Consequences - Chapter 33

CHAPTER 33 - Mary’s Journal

December 2nd

While Charles was at work today, I chanced to see his diaries and gazed through to find out what I could of his interest in Adelaide. I was surprised to find she has a child, born two years ago, living with her and her parents. I wonder who the father is. She does not use a married name so the child is no doubt illegitimate. Who am I to cast stones?

December 3rd

Charles informs me that a man called John Brown who in October led a raid in Virginia in America which was the signal for a slave rebellion has now been captured. I wonder what Harriet Beacher Stowe thought about all of that.

December 5th

I overheard my friend Emily whisper to Sophia the other day that she thinks there is something wrong with our Mary. She thinks she is not developing normally. Of course they both already have children and know more about what to expect in the way of development. I got the impression that Emily felt this was my fault because I had suppressed her in the womb in the attempt to conceal my pregnancy all those months. Dear God, are you going to punish me forever? Apparently she is not smiling as a baby of her age would be expected to do, and she doesn’t yet hold her head up unsupported. I have no comparison to make. I have thought her very good, when in fact perhaps she is abnormally good because she hasn’t the wit to be anything else.

December 6th

I asked Charles for more details about the Hilbournes last night, hoping to find out how he regards Adelaide in particular. I let it slip that knew that Mr. Hilbourne wanted Charles to marry her at one stage. He was silent and then glared at me.

“How did you know that? Who told you that? You’ve been reading my diaries!”

I had to admit that I had glanced at them and that I didn’t feel married couples should have secrets. He asked me if I was willing for him to read my journal, and I said no, but then agreed that he could if he wanted, but he only shrugged it off. He says that I am obsessed with jealousy over his old friends and that there is no cause whatsoever.

December 9th

Charles is very upset to hear about the death of one of his favourite authors – Thomas De Quincy whose autobiography is called Confessions of an English Opium Eater. According to Charles the book was an instant success and an important inspiration for other writers.

Not many weeks ago, Washington Irving, another of Charles’ favourites died. Charles says Irving has been called the father of the American short story and is best known for The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. He also wrote Rip Van Winkle, about a man who falls asleep for 20 years. How tempting that sounds right now.

How short is our influence upon this world – although I suppose as they were authors, their words will greatly outlive them.

December 15

I eventually told Charles my fears about Mary. He says he will make enquiries and we can take her to a baby doctor to see if what they think of the situation. He says there are things we can do to help her progress. Perhaps if she smiled at me I might care for her more. Charles says if I loved her more, she might smile at me. If I smiled at her more, she might learn how to smile. But my guilt keeps me from loving her.

Charles has written this poem for baby Mary.

Art thou not dear unto my heart?

Oh search that place and see,

And from that bosom tear the part

That doth not beat of thee.

Yes thou are dear unto my heart,

As dear as tongue can tell

And if I’m guilty of a fault

Tis loving thee too well.

I am so pleased that he can love her well, to make up for my feeble and weak attempts.
 

Charles’ Diary for December

1 December THURSDAY

Busy day at office. At Post Office with order, not paid owing to error in name. Jones has warned us against lending John cash, saying he is so fond of pleasure as to be somewhat reckless as to the means of securing it. I note his advice.

4 SUNDAY

Had quiet day, playing with Mary, and walking with the perambulator quietly in the lanes.

5 MONDAY

Received Punch magazine with cartoon which will cause no end of controversy. It shows a monkey called Monkeyana, with a sign on him saying, ‘Am I a Man and A Brother.’ This of course is a spoof on the medallion which Josiah Wedgwood (Darwin’s grandfather) made some 40 years ago, when he had a picture of an African slave in chains asking the same question.

There was also this poem.

Am I a Satyr or Man

Pray tell me who can,

And settle my place in the scale.

A man in ape’s shape,

An anthropoid ape,

Or monkey deprived of its tail.

Darwin’s book – sold 1250 copies in the first day.

6 TUESDAY

Mary continues to be agitated regarding my asking Adelaide to make me some shirts. She has been looking up details in my diaries about my past activities with Adelaide to feed her jealousy. She found out that Mr. Hilbourne had hoped that I would marry Adelaide, which was, of course, out of the question. She also found out that Adelaide has children & is as yet unmarried. She intimated that the children might be mine. We are not speaking at the moment.

8 THURSDAY

Letter from Father, now almost well again; no other news of import. Jones down in evening; balancing; writing diary up.

9 FRIDAY

Friday & Saturday busy at office; reading Household Words. Mary seems as distant as can be. Makes being home an awkward time.

11 SUNDAY

This morning at garden before breakfast; afterwards copied out article for the ‘Pen Ink & Paper’ Clerk's Elysium with Bellerby's beautiful & tasteful heading which he had sent me for it. Harry has now got all the contributions in for our magazine it only requires a small effort on his part to get it out. Wrote home to Father. Went to lecture which was a regular failure; the lecturer being some vulgar being who could read, not over grammatically & had acted as agent to some money hunter.

13 TUESDAY

Letters from Ned & George Thackray; the latter by now well in his business encloses a specimen of his work; Ned's letter mainly bears on poultry & his coming over in summer. Jones came down in the evening to the office, long talk etc. walks. Wrote to Charley Cox last evening as to the P I & P, my Ludlow trip, the editorship of the next he is proffering to take.

15 THURSDAY

Mary finally is speaking to me again. She is very concerned because of overhearing part of a conversation between her friends which intimated that they feel that baby Mary is not normal. They have older children to compare progress with & they implied that baby Mary should by now be smiling & holding up her head, which she does not seem able to do. I tried to reassure Mary that our baby is fine & that she will progress at her own rate & that there is nothing to worry about. Began a letter to William Dewse, but after my talk with Mary I shut it up as a dead failure.