Toaster Love

A group of Londoners sitting in a greasy-spoon. Someone’s got a kitchen consumer-appliances magazine and the others are looking over his shoulder going “ohh, she’s go’ a nice one!’ . Next we see that man sitting in a toilet masturbating to the photo of a particularly sexy looking toaster. “….ing bitch, ooh I’m gonna shoot my load on your heating element, oohh yeaa, …….”
The man decides to go into the shop and buys that particular model he was looking at earlier. The friendly Indian man at the counter says to him: wont hot toast init? ….ing right” says the man and bursts out laughing, “she looks good this one”, “got five positions init?” says the Indian pointing at the toaster.

The Man walks home contentedly with his new toaster. As soon as he gets home he starts rubbing his crotch in anticipation, feeling his insemination pipe get hard. He unpacks the toaster in haste and plugs it in. He gets his penis out and starts rubbing it against the toaster, then moves his hand to turn it on to number three - “lightly toasted”. “Hey, aren’t you going put any bread it?, whats the point of using me without any bread to toast?”. “Nah, says the man, “Don’t need bread, just ….ing gets in the way – know wha’ ah’ mean?”. In the meantime the toaster is heating up. “Come on you ….ing bitch I ait go’ all day? Ohhh, ahhh”, The toaster is now very hot inside and glowing red. “Oh, …. Yeahh” the man ejaculates onto the live heating elements, a loud sizzling sound emanates from the toaster and briefly the smell of burning semen is in the air.

Suddenly the lights in the house start flickering and small flashes of electricity are visibly coming from the toaster. The man appears to be still shuddering in orgasm but on closer inspection he turns out to be in the throws of awful convulsions, steam is starting to rise from the point at which the man and the toaster united, and now the man is starting to scream and smoke is rising from his hair. Then, just as suddenly as the whole tempest started it stops, the man drops lifeless to the floor and the toaster is destroyed beyond repair; inside it the man’s semen is burnt to a cinder.

The police are baffled by this apparent suicide. Until one very clever detective finally pieces it all together and declares it to be a crime of passion. The toaster was raped he claims, and the electrocution of the man was in revenge for its violation, sacrificing itself in the process, but since there was no law against raping toasters so the man could not be convicted of rape, and the case was eventually written off as an unfortunate accident.