Psychological Impact Statement

I had put my house in Connecticut up for sale, and in due course, a
qualified buyer surfaced. The lawyer sent me an 18-page fax of the
contract for sale.

That's where the fun began.

I hunkered down that evening for a challenging slog through the
inevitable swamp of soporific legal prose. On the verge of nodding off,
one intriguing clause on page 12 of 18 captured my attention.

By means of this clause I was to warrant to the buyer that the house
"is not psychologically impacted." There was no explanation of this
phrase, seemingly self-explanatory though it may be.

Laughing aloud, harder and harder, I sat down and wrote my realtor an
email:

Dear Anne,

The sale of my house appears imminent, as I received an 18 page fax of
the contract from the lawyer today. There was an interesting section in
the contract for sale, something to do with warranting that the house
is not "psychologically impacted." I am curious about this clause.
While every house does have a character of its own, metaphorically
speaking, and this one is no exception, it would not be subject to
psychological impacting in the way a human being or other animal (or
perhaps even plant) might. In fact, though I have known many
psychologically impacted vegetables over the years, most of them Vice
Presidents in any organization you might care to name at random, and
even a few similarly impacted fruits and nuts (though most of these
live near Los Angeles), I have never seen a psychologically impacted
house.

In the spirit of providing documented full disclosure to the buyers, I
have taken the liberty of preparing the following statement. You should
feel free to use this format for other transactions in Connecticut and
perhaps even pass it along to the Realtor's Board for their
consideration.

Psychological Impact Statement

Re premises located at (insert address)

As of (insert date), I, (insert name), hereby warrant and represent to,
(insert name), the buyers, that to the best of my knowledge and belief
these premises have not been psychologically impacted, certainly not in
any negative sense. I have always done my best to provide a good and
healthy environment for my home and to be the best occupant possible. I
have tried my best to offer this house every means and opportunity for
a fulfilling and healthy life while under my care. Although I am a
single homeowner, I have spent many hours of quality time with my
house, despite the rigorous demands of a heavy work schedule. Foster
occupants tended the house for a while, but I made sure that a duly
licensed professional carefully supervised them at all times.

It is not easy bringing up a house as a single homeowner. Watching it
suffer through the growing pains of adolescence and preparing to stand
on its own in a frequently hostile world was very stressful at times.
Through it all, however, I never lost sight of the importance of caring
not just for the material needs of the house itself, but also for the
spiritual needs of the "inner cabin." Sometimes I felt as though I
could hear the voice of the inner cabin crying in the wilderness,
seeking recognition, validation, and companionship. At such times I
would read aloud comforting and edifying passages from the Bible and
the world's great masters. This would help, and I could sense a sigh of
relief from my significant abode.

As the new owners prepare to occupy this house and make it their home,
they should rest assured that the house and its "inner cabin" are
psychologically and spiritually fit and prepared to live a happy and
healthy life one day at a time.

Well, a few days later, Anne the realtor replied that she and her
colleagues in the office had finally stopped laughing and were at last
able to return to a normal work routine.

I told her I was happy to be of service.