The Astronaut

I'm holding her;I've taken her breath away.

Peggy is great.We met in highschool.We're those classic highschool romantics.We graduated and went our seperate ways for college.We kept in contact through the phone(this is when the internet and e-mail was just getting started) When we both moved back home,we pretty much got married right away.We both knew we were perfect for each other.See,I'm a nerd,and somehow she puts up with that.It was when I was at college that I decided what I wanted to do-I wanted to become a scientist.I know that kind of sounds immature because little kids dream about being scientists,but I honestly wanted to.I really wanted to enter into chemistry,but I decided rocket science was the best choice for me.You know that phrase "it's not rocket science",well that's what my job is everyday,rocket science.I graduated from college and got a job working at NASA.I was assigned on the Acrux Space Shuttle project.

Anyway,back to the present.Peggy and I are together in the parking lot of an Outback Steakhouse slow dancing to the car radio.It's actually more romantic than you think.You see,in two days,NASA will be launching the Acrux with me as a pilot.That's right,I'm going into space.It's something I've always dreamed of,but never thought it would happen.Sorry,back to the parking lot.Peggy and I are holding each other desperately.I love her.I honestly don't think I want this moment to ever end.It's a strange feeling;the knowing that you won't see someone for a long time.The Acrux is scheduled to remain in space for 3 years.I know I won't see my Pegs for a long,long time,so I'm making each second last.I'm not really paying attention to what's on the radio,I'm too caught up in the moment.This honestly feels like a television show,the last episode where all the characters say their goodbyes and graduate or move to a new city.I ease my hands up a down her back and she begins to blush.We've been married for 11 years,but this is so romantic I could imagine being shy.She loves me as I love her.I beleive this is how love should be.It should be simple just like that sentence,"She loves me as I love her." People make to complicated and it eventually turns cold.Peggy and I have never been that way.

"Oh Daniel," she says with rosey cheeks.
"You are the perfect man.Smart,talented,funny,you always know what to do to make me happy."
I try." I say with a big smile on my face.
"I don't know what I'm going to do without you! I'll probably have to have friends over at the house every day to keep me from getting lonely."
"Yeah,or you could just become a crazy cat lady." I say with a chuckle.
"Dan..." she says as she shakes her head and starts laughing.
We've probably been dancing for at least 15 minutes.I bet some idiot manager is gonna come out here and tell us to head home or turn the radio down.Even if they did,I think we would keep dancing.This really is amazing.We haven't felt like this in years.We don't hate each other or get on each other's nerves,I think we just lost that "I never want to let you go" feeling for each other.It's funny how right when you're just about to leave someone and can't enjoy their company or spend alot of time with them anymore,is just when you want to enjoy their company and spend alot of time with them.I find it ironic

The night eventually gets late and we decide it's time to go home.We get that stupid mini-van that I hate so much,and roll on out.Traffic isn't too bad.We get home and I kick the cat out of the way and go on about my business.Peggy gets in the shower and tells me she's tired and she will be in there for a while.I go to the bedroom and pull out an old book of photos.I spend about a half hour reminiscing and recalling.I flip through pages of old school memories.I look at pictures of old best friends and myself at Christmas.Then I see all the pictures of highschool prom and Peggy and I at our wedding.I get a text message from Wayde saying he's going to call me in 5 minutes.Wayde is one of the passengers going on the Acrux.He's a good guy.

I still can't believe we're about to launch.Seems like we've been waiting forever to get to this part.Wayde and I are now talking on the phone about a meeting time tomorrow.It'll be my last night to have fun.Peggy will want me to go out with her(and I might) but there are still things that "need to be discussed",I don't know what he means by that.Wayde just won't shut up-I must have been on this phone with him for 35 minutes.I need a good night of sleep,I want to make my last day before the launch one to remember.I plan on getting up a few hours early to...enjoy my life pretty much.I hear stories all the time about others who crack after a few weeks.I pray that doesn't happen.So,I'll just live like a king tomorrow;no crying,no complaints.

Wayde and I get off the phone and I set it on the nightstand.Peggy walks in with a shower cap on with tears in her eyes...women.
"Must you go tomorrow? There plenty of others who have gone through the training programs,why can't someone else go?"
"Peggs,you know we both want this.I'm not doing this for me,I'm doing this for you,for a better life for the both of us."
"This isn't about a better life or more money or any of that.All people seem to care about is money...this is about you." It almost doesn't seem sincere
"Trust me,I'll be safe.They're not gonna just send up any schmuck in a million dollar space-craft.I've trained and I'm ready."
Peggy looks to the clock and turns her head away from me
"C'mon Peggs..."
"Don't you 'c'mon' me,now! Can I tell you something,or should I wait 'til tomorrow?"
"Is it something that will upset me?" I ask staring her in the eye
"Yes.." she says with a smerk
"Then it will have to wait until tomorrow.It's late honey,I want to get some sleep."

The alarm clock is buzzing.I look at the clock:5 a.m.it reads.Is the night already over? I slap on my slippers and head down the stairs.I find Cosmos asleep on yesterdays paper.I hate dogs.I go to the fridge and get some orange juice.God knows what Peggy will want to do today.She'll probably try to live an entire life in this one day.I go for the restroom to find Peggy brushing her hair.
"You're up?" I say in shock
"No,I'm still in bed," she says sarcasticly
"Of course I'm up.Today's a big day.Last day on this ugly,blue speck we call Earth.What do you want to do today?"
I'm shocked.I thought we'd spend 3 hours at the grocery store and another 2 hours at yardsales.
"Well," I say nervously,"I kind of wanted to go back to bed for an hour or 2."
"That's fine,babe.Just get me when you're ready to head out"
I'm in shock again! another 2 hours of sleep sounds like Heaven.I go back to the bedroom to lay down

Seems like 5 minutes,but it's actually been 3 hours! Peggy walks into the bedroom with her phone out
"Matt just texted me,he says he wants to come over for a bit."
I tell her that's fine.I really like Matt,he's a cool guy.I met him in college.We were roomates,so needless to say,I know the guy pretty well.I haven't seen him in around 4 or 5 months,so I'm excited to see him.
"What time is he coming over,Pegs?
"Uhm,let me read the text again." She pulls out her phone and it takes her like 2 minutes to find the message.She's terrible with technology.
"...Around 2 o'clock he said." she says when she finally finds the message
"That's fine.I know what I want to do today" I say with enthusiasm
"Oh,what's that,babe?" she says with her eyes glazing at me
"Go to the food court in the mall where we had our second date."
"That sounds like a great time.Just let me get dressed and we can go!"

I now find myself in the mall's parking lot.We find a place to park near entrance B;I find it funny that they give them letters.We walk into the mall and are heading for the food court when Peggy says,"Wait a second,could we stop in Old Navy,I want to see if a sale they were having is still going on."
"That's fine." I say(even though I hate that place)
"Alright,great!"
We walk into the store and she asks the lady at the counter if the sale is still happening.The lady leers up from her magazine and simply replies,
"No."
"Oh," Peggy says as she backs up a few steps
"Well thanks for your time."Peggy says with a sour tone
"Yep" says the "I Don't Care About Anyone But Me"-type cashier

We walk to the food court and I'm starving.I'm not in the mood for breakfast,I wan't some "real" food.
"Where do you want to eat,dear?"
I look at her with a smile and say,
"Well,I'm feeling fancy,so you can have anything you want of the Taco Bell menu"
She chuckles and replies,
"I'd want nothing more right now."

We order our food and sit down.There,we talk about things like how much we love each other,how we would do anything for each other,how we will be together forever -things you probably don't care about.The meal was as good as it could be.Nothing quite like the over-predictable taste of commercial America.I just pray I don't get sick.We stand up and start heading for the exit.It was a good time and I really enjoyed the sentiments one feels when he knows he won't see a loved one for a long time.Peggy is great.We met in highschool,wait I already told you about that.We leave and get home at 12:15.I bet Matt will want to hang out.I actually might invite him to come with Wayde and I.Me and Wayde plan on going to Applebee's.I think Matt would like Wayde.I'm not exactly sure what Wayde wants to talk about.I know it's about the Acrux and the launch,but you never know with that guy.Peggy says she has to go send e-mails.You never really know how many people you know until your husband decides to launch himself up into space.Peggy told all her friends.She says that they thought it was "sexy" that I'm going into space.I lay down on the couch and have the as-seen-on-tv flashback of my life.I didn't think would effect me emotionally as much as it is.

Pretty soon it's 2 and Matt is knocking on the door.So I get up,comb my hair a little,and head for the door.As soon as I answer it,Matt comes in with his arms open for a hug.
"Dan!",he shouts with that famous loud voice of his
"Matt,how we doin' man?"
"I'm great Dan-O.Couldn't be better.It's been a while."
"Yeah it has.Come on in,have a seat!"
"Sure!"
Matt walks in and we sit down on the couches
"Can I get you a soda?
"Yeah,that sounds good."
I walk into the kitchen and grab some root beers.
"So Dan,how was the training,did you throw up alot?" he says laughing
"I sure did.15 times at the least.It was all good though.I'm ready for the launch.A little worried,but ready."
"Worried?"
"Well,if you launched yourself off in man-made machine somewhere where God hangs out,wouldn't you be a little worried?"
"Yeah I get your point.So how's Peggy taking it?
"She's upset but she's knows how much I want to do this.She's just sad because how long I'll be gone.She'll be okay though.We both know it's for the best."
"Yeah,I think it's pretty cool man.Who'd ever think my old college roomate would be an astronaut.It's cool dude."
"It is pretty cool.That reminds me,you wanna go to Applebee's with me and one my passangers? His name's Wayde,he's a cool dude,you would like him."
"That sounds awesome.Sign me up.When are we gonna head out?"
"We plan on meeting at 6:30,so we'll leave around 6.Sound cool?"
"Sure does,I'll just hang out here until we leave."
I say "Cool," as I set my head back

Matt and I chill for the next four hours passing the time with stories about college and graduation.Peggy comes in and joins the conversation time to time.The clock finally reaches 6 and Matt and I are out the door.I kiss Pegs good-bye and we walk to the mini-van.I bet Mat probably thinks I'm alot cooler wheeling him around in this stupid mini-van.It takes us about 15 minutes to get there,so we park the car and find a table.Wayde isn't there yet,and he probably won't be for a while,he's always late.We order our drinks;Matt gets a Pepsi,I get a sweet tea.Wayde finally shows up with a ridiculous bright pink,button up shirt on.That man has the worst taste in clothes.
"Wayde,glad you finally decided to show up."
"Shut up,Dan,you know I'm always late."
"It's cool.Wayde,this is Matt.Matt,this is Wayde."
They both say nice to meet you,and start talking about the weather and some baseball team.I don't care for sports,so I have nothing to add to the conversation.I look at the menu trying to decide what I want and decide on an American classic,a burger.I'm really quite hungry.Thinking about it,the last time I ate was with Pegs at the Taco Bell.The waitress comes and we order and are on our way for a pleasant night.

I'm confused at what Wayde wants to talk about.I finally bring it up and he doesn't know what I'm talking about at first.I explain a little and he finally remembers.
"That's right,I remember what I wanted to talk about.I know physically we're all fit,but I'm not sure if we're mentally or emotionally fit yet.I've actually interviewed everyone already and 2 have dropped out.They'll be easy to replace but I wanted to make sure that you are ready,Dan."
"I'm pretty sure I am."
"Alright.I just wanted to cover somethings,ask some questions,and dig inside your brain a little."
I kind of regret bringing Matt now

He pulls out a binder and I prepare myself for a lengthy interview.He starts reading and,I don't know why,pride probably,but this all kind of seems silly.What,do they think I'll become some sort of nut up there? Of course not,I'm better than that.
"Are you currently using narcotics,drugs,or alcohol?" he begins.This is going to be fun...
"Wayde,you know me,of course not." I reply
"I know,but I have to go by the binder.Do you suffer from depression,anxiety,mood swings,or anything else that should be brought to attention?"
"Wayde..."
"Dan,I know it's silly,but we gotta do it."
"I know...no...I do not suffer from any of those." What makes it worse is everytime I answer he automatically jots down whatever I say.It's really annoying.I guess I won't torture you with the rest of the interview.After the interview,the bill comes and we go up to the desk and pay for our food.The lady at the desk is kind of cute and I know Wayde thinks so too because he whispers to Matt,"Dude,she's a hot one." He's always been quite the womanizer.We walk to our cars and say our good-byes.It was a good dinner with good people;a good night altogether.

I get home and see Peggy sitting on the couch with a distressed look on her face.I think I know what this is about.Can't a man just blast himself up into space without gettin' heat from his wife? Guess not.Even though I know what it's about,I begin,
"Peggy,what's the matter?"
"I think you know Daniel! Remember what I was upset about this morning? I think you knew even then.Listen Dan,I love you..with all my heart.I'd hate to see something bad happen to you.It would tear me to pieces.It honestly would.I hate that you're leaving tomorrow.It makes me sick.Know what else makes me sick? You've known all along.You've known I don't want you to leave.I want you to stay here with me.Every single time I bring it up,you just make some joke and we go on with our day.But really,I don't want you to leave tomorrow.I seriously don't.Why can't you just stay here with me? We have enough money,a nice enough house,a nice enough car.Why do you have to leave? Why?" She's now soaking her shirt with tears.I'm kind of mad about it.I don't see why she just exploded on me.I don't think raising my voice would help the situation.I simply sit down and wrap her in my arms.
"What do you mean you don't want me to leave? Of course you do." I say with a sweet voice.
"..." She's not saying a word.
"Honey,you know we both want this.When I leave,life will be a little difficult,sure.But when I get back,life will be all that you want it to be,dear.Just think of us then.I swear we'll be ten times happier than we are now.No more day-to-day working for you,no more worrying about affording this house,I'll take care of all of it.I swear."
"I still don't want you to leave." she says,now with a snooty tone in her voice.
"Pegs..."
"No,I'm tired of taking this crap.I've never wanted you on the Acrux.When you were just building it,I was fine.But now you want to blast off into the stars,it's...stupid...and unnecessary.
"It's not stupid!" I say now raising my voice like I was trying to avoid doing.
"Well,maybe not stupid,but unnecessay.You must agree."
"I don't agree actually.This is what I want!
"Oh,so now it's all about what you want,is it!
"No,it's not like that.You just don't understand! Why can't you support me?!"
"..." She's silent again.
"Gah,I hate when you're like this!" I shout as I throw a soda bottle into the wall.I go to bed.

The alarm clock is buzzing in my ear.I'm not a morning person.It's the big day though,I have something to look forward to.You ever think about the legacy you leave? You know,what people will remember about you when you're gone.I'm beginning to think that this is the reason for my launch.Maybe Peggy is right,maybe this isn't for a better life or less work or a better car,maybe it's just out of my own pride.I don't know,it's early and I never think clearly in the mornings.But still the thought is lingering in my head.The Acrux,the launch,everything I have worked for,maybe it's all just so some people might remember my name,maybe it's all just a pride thing.I ditch the thoughts and get up to start my day.It takes an hour or two to get ready.Peggy isn't up.I don't know how i should go about this.Do I simply give her a kiss good-bye,or do I take her with me to the station and say good-bye to her there? Which is more romantic?

"You weren't gonna leave without saying good-bye,were you?" I hear from the kitchen.Pegs must have gotten up when I was in the shower.
"No,of course not.Peggy,I wanted to apologize for what I did last night.I didn't mean it.I'm just stressed."
"I understand.You scared me last night.I thought you were going to hurt me or something.
"No,I would never hurt you.Never.You wanna ride with me to the station,or would it be easier to say good-bye now?
"It would be alot easier to say our good-byes now.Get over here!" she says with a smile,opening her arms
I run over and swoop her up in my arms.The feelings are all like they should be,just like they have been these 2 past days.We hug each other for probably 10 minutes,smiling and kissing,it's really quite sweet.I say I love her and head for the door.It sucks leaving Peggy,but no turning back now.

I get in my car and I'm about to pull out when I see our neighbour,Edd.I do not like Edd.He's wearing jean shorts,A green t-shirt,and a stupid gardening hat he always wear.He's a big dork(the glasses don't help)
"Hey champ,it's the big day,isn't it?"
"Sure is Edd.I'm running kind of late so I better get going."
"No,I understand Danny.I just wanted to talk to you before you head out.I'll see you in how many years?
"3,Edd,3 years."
"Alright,I guess I'll have to take care of Peggy while you're gone,huh captain?
"I think she can manage.I'll see you later Edd." I do not like Edd

Traffic's fine and I pull into parking lot and head for my office.I sit down and see my secetary Julie.She's wearing leather high-heels,a black skirt,and a white blouse.Julie's been working for me for about 3 years,and I really like her.She keeps to her self most the time,and I think that's why I like her so much.My old secretary,Sammi,was not like that at all.I'm just pushing pencils around and blowing off time until the other passengers get here.The launch is scheduled for 11 this morning.Julie walks into my office and hands me some files that probably aren't important at this point.We chat a little about how much she's going to miss me and how I'll be back soon.She goes back to her desk and I set my head down.I kind of regret coming early,I really wouldn't mind lying down again.Pretty soon my rest is interrupted when Colonel Bates walks in.
"Dan,how is it going?"
"Oh hi Colonel.I'm fine.No complaints."
"I don't have any more briefing,I just wanted to talk to you before you leave.We're gonna miss you here at the office Dan.But,I'm glad you're finally chasing you're dreams.We'll see you later Dan!"
"Thanks for the kind words Colonel.I look forward to seeing you all when I return.Bye." He walks out and I go back to my resting.I need some coffee right now.

I finally see myself on my way to the Acrux.We're walking the bridge up to the craft.Cameras are flashing and I hear news reporters yelling out questions.I can't really explain the feeling I have in my chest,other than saying "my heart is alive." It's pumping and beating for what feels like the first time in a while.I've been waiting a long time for this moment to come.Years of planning and building and training,all leading up to this one moment.It feels good.If this were a movie,happy music would be playing.We finally reach the door to the craft,where I wave good-bye to all the cameras and people with,for the first time in a while,a sincere smile on my face.We climb up the maze of a ship I've erected and head for all our positions.I am,of course,piloting it,Wayde is next to me working communications.Monkey is behind us doing satelites.Dozer is next to him(he's the maintanance man.) And lastly,we have Repo watching the monitors and system controls..This is honestly the most excited I have ever been in my life.Everyone else is euphoric as well,you can just tell by the expressions on their faces.Ground-control counts us down,I fire up the rockets,and the craft begins to lift.This is amazing,no complications.I guess you just have to thank the designer of the Acrux! We're passing through the skies and lifting at tremendous rate.I bet Peggy is at home watching it on T.V.We continue to pass through the skies and soon,we'll be up in the stars.Ah,space,the final frontier.

"All operating systems are in check Wolf(which is what they call me because I am the leader of the wolf-pack.I didn't pick the name)." I hear behind me from Repo.
"Roger!" I reply,I've always wanted to say that.The Acrux finally passes the atmoshphere and now it's just the 5 of us,up passed the clouds.I start to gaze at the starts admiring their beauty.I wish you could see it for yourself,I simply can't describe it in words.For your sake however,I will try.I can see stars dancing around,swaying past each other.I see moons burning with bright fury.I look to one of the monitors and see a picture of the firery sun that Monkey captured with a satelite.Constellations and star clusters,everything I've always wanted to see,now just before my eyes.It's gorgeous.The big dipper,Orion's belt,all of these things,and I'm up here with them.I look back to my crew,all strapped in tight,they're all great guys.I love them all to death.Did I ever tell you what the Acrux's mission is? I can't believe I left that out! Right now,we're studying the different kinds of particles that drift through space.We open our vents for 2 or 3 seconds,and take an analysis of what different kinds of particles that are in the Acrux.We then study and observe them.The sights and sounds are all just so beautiful.I finally feel as though I'm accomplishing something.Something bigger than myself.

The first few hours pass by like minutes.It's like time flys by up here.I keep a watch with me so I don't lose the concept of time.From what I hear,that's huge when it comes to keeping your sanity.I still think this whole going crazy in space thing is silly-I'm better than that.Pretty soon I look at my clock and 7 hours have already passed by.It only feels like it's been 5 minutes.Everyone else is shocked about this too.The studying the particles takes up probably 2/5 of the day(day?) The rest of it is just stories about life and how much we miss our wives.I wonder what Peggy is doing right now...I hope she knows we're safe.I really do miss her,and I think about her every single day.I really can't wait 'til we see each other again

To:Samantha Woods
3838 North Bridge DR.
Springfield,Pennyslvania
23855

Dear Cousin,
It's now been a total of 3 months since Dan has left.I do appreciate you sending the letter you did,asking how I'm doing.I'm doing fine actually.It is different not having Dan here everyday and I do get lonely often.I really didn't want him to leave,but there's nothing I can do about that now.I get a call every week from the station telling me he's still safe,this makes me feel much easier.But,I still do regret letting him go.I'm still great nonetheless.I have friends and relatives over pretty much daily at this point.They keep me occupied.I don't want you to worry about me.I'm still the same ol' Peggy you Woods' love.I look forward to your reply.

With love,
Peggy Jones

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6 long months down and I'm starting to feel it.I used to think cracking was silly,but I could kind of see it now.We lost Monkey 2 months ago.He fell down a cooling shaft.My heart goes out to Darliene,his widow.The others seem to be doing fine,but i'm starting to feel the pressure.Some days I feel more apathetic than others,but over-all I still have remained to keep my cool.The studies are becoming inconclusive and I've yet to pin-point the exact elements that some of these particles are made of.It makes me mad and I start throwing things around.The others get worried about my health,and idiot Wayde doesn't leave me alone sometimes.What really helps is looking at the stars.It makes me leave all my emotions,feeling,convictions,beliefs,everything,all behind.Every "night" I stare at the stars and moons for hours.It's hard sleeping on the Acrux.Its loud engines roar in my ears every single night when I'm going to sleep.It's alot harder without Monkey.He was the class-clown of the bunch and he kept spirits high.Now,it's hard finding encouragement most the time.

What is really hard is not fighting with the guys.I love them all,but seeing them every hour of every day is starting to wear on me.Sometimes Dozer will just try to make a joke and I lash out on him and remind him that this "is a serious mission." I often times wonder if this is a serious mission or not.I mean,what does it matter if certain particles are made of such-and-such material.Maybe it is stupid like Peggy said.I miss her more and more every day.She used to be my moon-light.Now I just have the stupid moon.Don't get me wrong,the moon is beautiful,but it doesn't love me back.

"What do you think the first thing you'll do when you get back is?" Wayde asks us all.
"Man,when I get back,I think I'm just gonna kiss the ground for 10 minutes,you know?" Dozer replies
"Yeah man,I'm probably gonna do that too.I sure do miss Earth.I'm also gonna buy myself something nice." Repo says(it must be kind of nice not being married.)
"I'm gonna kiss Peggy for 10 minutes." I say.
"That's probably rough bro!" Wayde says
"Yeah,it's not the easiest thing.I miss her every single day,ya know.I just want to see her and dance with her again.Like we used to do before the launch." I see I'm now romanticizing the past.It's not that we never danced,but we certainly didn't dance every single day or anything.Now all I got are these meatheads to dance with.
"I'm gonna take Sandy to the nicest restraunt I can find,and buy her the nicest thing on the menu." Wayde says with a grin.That certainly sounds nicer than these "processed food products" we have to eat daily.They don't taste bad,but I tire of eating them for every meal.
"Can't wait to land." I say under my breath,not directed towards anyone,but just to fill the silent gap.
"Well,I'm heading for bed.I'm tired.Who wants to skip expierementation tomorrow,and maybe play cards or something?" says Wayde.
"Yeah," I begin,"sounds good Wayde.I'm going to bed too." We turn off the lights and head for our beds
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm lying in bed and I'm beginning to sweat.My throat's all dry and scratchy.I don't feel sick,but I don't feel right either.I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs,or maybe just relaxing into a never-ending sleep.I'm tired of being tired.It's starting to get worse actually.I always feel really exhausted.My eyes burn,and my ears feel like they need to pop.My stomach is churning too.My ears are ringing now.I don't want to crack,or do I? Possibly.Maybe I'll just be strong and fight it off,or maybe I'll go to sleep and wake up a totally different person tomorrow.I'll go with option A,but option B sounds more fun.Fun? Maybe.Maybe being crazy is alot cooler than other people make it sound.Wait,I'm not crazy.Am I crazy? Monkey was crazy.You'd have to be to fall down a cooling shaft.Maybe someone pushed him.Maybe I pushed him.No,I wouldn't do that.I coudn't ruin my reputation like that.Maybe Repo did.Repo always hated Monkey,or did he love him? Maybe they were brothers? I can't remember.I'm so tired.Going crazy feels funny.No,I'm not crazy.The rest of them are crazy.That makes more sense to me.My head hurts.I don't like feeling like this,I don't.I'm tired.I fall asleep

I wake up the next morning.I had a sceary dream,and I don't really feel like talking about.All the guys are gathered around me.
"Is he okay now? He had me worried." I hear from one of them
"Wolf,Wolf,you okay man?"
"Am I okay?" I say under my crackling breath.
"Yeah man,you were throwing your arms all around.Said something about how Repo pushed Monkey down the cooling shaft.Bad dream?"
"When was I doing that?"
"Just now man.Ah man,you don't look so good.We should get Wayde in here."
I then hear Dozer screaming for Wayde at a volume level that seems unfit for man.Wayde walks into the room.
"Yeah,what's going on?"
"Wayde,you gotta check Wolf out.He's not acting himself."
Wayde then questions me for an hour about what's wrong and what i'm feeling inside my head.Honestly,I'm not feeling anything inside my head,or anything for that matter.I don't know if it was last night,or a while ago that it happened,but I feel completely apathetic.I feel like this whole mission is utter waste of money and time.Why did I come up here in the first place? Was it for a better life? I don't think so.I'm starting to see that it was all for me really.For my own pride,so that my name might be remembered by a few people for a few years.When it all comes down to it though,if they teach about me in schools,the kids won't want to hear it.If they show me on the news,people won't want to see it.Gah,people are selfish it makes me sick.I'm so selfish it makes me sick too though.Or am I? Yeah probably.No,I'm up here for my country and for my family! Right? No I don't think so.I think I'm up here for my own gain.Where am I again? Oh yeah,I'm in space.Gosh,it gets hard to remember sometimes.Things are hard.Life is hard.I want to go look at the stars.

I'm staring at the stars minding my own business when Wayne comes in.No,sorry,Wayde.
"Wolf,I think we should cut the mission short.I think you're about ready to go home."
"But we're not done yet!"
"Yeah,but I honestly think you're losing your mind.You can't seem to manage right anymore."
I smerk and turn to him,"But I think I've already lost it."
He starts laughing thinking it's a joke,which it may have been,I can't remember.
"So,it's best if we cut the mission and head back home.Don't you miss Peggy?"
"Peggy?Who's Peggy?"
"You don't remember Peggy?
"You don't?" I say as I look at him with a strange look.
"Of course I remember Peggy.She's your wife.Remember?"
"No..."
"Yes,Peggy is your wife Dan.Stop playing me."
"I'm not playing you.Peggy is your wife."
"No,Dan,she is certainly your wife."
"Who?"
"Peggy"
"Who's that?"
"I'm really worried Dan."
"About Peggy?" I say yawning
"No,Dan,about you! You're all screwed up man.We gotta get you off of the Acrux soon."
"What is the Acrux Soon?"
"Dan,I gotta go.Change of plans.We're going back home this week."
"But I don't want to go home!"
"Yeah you do,trust me."
Wayne walks out of the room.I don't like Wayne anymore.I go lay down

I wake from my nap,and I can tell the Acrux is moving.Wayne and Rogue must be flying this thing back home.It's about time.I'm sick of space.My head hurts and I think I could go back to sleep,but that would make me feel lazy.Maybe it would be good.I know I'm all screwed up.I always wondered if someone knew they were crazy when they were,and the answer to that is yes.I don't think I'm completely crazy,I just think I need rest.Thinking about it,I've never really rested since we got up here.Rest sounds really good right now.Wayne,Rogue,and Dylan need me though(I think.) I actually think I'll go back to bed.More rest wouldn't hurt I guess.Maybe if I stand up,I'll wake up more.But I think I might get sick if I did that.It's probably best if I just go back to sleep.I shut my eyes and keep repeating to myself in my head,"I'll be home soon.I'll be home soon.I'll be home soon.I'll be home soon.I'll be home soon...."

Wayde's Journal:Entry 67.

We're taking the Acrux back to Earth today.Wolf's all crazy now.I trusted him and thought he'd be okay,but I've been wrong before I guess...
He's pretty messed up.He can't seem to get names and places right.Keeps calling me Wayne.I hope he gets better when we land.He should get better when we land.He's not all nuts and I don't think he's gonna kill anyone or anything,he just needs some rest.He's never been the most peaceful guy,this is probably just working him too hard.We'll have to see what's in store tomorrow.We'll probably land around 8:30 p.m. Hope he's okay
-Wayde 7-13-03

I wake up and I don't feel the sensation of moving anymore.I wonder if we landed.The hope of this happening actually motivates me to stand up and walk around the room.I've been so miserable lately that I didn't even want to move.It's a terrible feeling.I hope you never have to feel it.I walk out of the room and see Wayne sitting talking to the rest of the guys
"Wayne,did we land?!"
"It's Wayde remeber? And to answer your question,yes.We're finally back home Dan-O."
"Awesome...that's just awesome!" I say smiling for the first time in a while
"Can I go outside?" I ask him with that same smile
"Yeah man,we've been waiting for you." Wayde goes for the door and twists the wheel and sunlight comes peering through the cracked door.I feel like I'm seeing Heaven.I forgot how gorgeous Earth is.You get tired of being in the same old industrial capsule everyday.I feel our world's wind come breezing in and filling my lungs with its oxygen again.It feels amazing.I can't wait to get home and see Bridget,or Sammi,or something...I can't remember right now.I step out and start walking down the bridge I walked before with great expectations,now I'm just happy to be on a bridge on Earth.I trip over my own legs and fall down a couple of times.Oh well.It's great,you know? We all walk.Cameras are flashing and journalists are barking questions.I don't really care about that.I just want to go home.I push through the crowd and head for my car.Of course I sign a few things and take a few pictures,but I just want to get home to Sammi.

I swing open the car door and start to sit down.Everyone is wanting to talk to me,but I honestly don't care to talk to them.It sounds heartless,but I just want to get home to Peggy.I say bye really quick and head out of the parking lot.I must be driving at 70 miles per hour it feels like,or maybe everything is just more exciting for some reason.I finally reach the house and pull into the driveway.I see Peggy sitting and talking with a neighbour.I get out of the car and just stand there.I'm trying to think of something to say;somehow verbalize how beautiful I find Peggy at this moment.Words fall very short and I consider running over and hugging her like she's never been hugged before.She doesn't know what to do either.She just starts crying.I do too.We both meet each other halfway and I take her in my arms.I attach myself to her and promise to myself in my head,"I'm never letting go."All we can seem to do is just say each other's names.It's all I can get out.I feel somewhat reborn in my mind.I know for a fact I hadn't treated Peggy like I should have.I feel her pale skin for the first time in what feels like 2 eternities.Her tears run down my face and neck and my tears do the same."Oh,Peggy.""Oh,Dan." "Oh,Peggy.""Oh,Dan." "Oh,Peggy." "Oh,Dan."

The person she was talking with must have gotten up and left,she's not there anymore.Peggy and I walk into our house just like we used to do every single day(only now I understand how beautiful that is.) We sit down at the table in the dinning room and talk for hours.I tell her about what it was like,all the expierences,all the thoughts of her I had.I tell her every single detail leaving nothing out.I could talk to her for weeks I feel;about nothing.I hold her hand the entire time.My hand goes numb and stays that way the entire night.We stay up all night talking,hugging,kissing,snuggling.I wouldn't let her go,can't let her go.I think she is the only thing that kept me sane up there.If she wasn't waiting for me,I would have cracked.She doesn't know this,I don't tell her.It strangely makes it more romantic.I'll hold her forever.I could never let go of her.My Peggy,my love,I could never let go of her

To:Samantha Woods
3838 North Bridge DR.
Springfield,Pennyslvania
23855

Dear Cousin,
It has now been 2 months since Dan returned.At first,it was everything I dreamed it would be.But as of late,he's been a just a big pain in the neck.All he does now is stay at home,sit on the couch,and watch movies.The doctor thinks it has to do with the Acrux,some sort of permanent damage the mission caused.Curse that thing! I hope he gets over it soon.I'm worried for him.Please don't tell him any of these things.I will remain worried I fear.
Your Cousin,
Peggy Jones

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm sitting on the sofa watching an Indiana Jones movie.It's the new one they made not too long ago.Peggy's out jogging.She keeps telling me to get off this sofa and find a hobby.The Acrux,though it was cut short,still gave us the cash to live comfortably without me working.So,this kind of my life now.I lay here,watch movies,and listen to some of my tapes occasionally.I've been thinking about finding a job just to keep me from going wacky.I actually might start looking here soon.I'm expecting Peggy to get here,yell at me,then go to bed and we'll do the same thing tomorrow.What happened to us? Just 2 months ago I was holding her sobbing,now listen to how I talk to her.I hate myself for it.I guess I'm just being selfish.I'm finding more and more how all of my motives are selfish.I went to space so I could feel bigger than I am,I nearly lost my mind and ruined the mission because...I actually don't know,I held and kissed Peggs for hours the night of my return just because it made ME feel good inside.Is that what romance is for?ME? All of these things were all for me...eh...

I hear Peggy open the door and Cosmos comes flying through the room from the kitchen."Hi Peggy!" I say with more life than usual
"Hey dear.You seem quite lively.What's going on?"
"Nothing," I pause,"I just know I haven't been treating you right these past couple weeks."
"No,no you have not been."
"But," I interject,"I want to go on a little date with you tomorrow."
"That sounds wonderful Daniel.Where are we going?"
"I'm thinking the food court,Taco Bell..."
"Dan,I'd want nothing more than that."
I feel good about that.Maybe I can patch up things.It's finally something I feel I'm not being selfish about.Hopefully it will go somewhere

The alarm clock wakes me up.8:15 a.m. I don't want to get up but I do.Big date today.We do our usual routines and find ourselves at the mall.Entrance D this time actually.Something happened on the way here.I saw a bird fly into a window and die.This shouldn't bother me but it is.It makes me think about Monkey.This is such a sucky feeling.I dont know why that is bothering me.Just a bird that probably doesn't even have a soul.But I see it die and now it feels like my day is ruined.I get out of the car and instantly fall over.I hear Peggy scream my name as I collapse to the ground.What spawned this strange feeling? What died again? Did a monkey die? A bird? I don't remember.I'm trying to remember where I'm at.I think I'm on the Acrux...I black out.

I wake up on a bench outside the movie theater.Peggy is standing over me with a bottle of orange juice telling me I should drink it and it will make me feel better.
"What...what just happened?
"I have no idea.We had just gotten out of the car when you passed out.Are you okay?"
"I don't think so.I feel really tired.But,I also feel really energetic some how.Just let me stand up."
I get up and I feel balanced out again.Physically I'm good now,but some of those apathetic feeling come to me.I hate when I get like this.I don't know how to describe it or if you even care to know,but I think the mission and Acrux screwed me all up.A good 3/4 of the time I get this feeling.A feeling of hopelesness,anxiety,apathy,sarcasm,pain,sickness,twisted humor...pain.I dare never tell Peggy about it.I would spend 20 hours of my week on a couch talking to a guy with a huge bookshelf and a wall of framed degrees,who gets paid to care about my feeling.I take it like a man and keep the date going.

The feeling still lingers.We order our food and sit down to an otherwise nice meal.Peggy makes silly jokes hoping to get some form of interest from me.I just sit there robotically chewing,hoping I get alot of sleep tonight.I hate that I get like this.Maybe I should try to be more normal,but trying seems like a very tiresome act and I lose interest.So we sit and eat.We throw our things away and decide to look around.I pass by two kids that are talking about how their friend "is a fag for getting an iPod nano instead of an iPod touch." Ah,the next generation.I really hate teen-agers.I don't know how annoying I was,but I know I wasn't that annoying.They're so vain and A.D.D.They probably get distracted by shiney,red balls.Kids..eh...This date proved to be a waste of time.I would have been happier if Peggy and I just stayed home and ate lunch together in our kitchen.Life goes on I guess...

It's been a few weeks and I feel as desperate as ever.I'm just sitting here listening to Soundgarden's "Black Hole Sun." I've never connected to lyrics like I have these.I've had the song on repeat for at least 15 times now.Peggy keeps asking me why I leave it on repeat,and I miserably reply,"I don't know." I'm such a selfish person.Peggy goes out of her way daily to try to make me feel better and all I can do is stare at her with my sad,stinging eyes and reply with my desperate,monotone voice.I hate myself.I really do.I've come to discover everything I've ever done has always been for myself.I'm always looking for my own gain or my own interest in everything.Everything I am is just because I want it to be that way.I change for no one,I serve no one,I'm concerned for no one,I love no one,except myself.I don't know what it took for me to realize this.Maybe the launch,the mission,the landing,the reunion with my love,I don't know,but I know I see things for what they really are now.It's all about me...I hate myself.

Peggy and I are arguing now.We argue every single day now.She's screaming at me because I accidently left the front door open and Cosmos ran out and we can't find him now.She screams at me everyday now.I could lower myself and apologize and love her in humility,but I usually just nod my head,laugh a little and leave the room.I don't know what to do about it.She's screaming and I bet the neighbours think we're freaks.I sit through the lecture still thinking about my condition and myself,see,always about "me" and "myself." I don't know what she's saying.Finally I get sick of it.I've sat through these arguments for too long.I run to the kitchen.I hear her screaming "Where are you going?" I head for the kitchen.I don't know what I'm doing.I hate myself.My mouth is dry and I have butterflies in my stomach.I hate myself.I'm sweating now.I hate myself.I bite my tongue.I hate her.I open up the drawer.I hate her and I together.I hate these feeling.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.
I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.
I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.
I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I hate myself.I'm starting to black out.I see a knife in my hand.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.I love Peggy.She's still screaming.All I can think about is myself.I can think about are my problems.She's my problem.She's always here.I love her.I hate her.She kills me.I live for her.I live for myself,breathe for myself,feed myself,serve myself,love myself.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I hate Peggy.I start stabbing her.Soon my problems will go away.She seems scared.She knows I love her,right? I love Peggy.Who is Peggy? Is this my house?Who is that? Why are they bleeding? She didn't want me to go to space,but I did it anway because I wanted to.Had to look out for Number 1 ya know.I went.I did what I wanted to do.Always did what I wanted to.I love myself,I do not love Peggy.I feel sleepy.I black out

I wake up from sleep and i feel strangely peaceful.I don't remember much.I just remember fighting with Peggy.I stand up and see blood all over the carpet.What happened? I stand up and see something.I see something just horrible.I cannot beleieve what I see.I see there,on the ground in pieces,my Peggy.I remember what happened.I cry.I'm engulfed by an inferno of regret and remorse.I'm sorry.I'm so sorry.Why did I do that? I begin screaming and crying as loud as I can.My Peggy...why did I do this? I can't blame this on a mental breakdown,I was full aware of what I was doing.My peace is now shattered.Why did I go on that bloody hunk of machinery,my "life's work",my Acrux.I'm so sorry Peggy.I'm so so sorry.I feel.I don't feel dead anymore,but I certainly don't feel alive.My Peggy,I'm so sorry.I did this.My selfish self did this.I know I did this.I no longer hear her breathing,I no longer feel her life,I no longer taste her ruby-red lips.I did this.I DID THIS.I killed my Pegs.My love.I did it.Why? Because of me.I went into space because of me,I went crazy and snapped because of me,I carried on with such a rotten attitude because of me,I've killed my love because of me.Me,me,me,me,me,me,me.That's all I've ever thought of.I never loved Peggy.I simply loved the idea of Peggy.That warm presence that comforted ME,made ME feel alive inside.Me,me,me.That's all I cared about.I love you Peggy.I'm sorry Peggy.I'm horribly and terribly selfish because I want to be.I pick her up and weep.I'm so sorry.

I'm holding her;I've taken her breath away.

The heart is deceitful above all things,
And desperately wicked;
Who can know it?
Jeremiah 17:9

"What have I become my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end.And you can have it all,my empire of dirt.I will let you down,I will make you hurt."
-"Hurt"