The Dandelion Cure

The Dandelion Cure

Darryl Donnecker was an average looking man who was unremarkable in everything he did, with one notable exception. He had an explosive digestive tract, whose daily ritual denouement ended in a volcanic eruption that was audible to everyone within a 50 foot radius. To compound the embarrassment, the process was preceded by great rippling peals of flatulence that sounded like distant thunder on a stormy night.

Darryl had been to all manner of specialists to treat the problem. All of them shook their heads and pronounced the condition untreatable. It was just something that he would have to live with. Daryl's wife Alicia soon became accustomed to the sonic flatulence and the frequent charges to the bathroom, his knees locked together and a look of grim determination on his face. It was just another facet of her husband that she had learned to live with. Her parents however were another story. Whenever they stayed with her Mom and Dad the routine was predictable. After the onset of the sonorous flatulence, the high pitched voice of Alicia's Mother could be heard inquiring was that thunder? The deeper voice of Alicia's Dad would reply No dear it was only Darryl. Now go back to sleep.

Later that morning after the volcanic phase of Daryl's daily movement had been completed, one could see the heads of various neighbors looking out their windows, to see the source of the explosion. After a few quiet conversations, the neighbors nodded knowingly. Darryl was staying with the in-laws again. In fact the whole process soon became so familiar to the neighbors, that it became a topic of conversation around the entire Canadian Town of Thorold, on the Niagara Peninsula .Fred, next door, would comment to Ed across the street, I see Darryl and Alicia are staying with her parents again. Ed replied with a knowing smile, "Yes, I heard him too.

Even the local domestic animals soon became familiar with Darryl. The rooster associated Darryl's daily explosion with the imminent rising day. He would crow loudly only after Darryl finished his movement. The rooster of course set off the day for the local Lock keeper who rose and set off to work.Without him, the entire Welland Canal wouldn't function and the ocean freighters would come to a stand still.

Daryl's nightly flatulence and the pre dawn volcanic evacuation soon became a matter of course in the tiny Town of Thorold. People commented on Daryl's condition like they did the weather. Speculation only differed as to the source and type of food Darryl consumed that would cause such a mighty movement. Some of the older folks began to make discreet inquiries of Darryl's inlaws. Was there anything special that Darryl ate that could help them perform like Darryl?

One evening as Darryl and Alicia were out eating at the local "Barn Buster's " restaurant, the course of events began to change that would affect most of the civilized world.

It started with Darry'ls choice of a cheese souflet' for dinner. Then, he ordered Apple Pie with melted cheese. It all tasted wonderful at the time. Darryl had no inkling that the food he was eating would alter the course of affairs of most of the people on the planet. After dinner, they stopped by the Anderson's for a visit. Mrs. Anderson offered them cheese fondue, something Darryl just loved. He ate great spoonfuls of the wonderful tasting melted cheese until he was full. His belly looked like he had swallowed a ripe watermellon. He didn't worry though. With his digestive tract, it would soon move on.

Darryl and Alicia returned to her parents and after brief conversation, retired for the night. The first one to notice the difference was Alicia's Mother. She was half listening for the sonorous thunder of her son-in-law's flatulence. When it didn't come hour after hour, she couldn't sleep. Finally, she woke her husband and told him that she couldn't hear Darryl. "Relax dear, you will soon, you know how regular he is. Now go back to sleep.

As dawn approached however things began to change. All of the cheese that Darryl had eaten had bound him tighter than a drum. There was no rippling flatulence and no grim faced charge to the bathroom this morning. There was nothing but painful constipation. Soon the sun rose. The rooster, not hearing Darryl, didn't crow and that of course made the lock keeper sleep in. With the locks shut, ship traffic on the entire Welland Canal came to a screeching halt. Hundreds of ocean freighters, with millions of tons of cargo, began to stack up on both Lakes Erie and Ontario. All because Darryl was bound tighter than a drum.

As soon as the drug store opened, Alicia ran down to purchase half a dozen commercial purgatives that would help alleviate Daryl's problem. But, none of them seemed to work. The routine of the entire Town was upset. The jam up on the Lakes just got bigger and bigger. And Darryl just sat there painfully unable to do anything about it.

The next night and morning were the same. No Rooster, no lock tender and an even bigger backup of commerce along the entire length of the Great Lakes and the St. Lawrence Sea Way. Frantic ship owners, in Europe and South America, were now holding perishable cargoes in their ports. Equally frantic wholesalers and retailers were watching scarce product supply dwindle from their stores and warehouses. The stock market took a nose dive on the strength of all of the disruption and confusion. The New York Times, after investigating the source of the problem, screamed across its pages in 64 point type( MARKET IN THE CRAPPER BECAUSE DARRYL ISN'T)

Back in Thorold, Ontario, Darryl was still bound tighter than a drum. Urgent missives from dozens of maritime provinces and U.S. States began to pour in urging Darryl to do his business and end the confusion and disruption.

Border skirmishes were breaking out along the Russo- Chinese border, caused by Darryl induced shortages. The Rwanda-Burundi crisis heated up and Bosnia was threatening to explode again. Three Billion people waited expectantly for Darryl to complete his movement. And still he sat bound tighter than a drum. No one knew what to do.

Well, almost no one. Kindly old Mrs. O'Hoolihan was an eccentric character much loved and listened to by the folks around Thorold. She sized up Darrly's problem and decided on a cure. She picked an ordinary bunch of fresh Dandelions and walked over to Alicia's parents home. Darryl sat there painfully trying to do his duty, while three Billion people looked on expectantly. The working press from a dozen nations all waited outside the home expectantly for news of the missing bowel movement.

In a soothing voice she saidHere Darryl. These are organically grown Dandelions, impregnated with a special purgative that will make even a constipated elephant move his bowels. Of course, they were just ordinary dandelions, but Darryl didn't know that. He liked and trusted the kindly old Mrs. O'Hoolihan. If she said they would work, they must. Following her instructions, he sniffed the golden flowers vigorously and thought how lovely their color was. Their scent was that of a fresh hay field and he soon remembered all of the many times in childhood that he had run carefree through the upper meadows and frolicked amidst the dandelions. Those were the happiest years of his life. Soon the many happy thoughts began to relax Darryl and the natural force of a rather explosive digestive system began to reassert itself. From the enforced isolation of his bathroom cell came a mighty ripple of flatulence that stunned the waiting media and brought a smile to all of the locals who recognized the sonorous thunder of an approaching movement. Word soon raced through the crowd and went out over the Teletype and satellite transmission of a hundred media outlets. The collective expectation of the peoples of North America, Europe, South America and Africa was raised to a desperate level of hope. The sensitive microphones of hundreds of media outlets were aimed at the home of Alicia's parents in waiting expectation. There wasn't another sound among the great assembled throng as hundreds of ears strained to catch the expected sound of Daryl's movement. The minutes dragged on slowly. Most of the known world sat on the collective edge of its chair.

And then, the volcanic denouement of Darryl's digestive process echoed forth like cavernous thunder. People shouted and laughed and hugged each other in jubilant celebration at the welcome explosion of Daryl's bowels. The sensitive microphones of the many media dutifully recorded the event and reprised it on thousands of evening news and special bulletins across the face of the civilized world. The New York Times printed a special edition with the 86 point type headline ( DARRYL DOES IT. ,screamed the banner headline. The stock exchange , in mid session , took off like a rocket. The next day the headlines would read "Darryl in the crapper, Market isn't.

Back in Thorold, Darryl was interviewed by scores of newscasters. His general health and digestive tract responses were examined and talked about on talk programs across three continents. Darryl gave much of the credit to old Mrs O'Hoolihan and her Dandelion Cure. Soon , commercial imitators were turning out prune -flavored, dandelion cures by the boatload. Mrs. O'Hoolihan only smiled. She knew where the cure really came from.

As the commerce of the world slowly returned to normal, legislative resolution from dozen of countries poured into the Thorold home of Alicia's parents. Each of them expressed official regret over Daryl's temporary constipation and offered to assist Darryl in any way that they could. Truck loads of commercial purgatives, box loads of oat bran muffins and scores of other remedies were delivered daily to the small home in Thorold, Ontario. Darryl would have none of them. He was convinced that Mrs. O'Hoolihan's "Dandelion Cure had done the job for him. Every night he arranged for a fresh bunch of the "special dandelions be delivered from the kindly old lady. They worked like a charm every morning. The rooster crowed, the lock keeper got up and went to work and the world returned to normal.

As before, during the night, after a rippling blast of Daryl's flatulence, the tiny voice of Alicia's Mother could be heard' Gee I hope that is Darryl cutting the cheese. The deeper timber of her husband replied Yes dear it is Darryl rippling the sheets. He is on the job again, now go back to sleep. And all of the rest of the world slept soundly and peacefully, knowing that Darryl was once again on the job.

-30-

Joseph Xavier Martin