Julian Asks About The Nativity Play ( Christmas Special)

“There you are sweetheart. Coco Pops. Your favourite. Eat them up. Big day today.”

It’s his school nativity play today. I bet he’s nervous and excited all at the same time. He’s the third shepherd. Big part. Can’t wait to see him in it this afternoon.

“Mum?”

“Yes darling?”

“Can we practice my lines?”

I am so proud of him. Lines…my boys got lines!

“Of course we can darling. I’ll read the bit that Mrs Jenkins will read and then you do your bit when you’re supposed to. Okay?”

“Like we did last night?”

For three bloody hours.

“Yes, just like we practiced last night. Ready?”

“Yep.”

“Okay, here we go. Three Kings, who night and day. Followed the star from far away. Each in their hands a gift did hold. Of Myrrh and Frankincense and….”

“Gold!”

He is so clever.

“Brilliant darling. You came in with your word just at the right time. Now for the second bit.”

This is the bit he struggles with.

“They followed the star till it guided them. To a stable place in Bethlehem. And there, in a manger brave and small. Was Jesus who was born to be….”

“King of the ball.”

Damn.

“No darling. It’s King of us all.”

“Not King of the ball?”

“No darling.”

“But if he was King of the ball, he'd grow up to be like Ronaldo or Wayne Rooney. He’d be really famous!”

“I know sweetheart, but he’s baby Jesus. He’s not a footballer. He’s been born to save the world.”

“Save the world? Like a goalkeeper. Like a giant goalkeeper, saving the whole of the world?"

"No darling. He is here to save us in a good way. From all the bad things."

"What bad things?"

Shit. Shouldn’t have said that. Need to wriggle out of this.

“From everything. Jesus was born to make sure that we all behave ourselves and then we can go to heaven.”

Well done. That was very clear and precise.

“How did he do that then? Make us behave ourselves? Tommy Atkins is the naughtiest boy in the school and yet he gets to play Joseph!”

That’s because his mother is a slut and is sleeping with the headmaster.

“Well. Jesus is a very complicated person. He does his work in mysterious ways. But he always looks after the good people. So you must always be good.”

Not bad.

“What about Tommy Atkins? He brought in a live frog to class and put it on Mrs Talbot’s desk. She screamed.”

“Well, Tommy Atkins will be punished for that one day. You mark my words”

“So why does he get the best part in the play as Joseph?”

Because his whore of a mother is probably a contortionist in bed!

“As I said, Jesus works in mysterious ways. He’ll make sure that tommy Atkins is told off one day.”

“Can we do my lines one more time?”

For fucks sake.

“Okay. Just once more then. Three Kings who night and day. Followed the star from far away. Each in their hands a gift did hold. Of Myrrh and frankincense and…”

“Gold!”

Brilliant.

“They followed the star till it guided them. To a stable place in Bethlehem. And there, in a manger brave and small. Was Jesus, who was born to be…”

“King of the balls!”

Absolute cretin.

“No, no, Julian darling. It’s KING OF US ALL.”

“Oh yeh. I forgot. King of us all. I’ll be alright when Mrs Jenkins says it.”

Oh so your own mother isn’t as good as Mrs Jenkins. Her with the wonky eye and the cold sore lips.

“Yes, I’m sure you’ll be fine when two o’clock comes round. Mrs Jenkins will guide you through it.”

“Will daddy definitely be there today?”

Ahh, he’s worried his dad won’t see him in the play.

“Of course he will sweetheart. That’s why he left for work early this morning, so that he can come home early and see you in the play.”

“That’s good then. Tommy's Mum will be pleased.”

“Why”

“Tommy kept saying that his Mum wanted to see daddy. I think their friends. Can we do my lines one more time?”

Bastard.

“NO WE FLAMING WELL CAN’T. Now, eat your bloody breakfast or you’ll be late for school.”