Coffin Pants

Gregor was a dear friend of Igor's, and now he was dead.

"He was a good one, for sure," said Igor.

Igor knelt at the open coffin and sniffled back a few tears.

"We'll never see his like again," he moaned.

The Frankenstein monster, who was kneeling next to the celebrated gravedigger, surveyed the coffin with a dimwitted eye.

"Something not right," said the creature.

"I'm with you there, friend," said Igor. "I have seen Gregor in better spirits. Though, I'm ashamed to say, I've never seen him looking so good."

"Not mean that," said the monster.

"What then?" said Igor.

"Gregor wearing Igor's pants," said the monster.

Igor was stunned at such a ridiculous remark.

"Don't be absurd," said Igor. "What makes you think he's wearing my pants?"

"Blood-pudding stain on right knee," said the creature.

"A common enough occurrence," said Igor. "It doesn't make the pants mine."

"Buttons missing on trousers," said the creature. "Igor in hurry to make water. That happen Oktoberfest. Igor drink fast. Igor get drunk. Igor pee in pants."

"I get your point," said Igor, "but Gregor was there as well. It doesn't mean a thing."

The creature took a long look at the dead man's pants.

"Seat of Igor's pants held together with golden safety-pin," said the creature. "Igor win safety pin at East-Euro Sewing Festival. Igor win First Place!"

"Shhh!" Igor insisted. "I've got a reputation, you nitwit!"

"Sorry, friend Igor," said the creature.

Igor took a deep breath and announced his intentions.

"Well, old friend," said Igor, "there's only one way to find out if the pants are mine."

Igor reached into the coffin and commenced to shove his left hand under his dead friends' rump.

"Oh! Lordy!" shouted Igor. "These are my pants!"

In Igor's attempt to take possession of his cherished golden pin, the pin came undone and snagged itself onto the sleeve of Igor's mourning coat.

"Bloody hell!" screamed Igor. "The devil hisself has taken hold of me and won't let go!"

"Not like devil!" screamed the monster.

The frightening cries of the creature emptied the funeral parlor of all mourners, leaving Igor and the creature alone at the casket to struggle with the demon pin.

"Me save friend Igor!" screamed the creature.

The creature then threw Igor over his massive shoulder, and ran out of the parlor. The force of the creature’s action caused the old rancid pants – which were still attached to Igor’s sleeve by the golden pin – to be torn off of their dear old dead friend.

As was reported later, the ragged pants were seen fleeing across the village square - with Igor and the creature in the lead.

The incident left dear old dead Gregor laying there with his nose to the casket bed, and his cold dead rump raised awkwardly to the heavens.

Fritz - a late arrival and significant other of Gregor - stood and stared at his dear old
companion.

"I confess," he moaned, "I thought death would have had a more dignified effect on you and your urges. I should have known better."

And the parlor door closes on yet another balmy tale from across the ages.

Goodnight, and mind whose pants you’re wearing. You never now where you'll end up.