Hans Gets Ugly

Hans Christian Andersen said, "Hey! If you would only put some
cheese in this danish, you'd have something."

Mr. Schmeckenpepper, the proprietor of his favorite corner cafe,
promptly threw Hans out into the street.

"Never mind the danish!" he shouted. "You take these tablecloths home
and clean out those ink blots! Every day you sit here and drink the
coffee and the schnapps. And everyday you fall asleep and knock over
the inkwell. Then you say, 'Mr. Schmeckenpepper, clean up this mess! I
can't write under such conditions!' Well, my friend, you come back here
with some clean tablecloths and you might spare yourself a night in the
pokey. Good day to you, my friend!"

Later that night, Hans knelt before the wooden washtub, scrubbing the
tablecloths in a devilish manner.

"I wish that Mr. Schmeckenpepper would sprout wings and display a
fondness for the duck pond," he thought. "I would then acquire a
hunting license; shoot Mr. Schmeckenpepper; sell him to the cafe; have
him served to me on this very tablecloth; pick my teeth with his bones,
and have my way with his wife!

"Who am I kidding?" Hans said. "I couldn't harm a fly. Besides, Mr.
Schmeckenpepper would make one ugly duck!"

Hans was momentarily stunned with a brilliant notion. He ran to his
desk and wrote feverishly throughout the night.

Several weeks later, Hans received a letter from his publisher:

My dear Hans,

The story is brilliant. But we must discuss that title: The Ugly
Schmeckenpepper?
Please reconsider.

Yours truly,
Boris