Tax Invasion - IP

"It's time to complete your tax return," said the accountant.

“Are cigarettes tax deducitble?”

John Gibbons sat across from his accountant with a shoebox full of receipts in his lap.

“Because I’ve kept a record of all my purchases this past year.”

“No, John,” said Roy Benson. “They are not. You should know better. You asked me the same thing last year and the answer is still no.”

“Well, they should be,” said John. “I see it this way. The more I smoke the shorter my life expectancy. Which lessens my chances of mooching off the government when I’m old and broke.”

“Nice try, John. But the answer is still no.”

“That’s fucked up,” said John. “How about Jack Daniels?”

“Come on, John,” said Roy. “Can we just get on with this? Otherwise you’re wasting my fucking time. Friend or no friend. I do this for a living and have a lot of other people to see today. Let’s get on with this.”

“All right, then,” said John. “Now bare with me on this one, Roy.”

“Oh, brother,” said Roy. “What now?”

“Guinness,” said John. “Now, I know what you’re going to say. It falls under the same category as Jack Daniels. But I beg to differ. I mean, Jesus, as the song goes, it’s like drinking bread. I practically live off the stuff. It’s my food and medicine all in one. It’s the one thing that keeps me going, Roy. Can’t you cut me some slack on the Guinness?”

“All right, John” said Roy. “Where’s the camera?”

”What?”

“The camera,” said Roy. “Where is it? This is one of those hidden camera shows, right? The one where they play practical jokes on unsuspecting people and everyone has a tremendous laugh at the end except the poor schmuck who’s being made the fool.”

“All right,” said John. “I get it. I get it. Not tax deductible.”

“Let me make it easier for you, John.” said Roy. “I’ll run down a list for you, and you write it down so you don’t forget. Tape it to your refrigerator if you have to. Because I don’t want to go through this again next year.”

“I’m all ears,” said John. “Which reminds me. Is my dog’s hearing aid deductible.”

“I’ll ignore that,” said Roy. “My list of non tax deductible items on your personal tax return are as follows:

1. Cigarettes and alcohol. And, yes, Guinness is alcohol. I don’t care how sustaining it is.

2. Prostitutes. The government does not care how happy it makes you or that, as a result, you’re a better boss to your employees. It’s still illegal in New York.

3. Paranormal detectives. If you can’t get rid of your wife, even after she’s dead. That’s your problem, John. Not the governments.

“Whoa, Roy,” said John. “I got to differ with you on that on that last one. Dead as she is, that damn woman is still hovering over me. I can’t take a drink without her getting into my head and ruining the party.”

“Good news, John,” said Roy. “Psychotherapy. It’s tax deductible. Take advantage. You’ll be doing us both a favor. And next time we do your taxes, we do them at the office. Not at the bordello. I don’t care how lovely these ladies are, I still want my services to be paid in cash.”

“Talk about ruining the party,” said John.