Parcel for you....Part 36

 

Vanessa had brought her husband a smart new jacket for their hotel stay, fashioned from leather in dark brown, not too trendy but a change from his usual dull navy fleece. She too had dressed up, changed her earrings and applied make-up and perfume. They were just little upgrades which helped to make her birthday getaway feel special.

 

Spencer had been given a couple of days to gen up on standard male behaviour and the characteristics of the average husband. He seemed excited about the trip, standing in the hall with his holdall at his feet, there wasn’t much in it, a change of clothing, his laptop, Vanessa had packed for him.

 

‘So when can we start?’

 

‘Start what? We’re not there yet, Spencer,’ Vanessa was plodding down the stairs in heeled boots, ‘I’m planning to leave in half an hour. We don’t want to be early because they won’t let us in. They have to get our room ready.’

 

‘I understand..but when can I start my new behaviour, the average annoying man thing?’

 

Vanessa laughed. ‘Not yet, I’m not ready and you don’t have to be that annoying, just a bit more normal and human-like. I just want to feel like everything’s normal, that’s all I ever want. It’s been a long time since I felt like that. Have you seen my car keys? I thought they were on the kitchen table.’

 

Spencer tutted, ‘When did you last have them?

 

She gave him a sideways look, ‘Mmmm, I haven’t heard that tutting sound from you before and if I could remember where I last had them then I’d know where they were, wouldn’t I.’

 

‘You’re making Charlie very stressed you know. We should just leave as soon as possible, traffic might be bad.’

 

Vanessa poured out some extra food for Charlie and petted him goodbye. She returned to the hall jangling the keys. ‘All set!’ she said, smiling and opening the front door but just as she stepped out, Spencer turned back and ran upstairs. ‘Spencer?’ There was no answer, she huffed and puffed then came back indoors and shouted up to him, ‘What are you doing?’

 

‘I’m just double checking all the windows,’ he said in a muffled voice, ‘making sure you haven’t left anything switched on.’

 

‘Why?’

 

‘It’s what men do.’

 

‘But you’ve had ages to do all that, if you’d really wanted to.’

 

Spencer leaned over the bannister. ‘Men tend to leave it until you’ve actually left the house though. They wait until you’re in the car then run back inside several times before a holiday.’

 

‘Okay,’ she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, ‘well you’ve done that now so we can leave.’

 

He came back down painfully slowly. ‘Okay, yes we can leave.’

 

‘It should only take an hour and a half,’ Vanessa said as they got into the car.

 

‘The satnav will have live information about traffic problems. Easy on the clutch, Vanessa,’ Spencer was craning his head left and right, repeatedly checking the road as she pulled out. ‘Okay, all clear, nothing coming, turn the wheel, turn the wheel.’

 

‘Spencer I pull out of this driveway, several times a week without you in the passenger seat. I don’t need you to look, I’m perfectly capable of checking for cars. I’ve never had a bump actually.’

 

‘Watch the wall!’

 

‘Oh, I’m not sure if I want to have this argument after all. I don’t think I’ve got the energy.’

 

‘This isn’t the argument though, it’s just me being a husband while my wife drives the car. The argument is planned for later. Do you know where you’re going?’

 

Vanessa laughed at the ridiculousness of their situation and reminded herself that it was all contrived. ‘Yes I do. I’m going to put on your favourite synthesiser music now, even though I hate it, so you can just relax until we get there.’

 

It was a beautiful, clear day, cool with blue skies, the landscape changed from flat suburbia to the dull drone of the motorway then green hills and black pointed mountains. 

 

‘What’s that?’ Spencer shot up from his seat and peered out of the window.

 

‘That’s a sheep.’

 

‘Why are there so many?’

 

‘They just live here, Spencer.’ 

 

The hotel was one of those slightly tired establishments, a once grand, wide stone buildings in the countryside with its own restaurant, beautiful green views, signs by the front door; AA ***, Les Routiers and lots of leaflets in the hallway about local attractions.There wouldn’t be any real need for them to leave the site, especially since they were only there for one night.

 

‘Please act very normal, Spencer and carry our bags to the reception.’

 

The receptionist did a double take at Spencer and she handed over the key but Vanessa held her husband’s hand defiantly and stared at the young woman until she looked away. She later heard her whispering to her colleague as they went up the stairs towards the bedrooms. The room key was an old fashioned one and didn’t turn smoothly, she wiggled it in the lock. ‘Have they given me the wrong key?’

 

‘Take it out again,’ said Spencer, ‘now put it back in and turn it smoothly in an anti-clockwise direction. It’s just physics, moving it violently up and down like that won’t release the mechanism.’

 

Vanessa rolled her eyes and handed him the key.  He unlocked the door without issue, smiling annoyingly. ‘After you,’ he gestured to his wife.

 

The room was painted in cold white with black beams on the ceilings, red carpet and a very wide bed covered with a chintzy floral duvet. Vanessa went around inspecting the cleanliness, it smelled clean or rather or cleaning products but also slightly musty and of old things. ‘These places always feel a bit grubby even when they’re clean,’ she said.

 

‘Well you chose it, Vanessa.’

 

‘I know but the alternative was a Premier Inn type place and those are too sterile. I didn’t like the idea of being with you in one of those places, plus you can’t open the windows.’

 

Spencer stared at the bed. ‘The bed looks amazing. I didn’t know you could get such large-sized beds.’

 

‘Well, it’s my birthday so I booked the honeymoon suite. It’s also got a whirlpool bath, not for you mind but I’ll be in there later.’

 

‘So this is our honeymoon?’

 

Vanessa laughed. ‘I suppose it could be.’

 

Spencer was still fascinated by the width of the bed, he held out his arms to measure it against the width of his arm span, then he pulled back the duvet. ‘I’m getting in,’ he said.

 

‘At least take off your jacket,’

 

 

‘I just want to try it out,’ he launched himself onto the mattress, landing sideways in the centre, ‘it’s sucking me in Vanessa. Help! The mattress is eating me.’

 

Vanessa stopped away from the window where she’d been admiring the view. She laughed as she saw Spencer face down wriggling on the bed. ‘What on earth are you doing?’

 

‘I’m stuck, there’s a gap in the middle of the bed. It’s got hold of me!’

 

‘It’s just two single beds pushed together, that’s what they do, in case people want twin beds.’

 

‘I can’t get my arm out though.’

 

Vanessa grabbed hold of his other arm and pulled. ‘Gosh, you really are stuck.’ She yanked him hard, he was lighter than your average man.

 

‘I felt something come apart,’ said Spencer, ‘in my body, and I’m still stuck.’

 

‘Hang on,’ Vanessa crouched down and saw that the two single divans were hooked together by a metal lever, she opened it and split the beds apart. Spencer fell into the gap, she fell about laughing before holding out her hand to pull him out.

 

He tried to lift his arm but somehow he couldn’t raise it. ‘There’s something wrong with this arm,’ he said, pushing down on the mattress with his other arm to launch himself out of the gap.

 

‘What do you mean?’

 

‘My arm, it’s not working properly, it’s not attached to my shoulder properly. I think when you tried to pull me out, you pulled too hard, you pulled it out. That’s the trouble with not feeling pain, I can’t really tell when I’m in danger of breaking.’

 

‘Oh no.’ Vanessa observed his arm hanging down. He looked like a puppet with nobody pulling his strings. ‘What do we do now?’