I Have to Pee

Women’s

I push the door and beyond I see

The female eye

Spec-ula-ting

They see my rejection

My pierced tongue

My speed

To fall into the category

-dyke

So quickly

 

Picking away

At all I am

The hair the clothes

The lack of fake tan

of my unplucked brow

Hairy legs too

Of masculine energy

And faded shoes

 

“it’s unwound”

“it’s abused”

"It’s unfound"

"It’s amus-

Ing how fucked up

A dog that’s kicked around

 enough can look"

 

But after all the picking,

the contempt

the boxes

How I fit in

in a society I feel

so lost in

 

They never got down deep enough

 to pick at

 my heart

 

So I decide to start

Over at Men’s,

 

A fear for my safety

So I just try to bend

Even further

And lean into

His role

But try not to hurt Her

The feminine within me

 

That still calls attention

 at surface level

Perhaps niether

perhaps both

An ungendered devil

 

 

For He picks at me, too

Pansy

Freak

Outlaw

Weak

Lacking in manhood

A penis, unfound

Becomes hard to hide

Under harsh florescent light

And aided by expectation

Of urination, upright.

 

But they still didn’t find Me

Their speculation

No lesser

or uninvolved

Than their biological counterpart

Am I fe/male--:

Unsolved

 

Still remains my heart

A practical piece

A great way to start

A good way to tease

 

So I rush out both doors

And begin to squirm

My bladder is full

My choice is unlearned

 

But as I rebuild

From being picked away

My vision swarms and tilts

Slithering to clarity, from former disarray

 

To find that I was alone--

Alone this whole time

No eyes were watching

No staring unkind

No frivolous judgement

No gendered intent

But really just me

Alone with my thoughts

An awful way to be

Be you me, or robot

 

Left with a decision

A full bladder

A mission

So simple it tears me apart:

To one day be seen

As an ungendered heart