The Papal Papers

Religion can't get through the day without getting itself into trouble.

Almost every act, from the Crusades to hitting home runs at Yankee Stadium, has been carried out in the name of God. And I'll bet God's tired of all this shallow name-dropping.

I'm certain that after David downed Goliath, someone from the Bethlehem Chronicle interviewed the future king of Israel, asking him how he managed such an awesome task, "Well, thank God my pitching elbow wasn't acting up, or I'd have been eating dirt for sure."

Not only did David down the giant with a brook stone, he also stabbed him in the back -- with Goliath's own sword -- then went on to cut the man's head off. No doubt the editorial pages had a field day:

Sheep Boy Uses Excessive Force!

David Too Big for His Own Breech Cloth!

If I were in charge of getting religion back in the good graces of the people I would start by giving the pope a new image.

What qualities should a pope possess? I want a pope who can leap from his pope mobile and take control of a runaway school bus. I want a pope who can slip into a plaid sport coat and mingle with the lost souls of Las Vegas, "Hey Mildred! Save some of those quarters for the poor box!"

We need a pope who can step into a pair of Speedos and not embarrass himself on the French Riviera. I want a Pope to have his own Survivor TV series: Finding God: A Search for the Creator. Wherein, contestants are left without a clue, and sent out into the world to find Him.

Some find God, only to discover He is as much fun as a day in church with your grandmother, and eventually go back to their beloved drugs and sex. Others don’t even bother looking. These people get the complimentary Finding God home game, and a spot in hell.

Am I asking too much of a pope? Is it too much to expect a religious leader to be a superman? I don’t believe so. I want my pope to kick ass.

But things never happen the way you want them to.
I suggest we recruit younger popes. We need a pope who, at Easter, can stand before the humbled masses at St. Peter’s Square, and sing How Great Thou Art in his best Elvis voice -- then take the Pope jet to Colorado for a much deserved ski weekend with Jack Nicholson.

If I were pope:

I’d downsize my Vatican digs and get something more streamlined; like Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. I’d rename it The Pope’s House of Hope and Waffles. I’d even have a drive-thru window where you could order your Belgian waffles, get a bit of wisdom, and obtain a personal absolution from me, Pope Ricardo.

With the money I’ve saved from selling the Vatican valuables, I could arm my guards and go nuclear. Who’s going to mess with a pope who has his ear to God – and a finger on the button?

God bless you all.