Jake Morgan's Got an Itch

I run a respectable place! Anyone come’s in here thinking they’re going to get away with anything, got another thing coming. Get me?

I know what you're thinking. Who does this yokel think he is? Barking orders. Making demands. Playing the big shot!

I’ll tell you who I am. I’m Big Jake Morgan, that’s who I am! Anyone says anything about it gets one in the kisser! Yeah, even you sister! Yeah, you! Stop looking so meek and innocent. I know what goes on inside your head, and there ain’t nothing innocent about it!

And you! Yeah, you, buster. If you cause me any grief you’ll get the same! And what are you looking at old lady? If supper ain’t on my table in ten seconds, I ain’t responsible for the consequences!

And who let that dog in here? Don’t look at me with those big dopey puppy dog eyes! You’re on my list, too, pal! Just like all the rest!

As his wife watched through the two way mirror, Jake Morgan sweated profusely, pacing nervously around his padded cell, squirming in his straight jacket.

The nurse at the psychiatric hospital told her it was time for her go home.

“Mr. Morgan is not having a good day,” said the nurse. “Perhaps next week.”

When Mrs. Morgan got to the visitors lounge to collect the children she wished she hadn‘t brought them.

”Mommy?” said little Jimmy. ”Is everyone in here crazy, or is it just daddy?”

”Your daddy‘s not crazy, dear,” said Mrs. Morgan. ”He‘s sick.”

“Did we make him crazy, Mommy?” said Susy.

“Of course not, dear,” said their mother. “Your father is just tired. He’ll be better before you know it. And everything will be just like it was.”

Just like it was? thought little Jimmy. He was always nuts. I mean who puts the Christmas tree up in August and and roasts chestnuts in the fireplace? And who sits at the keyboard all day? Tap, tap, tapping away, giggling to himself like a schoolgirl? Oh, they’re going to love this! Oh, this is hysterical. Give me a cherry with a cherry on top for that one. Tap, tap, tap, tap tap!

Like it was? thought Susy. Fried oatmeal sandwiches with muenster cheese in the lunch pail? Try trading that off at school! And who makes slippers out of banana peels? Only funny in the movies, Dad. I mean, really?

I’ve tried, thought Mrs. Morgan. Lord knows I have. But I was warned that he might turn. ‘My son’s a little off,’ his mom would tell me. 'Off?’ his dad would chime in. ‘Daft is more like it.’

I’m sure that when I get out of here, thought Jake Morgan, I’ll have a funny story to tell. In the meantime I wish someone would hurry up with that back-scratcher. This jacket's making me crazy!