Coming Off

Three weeks ago, I told a Community Mental Health worker that I was addicted to ‘over the counter’ co-codamol. You know the ones; the soluble codeine and paracetamol tablets. I told her that I had been taking them daily for five years, although it’s probably more life eight, maybe ten, years.

It started ‘cos of my mum. She’d been off work a long time, arthritis and some tummy troubles hitting her so hard that some days she couldn’t even get out of bed. She would horde boxes of co-codamol in the kitchen cupboards and to this day, still takes them every day. At first, I probably took the odd couple, just for a headache, or snuffle or whatever; but then, without even a thought, I’d upped to eight a day, if not more. That’s about twenty three thousand three hundred and sixty tablets since then. I thought it may be time to stop.

Anyway, I admitted my addiction to the CMH worker, without really going into any detail; but hoping that my confession would provide me some gateway into accessing help. The CMH worker agreed that after that long, it was certainly going to be doing me some harm and that I really should talk to someone about it.

Even now, it still makes me smile that comment. I should talk to someone about it. I wish I’d come back quicker with, “I’m sorry, but that’s what I thought I was doing”, but the moment had already passed.

Coming off would be easier said than done. Within five hours, I got my first ‘codeine’ headache, a sure sign of withdrawal. They often warn you on the side of the box of these. Less severe than a migraine, but more nagging and intense than a normal headache. I took some soluble paracetamol that I had bought from tesco with a view that it will take the edge off. They are never quite so satisfying as co-codamol though; more bitter tasting usually. I’ve started to consider myself quite the soluble tablet connoisseur since realising the depth of my addiction. I reckon I could now pick out the subtle differences in types of co-codamol. The best ones are the blue and white boxed ones; usually found in boxes of a hundred at a time, but more rare now that pharmacy can’t sell you that many. The tablets are slightly stubbier than others and are shipped in foil rather than paper wrappers.

With my codeine headache subsiding a little, I then got toothache. I don’t know whether I am unique in this; but I’ve had them before when I’ve not had enough tablets. I scrub my teeth obsessively when toothache comes on and use mouthwash, hoping that keeping my mouth clean will stop the pain. And this time there was something new. My right ankle felt funny and I started to find it difficult to walk without limping. On investigation, I am sure I find a lump and wonder whether it is indicative of some deeper issue; perhaps I’m developing deep vein thrombosis.

That might have accounted for how cold I felt. In hope that the children are feeling it too, I turned the heating up high just in case. By the time bedtime came, the cold is literally shaking my bones. As I lay in bed it shakes down through my teeth, my arms spasm and my legs shake uncontrollably. Perhaps, I think, I am having a heart attack or some kind of other fit that I might not recover from.

Today I am doing everything I can to distract myself. Writing this; playing inane little games with my daughter and anxiously waiting for my son to wake up so that I can feed him. My legs are still aching like mad, but thankfully it’s raining and despite a sense of desperation to go buy some co-codamol, I don’t much fancy dragging us all into town. I do enjoy my little trips to the pharmacy though. Because I live in a small village now, I have to go to the same one every time. I can’t mix it up so much as I did when I lived in town. Invariably, it’s the same shop assistant as I lurk up to the counter, and she always has the same question, “have you taken these before?” Of course, of course I have. You sold me a box of thirty two three days ago for god’s sake. I always wonder whether she has realised that I am addicted.

In some states in the US, codeine based products have been banned from being sold over the counter. I’m not sure whether that’s true or something I have made up. If it is true, how would I cope? There’s no way I’d get them on prescription, so would I resort to similar lengths as a heroin or crack user to get a fix?