Julian asks about the Holidays.

She put down the cereal bowl in front of him. It was 8.14am.

“Here you go sweetheart, coco-pops this morning.”

There was no answer. She turned and walked from the dining room to the kitchen. She waited.
8.17am.

“Mum?”

That’s good, thought he looked a little off colour this morning. Wonder where this is going?

“Yes darling.”

“What’s a boob job?”

Jesus Christ, where did that come from? Stay calm.

“That’s a strange thing to ask darling, where did you hear that from?”

“Uncle Raymond. He was talking to Dad about his new girlfriend.”

Typical. I wondered why her knockers were so perfect. She’s ten years younger than him and her only conversation is TOWIE, Mullbery handbags and the latest shade in nail polish.

“No sweetheart, you miss-heard him. I think he said that she has a GOOD JOB.”

Brilliant. I am so pleased with that.

“Oh okay. Do you like Uncle Raymonds new girlfriend?”

“Yes Darling, she’s lovely.”

I want to punch her in the face.

“How long before we all go to the holiday house together?”

Don't remind me.I’m dreading it.

“Only six more sleeps darling. Then we’ll be on our way.”

“Will it take a long time to get there?”

“Not too long darling. We’ll have lots of stops on the way. It’ll be fun.”

Actually it’ll be four hours of hell. His dad will be talking to his brother and I’ll have to try to make conversation with bimbo brains.

“Is the holiday house near the seaside?”

“Yes darling, just a few minute’s walk.”

“Is it a nice sandy beach? Will the water be blue? Will it be hot?”

Listen to him, he’s all excited.

“Yes to all of those questions. You’ll love it.”

“Will you come to the beach and go swimming?”

Ahh bless he wants me there with him.

“Yes darling, but I’ll probably just stay on the beach. Mummy’s not a big swimmer.”

“Is Uncle Raymonds girlfriend a good swimmer?”

Now why would he ask that?

“I’m not sure darling. Why?”

“Cos Daddy told Uncle Raymond that he would like to see his girlfriend on the beach.”

I bet he bloody would.

“What else did he say?”

“He said that she would never drown. Not with those tits.”

Bastard!

“Okay, eat your breakfast or you’ll be late for school.”