Pottering About

Hopalong Gravelpath is – quite rightly – well known throughout these islands as one of the leading exponents of Premier Division Pottering About, and is all set to be the captain of the UK’s Olympic Pottering About team for the 2012 Olympics.

It is always a stirring sight to any freeborn English person to see a Pottering About team take the field, eventually wandering on to the pitch in their ill-matched tatty cardigans and down-at-heel slippers, ready for the vital pre-match sit down and the traditional start to every game of Pottering About, the Nice Cup Of Tea.

Then once the Nice Cup Of Tea has been finished and the official words of approval have been made by each side to the umpire, it is time for the fans to concentrate closely on the tactical finesse of each team. For those new to the sport here are a few things to watch out for at the begging of any Pottering About match. It is important to study just how long and how convincing is the deep sigh made by each player as they contemplate the recently quaffed Nice Cup Of Tea. It is at this point that the more skilful players will attempt the sometimes tricky ‘see if there’s another one in the pot’ gambit to outfox the opposing team. Other players will drum the fingers on the arm of their match armchair, while some will unbutton, then slowly re-button their cardigans whilst the crowd grows tense, waiting for someone, anyone, to make the first decisive move towards considering making some attempt towards contemplating thinking about getting on with it.

As we all know the real skill in professional top-flight Pottering About is to be always on the verge of actually getting on with it without apparently seeming to do anything, then – with no clear idea of how it happened - the opposition are suddenly One-nil down, with the scoring team back in their armchairs as if nothing had happened, ready for the umpire to restart the match.

Sometimes it is only through the slow motion replay that you can see how the goal was scored, but not always then. For example, with a really great Pottering About squad like the legendary European Cup winning Littlehampton Dawdlers team of 2001, who could sometimes be 6-0 up without seemingly leaving their armchairs or even without taking the sleeping cat from their laps, it is impossible to see – even in slow motion – any of them moving towards the opposition half at all.