B: Chapters 3 &; 4

Chapter 3

I must have slept, then, because it didn't seem like five minutes
before Jon appeared by my bed.

My brain struggled to place him, muddled by the heavy confusion of
sleep. I knew he wasn't a doctor or a nurse from A &;amp; E, because
he was in civvies, like the psych reg. Only better. But there was no
badge. So at first I thought he must be a visitor, and felt like if he
was visiting me then I should probably know who he was. It seemed rude
not to.
"Hello", I said, trying not to sound too blank.
"Hi". He pulled a chair up to my bed. Well, it was more of a trolley,
actually, and because it was quite high he seemed ridiculously far
down. I sat up so I could talk properly, but that made it worse so I
had to half lie down again, awkwardly propping myself up on my elbows.
Spotting my dilemma he grinned and stood up again.
"OK if I..?" He indicated the bed. I nodded and he perched on the side.
I still had no clue who he was.
"How are you feeling Jenny?" His voice was low and soft, so gentle that
I suddenly wondered if he was a priest on visiting duties. Or my
guardian angel or something.
"Really tired." My voice came out croaky. "My head feels better, I
think. But I'm not sure what's going to happen to me. I feel kind
of?lost." I'd got more used to talking to people.
The guy nodded as if I was making sense.
"It sounds like its been a really confusing time." He held my gaze as
he spoke. "I'm Jon, and I'm from Somerdell ward. I can take you over
there and then we can talk a bit more."
For a second my confusion won over and I thought he meant he was a
patient from the ward. But of course he couldn't be. He was staff, I
should have spotted it. A nurse probably, after all. Just a different
kind.

Chapter 4

We walked over to Somerdell. It was raining outside. I'd had no idea,
and realised that A &;amp; E must have no windows. The rain made it
seem darker than it should be for the time of day. Just gone five, Jon
said it was. He offered me his coat, but I said I'd be all right.

The buildings were more spaced out in this part of the hospital. There
were a few sparse trees planted on grassy banks in between the
buildings, and a few benches lined the pathways. A sign to the chapel
had been graffitied. As we passed a staff car park a steady stream of
cars pulled out, and I wondered who would be left. Jon didn't say much.
He just sometimes looked over at me and smiled.
"What time do you get to go home?" I asked. I thought I ought to hope I
wasn't keeping him late, but in truth I really didn't want him to leave
me.
"Oh, I'm on a late, so I'm here 'til nine."
"Oh," I shrugged, as if I didn't much care. I didn't want him to think
I was some kind of limpet.

The ward was a kind of halfway to hell when we arrived. There were
people everywhere, some talking, some just milling around. Down the
hallway someone screamed, then stopped, then screamed again. Over and
over. One girl was sitting on the floor in front of the reception desk
silently crying while people moved around above her. A long haired girl
about my age was manning reception and smiled to Jon as we came in. He
must have pointed out the crying girl to her, because she looked
confused, peered over the desk, and then walked around to the front.
Crouching down she softly touched the girl's shoulder.
"Come on Becky, its chaos here. You need to move or you'll get trodden
on. Shall we go to your room?" Becky sobbed louder, but she got up and
the two of them walked off arm in arm.

Jon was called into the office, so I had to wait outside. A man with
long black hair and a drooping moustache came and stared at me. His
coat was too small and two buttons had come off. A third one looked
like it was in trouble. He asked me if I had a cigarette. Eventually he
got distracted by a hospital porter wheeling in a huge blue trolley. I
thought it had to be food, and it was.

Some of the people who had been standing around came over and started
sorting out meals. The rest formed a straggly queue and waited for
their name to be called out. I tried to remember who was in which group
so that I could tell who the staff were. I thought I might as well join
the queue, but then Jon reappeared.

"Heh, Suz, have we got any dinner for Jenny?" He asked.
"Was any ordered?"
He shook his head. I felt like I was going to cry.
"Oh, hang on, there's one here for Ben, and he's on leave. She can have
that if she wants." I nodded and thanked god that I hadn't cried over
not getting dinner.
"She can have mine too, if she wants." It was the crying girl, who'd
reappeared with puffy eyes, and she must have been making a joke,
because everyone laughed.

I ended up sitting with her for dinner. Mine turned out to be steak and
kidney pie with mashed potato and green beans. I picked the pastry off
Ben's pie and ate it along with the vegetables. I was ravenous. Becky
listened with a kind of rapt awe when I told her that they hadn't given
me anything to eat all day, and then I figured out she was anorexic.
She did eat hers, but she kind of picked it all over and kept cutting
bits off it. Oh well, I thought, looking ravenously at the pile of
steak and kidney left on my plate, I'll tell them I'm vegetarian
tomorrow. Luckily Ben must have a big appetite, because he'd ordered me
treacle sponge and custard as well.

There was a member of staff with us too. Jon had introduced us - she
was called Ellie - and told me she'd be with me this evening. I'd
thought it was a bit over the top, that these busy nurses surely
couldn't have time just to hang around making me feel welcome. Then
Becky explained that she was 'specialling' me.
"You know, watching you. They do it for suicide attempters for the
first twenty-four hours. Just watch you."
I looked at Ellie, who actually seemed to be doing anything but
watching me at that point in time. She was texting someone.
"You should wait til they get you on close obs," Becky continued
quietly, rolling her eyes, "then they can't go more than an arms length
away from you - toilet and all."
"Eugh. She's not going to??" Ellie looked up and laughed.
"No, I'm not," she said. "But you will have to leave the door unlocked.
Don't worry, I'll watch no one else comes near."

When I got up to go with Becky to the smoke room, she followed. I
wanted the company - Becky's - more than the fag. Not one of my vices,
really. Well, not very often.

The smoke room was clearly the hub of the ward, and quite a few of
those who had sat around us eating had now retired here for a
post-prandial puff. There was a hunched man in a wheelchair
strategically positioned by a raised ashtray. It seemed odd, seeing the
physical manifestations of his disability. You couldn't quite tell what
was wrong with any of the others. But of course he wasn't here because
of his wheelchair either.
"Cup of tea, anyone?" This was asked by a neat, grey haired woman. A
few nodded and grunted in reply. Becky shook her head.
"What about you dear?" She looked at me, so smiley and welcoming that I
wanted to hug her.
"Yeah, thanks. Shall I come and help?" It seemed too many cups for her
to carry on her own, but I soon felt stupid, because of course Ellie
had to get up and follow us too, stubbing out her cigarette with
annoyance.

The woman's name was Margaret, and she asked a lot of questions.
"Where do you come from, dearie?"
"Have you got a young man?"
"Is Jenny short for Jennifer? Such a pretty name."
"Wouldn't you rather get away from here and travel the world?"
She said this last accusingly, as if I'd chosen this place for a year
off instead of grape-picking in France. Then I wondered if she didn't
mean it for herself, really.