The Scrambled Eggplant - A Craven Danger Mystery

“Who ain't got a sense of humor?" said Craven Danger. "I got more senses of humor than a flop house got booze hounds."

"Ya gotta sense a humor like an eggplant got a sense a humor," said Betty. "An' the only thing that would find you funnier than an eggplant is another eggplant."

"Hey! What are you sayin'?"

"I'm sayin' you're soft in the head and ya turn all purple when you're sore. Like now. You got eggplant written all over ya mush!"

"Maybe you just didn't get the punch-line of my joke."

"Oh, I got it all right, Mr. Danger. And it hurt my brain a little just thinkin' about it."

"Maybe I told it wrong, Betty. Let me start from the beginning."

"I hope you mean like from the womb, because time-travelin' is the only hope I see in your future."

"Very funny, wise guy. Now, listen close. A guy walks into a diner and says to the guy behind the counter. 'Give me a cuppa Joe and an Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck 'em.'”

“Stop right there, Mr. Danger. That's where your joke runs into the graveyard and gets buried. Why ruin two good eggs on toast by makin' 'em all scrambled? I'm sorry, but without the yolk you ain't got much of an egg. Ya gotta have somethin' ta dip the toast in.”

“The joke ain't got nothin' to do with the eggs, Betty. May I continue?”

“Sure. It's your joke, Mr. Danger. You can scramble it any way ya like.”

“So this guy gets his scrambled eggs and toast, but the hash slinger forgets his cuppa Joe, see. So he says to the guy,  'Can I get my coffee now or do I have to book a flight to Columbia?"

"Oh, it's like that, is it?"

"Like what, Betty? You're not lettin' me finish the joke."

"That poor short-order cook's probably been up all night with his poor bride and a colicky baby after workin' double shifts at the diner ta raise enough money ta buy a little house in the country with a white picket fence an' a little vegetable garden, so's they can save a few bucks on food an' use it ta buy the baby a new pair of shoes an' all you got is complaints because you're too lazy ta get up an' get you're own darn coffee!  Like I said, ya got eggplant written all over ya!"

“I ain’t got no complaints, Betty! It’s the guy in the joke!”

“Ah, go tell it ta the postman! He thinks your a chuckle fest. The idiot!”

Craven Danger switched off the intercom, put his feet up on his desk and thought long and hard about time travel.