Blessings

I peer down at my little bundle of joy. She looks up at me with her huge wide puppy grey eyes. She gurgles as she stuffs four fingers down her throat.
“Don’t do that.” I say pulling her fingers out of her mouth. “Not unless if your planning to have an eating disorder.” She giggles with her mouth wide opens. I’m glad she doesn’t understand what I’m saying; otherwise, it would be something for me to worry about. “Gosh you’re a stinky child, aren’t you?” I lay her on her back as I start tagging at her nappy. “Hold still now.” She twists and turns, making it hard for me to clean her without mess getting on my hands. She shrieks at the top of her voice, and I smile, rejoicing over her happiness. The thought is splendour, ‘My little girl’.

When I finish, I give my hands a quick wipe, but it does no good. I need to clean them properly. I pull down the sleeve of my jumper and handle Kassia’s teething ring. At first, she doesn’t except it, but when I start making noises, she reaches out at full length. I make sure she is occupied before I abandon the floor. I don’t want her to leave my sight, so I leave her at the entrance of the bathroom door, as I clean my hands at the sink. I keep glancing at her to check that she is in no danger at all. To think I was going to kill her. I cannot believe the thought entered into my head in the first place. I was young and naïve. Still, there is no excuse. From the day, I conceived her she’s been my responsibility and will be always. Aborting her would never have been the solution. Not ever!

She is just so magnificent, delightful and breathtaking. The joy of having her is so exquisite. A child like this can only be defined as a blessing. My Blessing.

I swing her on my hip and re-join the party. Nobody’s missed us because we’ve just slipped in and out. We take our seat where we last left our food. Pulling it as if it were a lever, Kassia hooks her hand into the hole in my hoop earring and starts tagging it in her direction. I fight to loosen her grip but she has a firm hold. I pat her hand lightly repeating ‘no’ over and over again, hoping that she would now be familiar with the word and obey my orders. She doesn’t though, and I don’t expect her too really. She’s only one and a half. She has just about uttered her first words, let alone got to terms with there meanings.

I can see Jason watching me from the corner of his eye. We’re half way across the room from each other and I can still feel his pity. I don’t want him to pity me. I want him to see my maturity. How much I have changed. How much I’ve grown up. As soon as Rachel turns and offers to take Kassia, Kassia loses hold of my jewellery and slaps her hands by her side. She takes a big sigh and I think, ‘That’s how I feel’. I refuse Rachel’s offer as I balance Kassia on my lap. Kassia doesn’t stay satisfied for long. She grabs a big chunk of my hair and slips it into her mouth. “Take that out of your mouth.” I instruct her slowly and softly. “You don’t want to get a hair ball.” I retrieve my hair and I mutter, “After all, you’re not a cat.” However, when I think about it, she does have cat eyes. Gorgeous cats eyes.

“I know. Did you see when she tripped on the stairs?”
“She was showing off, that’s why.”
“No I weren’t. I was just watching my posture.” They all collapsed with laughter and I smiled feeling really awkward. The group of them are relating an incident that I obviously weren’t around to see. I’m trying not to, but I am. I feel really left out. I new it was a bad idea to come to this party. What was I expecting? It’s nice to be invited but really, I’m the only one here with a baby. How could I expect to fit in after two years of isolation?

I look down at Kassia and I think of the sacrifices I’ve made. One worthwhile. Probably the best choice I’ve ever made. She’s not looking at me; she just plays with the tassels on her dress. I bet she’s counting them. Yep, my baby girl is going to be a genius. She’s already beautiful and smart. Even though people scorn us and tell me she was a mistake, I think she the best of my creations. I don’t care what people think. She’s mine and no one else’s. As long as I love her, than nothing else matters. My wonderful Kassia.

“Mia. M-I-A.” I turn to see Jason looking at me as if he were trying to get my attention.
“Sorry, I was miles off.”
“Yeah, I can see.” He shoots that warm smile that I remember from school. “I was just asking if you were alright.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Absolutely fine!”
“You look really tiered.” He looks me in my eyes. “Do you want me to follow you home?”
“Nooo. I can’t go home now. It’s not even nine yet.”
“Well none of us are as young as we use to be.” I smile. I’m grateful at his generosity. He knows as well as I do that I’m the only one aging. I’ve just turn 18 and I have a one year old. How much mothers can your find that party to late with a bubba at their right hand. It’s not as if I can leave Kassia with family. She is my only family now.
“Do you want a drink?” I glimpse down.
“What? Something strong?”
“What ever sizzles your grizzle.” Kassia is full of energy and she won’t stop bouncing on my lap. I want something to drink but I don’t know if it would be the right thing to do at this moment of time. “Come on. Treat yourself.” I look at Jason, than at Kassia, and over again.
“Alright. Just a little one.” Everyone has finished the bottles in the room so I get up to follow Jason into the kitchen. Claire offers to take Kassia and I accept. I’ll only be a minute or so.

I follow Jason into the Kitchen and my eyes glitter at what he’s poring for me. My Favourite. “You really shouldn’t you know that.” I grip the glass with my full fist. “I might get carried away with myself.” We both chuckle in harmony. Jason looks over at me while he sips some of his drink. I stand there silently sipping mine. The kitchen is cool compared to the living room. So cold I can feel a dewdrop of sweat sliding down the side of my face. The drink is so refreshing, so rewarding. I lean against the fridge and I can feel the stabbing pain of chill attacking my spinal chord. It’s great. The peace. The calmness. The break. I close my eyes as my head slowly tips back. Kassia’s fine in the living room with Claire. This is my time out. My time to relax. My time to drift off in a world of my own.

“So, how have you been?”
“Fine.” I say without opening my eyes.
“No.” He stops. “How have YOU been? My eyes release at the emphasizing of the word you.
“Fine.” I repeat. “Why wouldn’t I be?” I know why he’s asking but I want everything to be perfect. Everything to be fine.
“You know this has been a tough two years for you. You must be really tired. I mean mentally. You really look like you need a break.”
“Oh thanx.” I try to make the room a bit lighter. “That’s great init.”
“No really.” Jason touches my arm. “You need some time out.”
“Really i’m fine.” I’m in denial but it’s the only way I’ll be able to deal with things. The safest way anyway.

I look down at my empty glass and I’m longing to refill it. I know it’s dangerous but I can’t help but let my heart rule my mind. I go over to the bottle and topple my glass. I promise myself this will be the last and take a seat at the kitchen table with Jason. I take a sip from my glass, and then firmly place it on table in front of me. Jason reaches into his pocket and pulls out a box of cigarettes. He flicks it from the top and slips out a fag. He balances it between his lips as he searches his body for a lighter. I stare at him hoping he can feel my gaze, and he does. With his head down, his eyes roll up and suddenly he clicks and apologised. “Sorry. I forgot. “ He takes the fag from his mouth and re-places it in the box. I take another sip from my glass, smile and then thank him. I don’t want to tell him what to do with his life, but I hate it when people smoke around me. All I picture is the nicotine clotting their arteries and then leading to cancer. Then I can’t help but think about the last year I spent with my father. I was only seven and obviously a daddy’s girl. If only he had given up smoking. To think of how much lives are lost due to smoking. To think of how much lives that could be save buy a simple change of path. That was probably the beginning of my rebelling. Knowing no one cared about what I thought about my father dying. I was just told to keep out of the way. I didn’t even get to say good-bye. It was simply a once in the lifetime incident. The one and only time I needed to say good-bye and I never got the chance.

“So how have you been coping?”
“Not too bad actually.” Lie. It’s been hell but I can’t let him see how weak I am. He nods.
“That’s good you know. I must commend you. You’ve just been so strong… emotionally and everything. Losing your relationship with your family is one thing, but taking on an additional responsibility is another.”
“I don’t view Kassia as a responsibility….” Do I? No. “I view her as a privilege.” I do. “It’s like the other day; some woman must have been admiring Kass and it turned out that she was infertile and she wished she could have been in my position. It wasn’t until we parted that I stated thinking about it more and I started to think of how hard it would be to want something that you know you’re not going to get it. Like, it just made me see how fortunate I am and to be honest… I am grateful for such a blessing.”
“Wow, that’s moving.”
“Sorry.”
“No. Don’t be sorry. That’s exactly what I miss about you; your deepness, that fact that you actually think.”
“Thanks.” I feel my shyness kicking in. “I miss you too.” That my way of apologising. Simply my way of saying sorry for hurting him. I think back to the times when we were there for each other. The two of us best friends. Joint at the hip we were… and then I had too change. I didn’t mean to grow up. I really didn’t.

Once I had hit 13 there was nothing stopping me. I was a teenager; one step up from childhood. I was still around Jason but I wanted to experience other friends as well… so I did. Obviously I joined the wrong crowed. They were an older bunch and much experience too. It was fun and games at first; with my mum being there to catch me when I fall. Then when I was fifteen, she had been through true tribulation with me and decided to bring Michel home. He was her next bloke, the one after dad and to be quite frank, I hated him. The first few months were bare-able, simply for the fact that he was lost and didn’t know what to do. Once he had settled down, he gained more authority. He could set my curfew and ground me for setting a foot out of line. That was something to expect really, but when they crossed the line, they had taken it one step to far. According to them, I had to call Michel DAD! I stared at my mother hurting at her betrayal. I only had ONE dad and always will. That was the final push before I reached shear breakdown.

“So what are you planning to do once Kassia gets old enough for school?” Jason’s question sparked some realisation. I hadn’t yet planned that far, when truly, I should have.
“I don’t know.” I reply. “Probably find part time somewhere.”
“Is that it? Just part time somewhere? What happen to your passion for art?” I grin. It’s true, art is an important aspect of my life. “Do you remember…?” He continues. “…that painting you did for our mock GCSE. That was the best thing you had ever done and it automatically topped all our final pieces.”
“Yeah, and sir bought it from me.”
“Yeah and your mum was proud of you.” My face drops. My mum was proud. That was the first time in a long time that a brought a smile to her face. In a distance, I can hear Kassia’s bucket full of laughter and remember she was my shear breakdown. She was my revenge on my mother. She was the final push. Yet, she is an oxymoron because she is now the happiness of my life.

“That was your biggest pocket money in time.”
“Yeah, well, Kassia’s my best creation now.”
“Yeah, she really is beautiful.” I know she is. I wonder how such beauty can come from such destruction. She is the product of my rebelling yet, she is a blessing. “I’m really proud of you, you know. For sticking it through and everything.”
“Umm. I agree.” It was hard. From the time I suspected that I might be have been pregnant, all that remained between my mum and I was destined to collapse.

Four mornings I had been throwing up but I never thought anything of it because I was on my period. Little did I know that I could be on my monthly whilst being pregnant. We never were taught that at any of the schools drop-in. Then again, I didn’t go to many since I wasn’t expecting to be active. I never really did want too, only the time when I wanted to spite my mum; thus conceiving Kass. Two months later I could deny it no longer. My body told me I was but my mum didn’t want to hear it. She made me take test, after test, after test. When we were certain I didn’t get an ear full, I just was told to do as she said, and that was to sign for abortion. It sounded good to me. Quick and easy... well it sounded quick and easy until my curiosity kicked in. I started to research about pregnancy; things such as what size they are at what stage and how much they developed at what month. Then I came across what abortion evolved. How they break up the babies bones and then suck it out in a tube like Hoover. My conscience didn’t kick in until I read how it had been proven that the baby screams out in pain. I knew the doctors said that it wasn’t pain, just stress, but then I put myself in a baby’s position and thought about when I’m stressed how I feel physical pain. That led to me thinking about my phobia of being in in-closed places. How would I like my bones to be broken up and then be suck out in a tube?

Crash! My awareness is sparked and I can only hope I am wrong.

Bang! The kitchen door crashes wide open and there is no time for thought. Piles of people rumble into the doorway and squeeze to enter the present room. At first, nothing is said and nothing is heard, but I could read it from the panic on their faces. Something was wrong.

First, I sight the blood smudged on Claire’s hands, face and hair. Behind her, Rachel was carrying a limbered body. It was Kassia. At that moment, my heart drums no more. The pupils of my eyes broaden out as my glare locks on Kass’ small face. The world slows down and comes to a halt. The only thing in my world that has any life or movement is the doll figure heading towards me. I Blink once. Twice. A third time. Nothing. No moisture leaks from the corners of my eyes. My baby is hurt.

The crowd is speaking to me but I can’t hear what they’re saying. Everything sounds muffled as I grasp my one and only child. It’s as if I’m in disbelief. Her mouth is wide-open allowing shreds of screams to come and go. I feel Jason escorting me to the door while I’m in a deep trance watching Kassia pass out.

When we’re outside, the breeze slaps me in the face but it doesn’t make any difference. Several people are calling the ambulance and I wish I could thank them. I wish I could speak and tell Kassia that everything’s going to be Okay, But even when I try, a mere puff escapes my throat. Jason turns and faces me. Running his hands through my hair I can barley make out what he’s saying. Something like ‘you should sit frown’, no, ‘you should sit down’. I shake my head vigorously. I can’t let her go again. I’m determined to keep her… but a sudden dizziness spirals my world into muck. I try to grab the air to keep my balance but I’m falling, I’m falling continuously, and then world goes blank.

When my eyes open next, I am on my back facing upwards. The ceiling is pure white and so calming to my emotions. It is just that, which makes me realise, where and why I am here. I spring up so I am seated on my buttocks and search for the next person to come to my aid.

“Nurse!” I call out. “Nurse”, I repeat. A red head stops and looks directly at me. I begin to explain but she nods reassuringly.
“You came in with Kassia?” She asks and I squint trying to remember her.
“Uh – yeah.”
“Course.” She beams. “Would you like to see her?” It is an obvious question but I just nod instead of making a sarcastic comment. “Okay. I’ll go and get someone to check you over and if you’re suited to go, than that it isn’t it.” I smile gratefully even though I think she’s too cheerful for this place.

Nurses rush past the room and the memories come swarming back to my mind. I remember the last time I was in this environment. It was terrible. This was the place where I was forced to admit that I had a drinking problem. This was the place where my mother gave up all hope of me getting ‘better’, and decided to live a happier life with her new man. This was the place of many endings to my youth. Who was I kidding when I had Kassia. Did I honestly think I could be a mother. I’m not even capable of looking after myself. Like I’ve concluded before, abortion could never be the right answer, but I’m sure there’s another way out. I’m sure… she could be adopted. She could have a better life else where, with people capable to run a family. That’s the best thing for her really. Or… Is it the best thing for me?

A doctor comes in to check me over. He takes no time to tell me about Kassia’s progress.
“She’s very lucky actually. She didn’t need any stitches or anything; we just butterflied the wounds and bandaged up her hands. Most of the blood came for your friend.” I raise an eyebrow in puzzlement. “When the bottle smashed.” I nod as if I knew. This doctor knows more than I do.
“Which friend was hurt?”
“Umm, I think her name was Claire.” I sigh. That explains why she was drowning in blood before. “Right, you’re all good to go. Would you like me to take you straight to Kassia?”
“Yes. Yes please.” I jump off the hospital bed and nearly plumach to the floor.
“Woops.” He helps me up. “Looks like you got to re-learn how to use your legs.” I agree.

When we get to the ward she is on, my mind starts to over heat. I don’t know if I want to see her. Not if I’m giving her away. I stop abruptly and the doctor asks me if I’m okay. I nod and take a deep breath before following him again. From when I saw Jason waiting outside, I knew the exact room Kassia was in. I’m happy he came; it means he really cared. When Jason sights me, his face lights up. Putting his hand on my arm, he asks me if I’m alright and I nod instead of speaking. The doctor tells him that I want to see Kassia (his way of dropping the hint that Jason’s prolonging time). Jason puts both hands in the air, indicating I’m free to do whatever. I bow my head sheepishly and enter the room searching for Kassia.

At first sight, I can only see a room full of equipment and a couple of nurses here and there, but then I notice Kass in one of their arms. When Kass sees me, her eyes go wide open and she shrieks with happiness. She holds out her bandaged arms and murmurs a little something. I study her mouth opening and closing.
“Ma. M-u, M-u-m.” A crystal springs from the corner of my eye and travels down my lash, finally settling at the tip until I blink and off it drops. Her very first word. Mum!

Instantly I run over and take her into my arms, kissing her, and swaying from side to side. Watching her mouth my title, I know that all this long-suffering and patience has been worth its while. Who said being a mother would be easy. How could I ever give her away? We’d just have to keep on fighting together. I know she will because,

She is just so magnificent, delightful and breathtaking. The joy of having her is so exquisite. A child like this can only be defined as a blessing. My Blessing.