Craven on Patrol

“Hey, Craven!”

Detective Sergeant Dowd pulled his patrol car to the curb and signaled for Craven to get in.

“No, not in the back. You’re sitting up front with me.”

“Where are you taking me, sergeant? I didn’t do anything.”

“That’s why I’m pulling you in, Craven. You never do anything. So, as per Betty’s wishes, I’m taking you out on patrol. Show you how it’s done.”

“Betty’s wishes?”

“Yeah. Birthday wishes. From a can-do dame to a can a worms. You being one of the worms.”

“Yeah, I suspected as much.”

“Good. You suspected right. Good police work. We’re off to a good start. So don’t go screwing it up by asking me if you can play with the siren or shoot out someone’s tires with the tommy gun.”

“We got a Tommy gun?”

“I got a Tommy gun, Craven. You got an empty pistol. I told Betty I’d do this on one condition.”

“Don’t tell me. That she take away my bullets?”

“Yeah, that she did, but that wasn’t the condition. My condition was leaving you home and taking Betty with me. She’s a lot of fun. You? Not so much.”

“Hey! How do you know Betty’s a lot of fun?”

“Hang on to your pimply-pussed school-boy defenses, dear boy. Every Wednesday at noon for the past year Betty and me have a standing game of pinocle, a pitcher of iced-tea and a sardine sandwich loaded with onions. She’s the only woman I ever seen eat one. What a woman. It’s all very innocent. Except when Betty decides to tell me dirty jokes.”

“Betty knows dirty jokes? All I ever get are the knock- knocks.”

“I take that back, They’re actually quite filthy. If I didn’t like her so much I’d have the vice squad take her in. Boy, can she make me blush. But enough of that, Craven. That was a 925 that just flew by here. Hang on to your hat.”

Sergeant Dowd reached for the microphone and switched on the siren.

“Sergeant Dowd here in pursuit of 925. '46 Plymouth. Blue. Current position at 89th and Third heading north in hot pursuit. If it’s who I think it is tell my wife I love her and to kiss the kids for me. Over.”

“If you don’t mind, sarge. I think I’d rather take the subway. Drop me at the corner and I’ll meet you uptown.”

“Nice try, kid. But you chose this racket. Now you gonna show me some spine.”

“Showing you my spine is exactly what I’m afraid of. Especially when it’s splattered all over the back of this seat. Not a pretty sight.”

“You know what is a pretty sight?”

“What?”

“That green lawn chair on the corner. Let me pull over and get a closer look.”

“Lawn chair? What about the 925?”

“Not to worry, Craven. I did call in for back up. They’ll take care of it. 925’s are a dime a dozen. But a discarded lawn chair on Third Avenue is a rare treasure to be savored.”

Sergeant Dowd stepped out of the patrol car and breathed a sigh of relief.

“It’s all in one piece too. Oh, my Mabel’s gonna love this for her Saturday morning tar beach gatherings this coming Summer. That’s when she gets together with the other ladies in the building. It’s where they sun-up and tear down the political fabric of this city. Me? I’m more a baseball guy. Mabel’s a court stenographer downtown. She sees it all. All those miserable low-life crumb bums they got got loafing around on the taxpayer's dime. And I ain’t talking about the criminals. But we’re wasting time, Craven. Grab the keys and open the trunk. I got my hands full.”

“What’s that smell, Sarge. Did you. . . ya know.”

“No. I didn’t do a ya know. Now open the trunk.”

”Ah, geez, Sarge. Is that what I think it is? Please tell me it’s one of those dummies they use in police work.”

“It’s a dummy all right. A lousy gun-for-hire. Goes by the name of Schultz. I was supposed to drop him off at the coroner’s office. I must have got side-tracked.”

“Exactly how many lawn chairs have you been looking for?”

“Don’t be a wiseguy, Craven. Open the backdoor. I’ll toss this in the backseat and we’ll be on our way.”

“You remember where we’re going?”

“Yeah. In pursuit of a 925. We’re on our way. But after I pick up Mabel’s dry cleaning. Hang on to your hat. They close in five minutes. Wait! Is that what I think it is? It is! A picnic basket!”

“Ah, geez. This is gonna be a long night. Happy birthday to me.”

Photo courtesy of Wiki Commons: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Naked_City_(TV_series)#/media/File:James_Franciscus_Naked_City_1958.JPG