The Mystery of the Lupins

Of course, it goes without saying that the lupins were a bit of a mystery, after all you don’t expect that, do you?

…Or do you?

I must admit I’m not that up-to-date on these things, so perhaps it is perfectly normal for a woman to show up at your door, naked under her coat except for a strategically placed bunch of lupins.

Quite possibly, knowing how these things work, there has been an article in some best-selling women’s mag about ‘how to add spice to your love life’ which featured the aforesaid carefully-positioned lupins as a way to add glamour and excitement to the whole business for those not in the first flush of youth.

However, as I said, our love-life wasn’t jaded, it hadn’t begun. We’d never met, not really. We’d spoke over the phone, over the internet, webcams and so forth without either of us being put off by the other. I was watching for it when we first appeared live on Skype at each other. Her eyes only widened slightly… well, I mean at our ages, neither of us was... shall we say, factory-fresh, but there was no sign of out-and-out revulsion on her part when she first clapped eyes on me. By the way, for the record, I found her more than easy on the eye, perhaps because of an experience or two early in my life I’ve always had a thing for the older, more experienced, woman, and well, now that I’m older too, I still prefer them to the teenage leggy blonde of alleged popular male fantasy.

We seemed to get on all right, chatting away about this and that and so on, without… well, without – or so I thought – any great passion. I mean, neither of us tried to dive through the computer screen, eager to get our hands on the other, but… well, like I say, we got on all right. Well, more than all right. I think we ‘clicked’ as we used to say, back in our day… or did we? It has been that long I can’t remember when 'our day' was.

Both of us, Liz and I… I’m Steve, by the way… were the losers, runners-up in the great divorce roundabout game that everyone seems to be playing these days. Very similar stories, married too young, too soon, to someone who, when the kids grew up and left you alone together, turned out to be a stranger to each of you.

Anyway, there she was Liz, at the door, naked in a long mac, holding the lupins.

'You said you liked flowers,' she said, as though that explained everything. Well, I suppose it did explain the lupins, if nothing else.

I just stood there like… well, like a bloke confronted with a rather lovely naked woman. It is possible that I gawped…. Although, I hope not, standing there looking like a landed fish is not an attractive look.

But….

But….

There are times when I, and I presume others too, just seem to stop, something like when a computer gets stuck in a program loop and nothing seems to happen, no matter how many keys you press or how inventively you swear at it, the computer just sits there, staring back at you.

That is the way I stood at that doorway, staring at Liz naked in that coat. I could see the doubt starting to spread across her face, see the urge to turn and run away growing in her, almost sense her turning away and rushing off in tears convinced she’d made the hugest of mistakes and blown it completely.

I wanted to say something like 'No, stop. It is lovely and you are so beautiful. This is one of the greatest moments of my life. I will never, ever, forget this moment and that way you make me feel now.’ All I could do though was stand their and stare, possibly even gawp. I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t say anything.

Luckily, though my body thought faster than my mind and I found myself holding out my arms towards her. I could feel my face escaping from that programming loop too and changing from gawping imbecile to a normal human smile of welcome.

Immediately, I could see the change in Liz; the relaxation of relief in her body and the way her face lit up as she realised she’d done the right thing after all. That it wasn’t the biggest most embarrassing moment of her life, not something that would make her wake up in the night years hence in a blind sweating panic at her own idiocy. I took the lupins from her and placed them down carefully on the hall table as we clumsily embraced and I brought her into the hall, kicking the door shut behind us.

Alone, together, at last.

'I… I thought…' Liz tried to say, but instead I kissed her, long and deep and with – I hoped – enough passion to make her realise how much her arrival dressed… or rather, not dressed… like that had impressed me.

It must have worked too, because when we broke off and came up for air, she just looked up at me.

'Well…' was all she said, pulling my face down to meet hers for another go as she pressed herself against me.

We left her coat and my clothes spread down the hallway as we made our way to the bedroom, not that we got there the first time... or before the first time, as it were.

In fact, when we did finally get to the bed we lay there, side by side, both breathing heavily and staring up at the ceiling for a minute or two.

We eventually turned to look at each other and grinned. Liz must have seen the question I was trying to frame in my eyes.

‘It was that old joke you told me,’ she said.

‘What old joke?’

‘You know the one,’ she replied, snuggling closer to me. ‘How do you impress a woman…? With flowers, chocolate, understanding and all that… then, how do you impress a man…? Show up naked and bring beer… that one.’

‘Oh right,’ I said. 'That explains the naked, but not the lupins.’

‘I forgot I had no beer in the house and I wasn’t going to the shops dressed just in my coat. It was scary enough just driving here like that, terrified of what would happen if I broke down or something.’

I nodded as she looked up at me. ‘But what about the lupins?’

‘Well,' Liz said, as her finger traced down the centre of my chest and down over my stomach. ‘I think a woman needs a little bit of mystery about her… don’t you agree?’

‘I….’ I noticed her hand had stopped moving down my body as she waited for me reply. ‘Yes… yes, of course, I agree. A woman does need some sense of mystery about her,’ I said quickly hopping the hand would begin moving down again.

It did.

END

'How I Became the Fat Bloke and Other Stories'is available here for the Kindle.