

“I tell you Helen, being an astronaut really is too demanding at his age.”

“Yer. I know.” Replied Helen. “I just need this operation and then we have it in the bag.”

“Oh, Helen, how are you feeling?” Asked Barbara.

 

Helen grimaced and continued to walk on.

 

“OK, Commander, we’ve reprogrammed the compact to comb the trajectory of the asteroid, it will be a surgical operation but it should work”.

“When do we launch?” Asked Commander Mike.

“Thirty minutes, you should check your pay load, but with the missile, you can’t take all your crew”.

“Roger, that.” Replied Commander Mike and went to the spacecraft. After a few minutes he had plotted in the course and primed the missile. He was set for launch. Then blast off. Rockets fired and he was on his way.

Helen felt a twinge of pain and then got tearful about her impending gall bladder operation, she thought maybe I have got a tissue in my handbag. She undid the zip.

Suddenly Commander Mike, without his crew, the scientists, and politicians were met with a blinding light.

 

“Is that God?” asked Mike on the radio, riding on compact.

“Yes, it must be.” Said space command. They were mesmerised.  The light was blinding. Mike continued on to the asteroid and fired the missile. Then a massive explosion. Operation accomplished reported Commander Mike. And the rock was disintegrated.

“God speed Commander Mike, Your World is saved. Carry on to the zip constellation. Find out the source of that light.”

 

“Oh look, Barbara, there’s some gristle in here, in my handbag. Must be because I’m always chewing the fat with you.” Said Helen.

“What do you mean?” Asked Barbara.

“Chatting, we’re always talking.” Replied Helen.

“Ooo, I get it, yes we are, throw it away, got to keep a clean handbag, What do you think of  that Made in Chelsea episode last week.” Asked Barbara.

Removing the gristle, and throwing it in the bin. Helen zipped up the bag and suddenly started feeling better. “Didn’t watch it.” She said. But strangely the pang had gone. She felt better,  It was like a miracle.

“You OK?” Asked Barbara.

“Yes, I think I am. I might phone Mike. He’s away at the moment you know” Replied Helen.

“You’re lucky with him you know, you’ve really got relationships in the bag Helen.” Said Barbara.