Ball-less

"I need to pee," I said when he first told me. I hoped the sound of my urine hitting the toilet bowl below would provide sufficient noise to block out the sound of voice, but no such luck. He was always so loud.

"I've got prostate cancer. I'm gonna be ball-less."

He walked back and forth down the hallway singing "ball-less". 

"Shut up, will you?"

"Come out, woman, you can't possibly pee for that long."

"Watch me."

"There isn't that much fluid in five people for God's sake."

"I'm not a person. I'm, like, a superperson."

"Oh Ali. You're losing it."

 

On Tuesday I don't drive him to his appointment. I just make him go with Jenna next door. 

"What?" I say when he gives me The Look. "She's got dialysis anyway. You can be, like, ill buddies."

"Gotta pee," I sing, going into the bathroom and shutting the door. 

"God, you peehead. Peehead. Ali. Peehead. I need to talk to you."

"Talk right on."

"Properly. Not like this."

"Screw off."

There's a pause, then a short laugh. "That's really bad wordplay."

Another pause. "What did you want to tell me?"

An audible shrug. "Your sick jokes are shitcakes." 

 

"I'm taking all the water out of this house. I am removing it, do you hear me?"

"Fine. I'll drink the tap water then."

"Got a round of chemo today. Wanna see me puke my guts back up?"

"Depends. What'd you eat for breakfast?"

"Your sexy face. Not. Oh c'mon Ali, one look. Just come out of the bloody bathroom."

"I'm...peeing."

"I'm going."

"Good. Good. Going sounds really good right now."

The door bangs shut. 

That moment when you're peeing and your tears are falling between your legs and the two sounds mix. 

 

On Thursday he's got no hair. 

"Hairless and ball-less. Spectacular."

"You got it."

"Could you feel it?" A little quieter, now.

"Feel what?"

"Your hair falling out."

"Uh. Um. No, not really. You?"

"Screw you." 

"Wish I could, baby. Wish I could. Wonder if I can get a pair of robot balls? You know? Every night you press a button and BOOM. There's your... your..."

"Fuck off."

"Exxxxactly."

 

"Alison, this is Jenna. Ed told me you're urinating a lot all the time. I underwent a similar experience. I was just wondering if I can help...?"

Can a face go red whilst peeing?

 

"How long do you have left?"

"I was going to ask you that question. I really gotta pee."

"I will be taking quite some time longer."

"Al, I was serious. I'm busting."

"And I'm dying. Can you not help me here?" Suddenly I was shouting. I don't know how that happened. 

He doesn't answer. I hear his soft footfalls on the carpet as he walks away.

 

On Saturday I come outside. There's a builder's quote lying on the table. 

"Ed, I'm-"

He smiles, holding up a cup of tea. "I'm getting a new toilet built."

"Ed-"

"I'll pay," he says, "I always do."