Julian asks about Father Christmas

"Mum, how many sleeps till Father Christmas comes?"
"Only a few more darling"

Ah, thats nice, he's getting excited about Christmas.

"How will he get into the house to give me the presents?"

Best be carefull here, could all go wrong. If I go the traditional way via the chimney it may lead to some awkward questions. If i go another way, like the front door, that could also go wrong. Stick with tradition.

"Well, as you already know, Father Christmas will come down the chimney"
"The chimney?"
"Yes darling, he always comes down the chimney"
"Will Daddy be annoyed?"
"Why?"
"Cos,a pigeon came down the chimney once and caused a big mess in the front room and Daddy went mad!"

Ok keep calm, easily remedied.

"No Darling, no mess, Father Christmas has been doing it for a very long time and he knows how to come down a chimney with no mess"

Good answer.

"Will Daddy kill Father Christmas?"
"Why would he do that?"
"He killed the pigeon when it came down"
"No of course not, Daddy only killed the pigeon because it had hurt itself when it fell down the chimney"
"What if Father Christmas hurts himself coming down the chimney, will Daddy kill him then?"
"No, no, Daddy will not kill Father Christmas"

Oh no,should have gone for the front door!

"Would Daddy call an ambulance?"
"Er yes, if Father Christmas hurt himself he would"
"What if Father Christmas came down the chimney and hit his head on one of the bricks in the fire and died, what would happen then?"
"Thats not going to happen, Father Christmas will slide down the chimney feet first and land on his feet so he will be fine"

That should put it to rest.

"What if he gets his foot caught in the bricks and breaks his leg?"
"No, no, no, FATHER CHRISTMAS WILL NOT HURT HIMSELF!"

Must stop shouting at him and stay calm, its only 8.12am for gods sake.

"What about the reindeers?"
"What about them?"
"What if they fall off the roof and hurt themselves, what would happen then?"

Thats it! Go the other direction fast.

"I,ve just heard on the radio that Father Christmas is not coming down chimneys this year because its too dangerous, he's going to use the front door!"

That should do it.

"How will he get in?"
"He's got keys"
"What, to everyones house?"
"Yep, its one special key that fits all doors, its a magic key!!"

Got him, he's got no where to go now.

"What about the alarm?"
"WHAT?"
"Won't he set off the alarm?"
"NO, WE WONT SET THE ALARM"
"What about burglars?"
"THERE ARE NO BURGLARS!"
"But you always say that we have to set the alarm in case of burglars"

Ok, deep breaths, stop shouting, keep calm. think, think.

"Well, all the burglars are in bed on that night because they are waiting for Father Christmas to come, so we will all be safe"

Excellent.

"But you said that only good people get presents from Father Christmas, so why are the burglars getting presents?"

I can't take this anymore!

"Eat up quickly or you'll be late for school"

Tommorow your bloody Dad's doing breakfast!!!!