Dear Barking Dog

Dear barking dog at the end of the street,

I hate you. I don’t know who you are, or which house you live in, but I hate you just the same.

Please tell me what it is about two o’clock in the morning that you find so fascinating.

Is it a raccoon? A burglar? Perhaps it’s your own fucking tail that has you so enthralled? Maybe you’re a young pup who hasn’t yet learned proper neighborhood etiquette. Or are an old dog who just doesn’t remember who or where he is? In either case, I hate you.

Because of you I haven’t had a proper sleep in days. I hate my lack of enthusiasm in the morning. And my morning caffeine doesn’t seem to be getting the job done.

I hate the way my boss looks at me in the afternoon when I lift my head off of my desk and wipe the sleep from my eyes. Maybe after I’m fired I’d be invited over to your house for a much needed home cooked meal and then, after dessert, I could douse you in maple syrup, tie you up with your own leash and leave you where the raccoons are known to gather.

I hate walking the neighborhood at night and not being able to find you. No matter how hard I try. I’ve even posted signs on the lamp posts: Wanted: one barking dog for dog food commercial. Only the best barkers need apply. $$$$!

But you never showed up at the address I had listed. It was the address of the dog pound. My plan was to meet you at the pound, relief of your dog license and start yelling for the dog catcher. But you spoiled my day with your lack of interest.

Once, while on vacation at the beach, I thought I heard your bark. Were you the one playing Frisbee? Were you the leg humper at the life guard station? Or were you the Irish Setter frolicking in the waves without a care in the world? Never a good shark attack when you need one, was the thought on my mind

Just remember this, barking dog down the street, one day I will find you, and your barking day will be numbered!

Yours truly,

The Calico cat down the street who hates you.

PS. I’ve ordered night vision goggles from Amazon, to further assist in my hunt for you, the miserable barking dog down the street. Good day to you , sir. Or should I say, good riddance! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!