Part II -Requiem for Paddy. -Talking things over with the siblings

                                        “Talking things over with siblings.”

 

Dear Joe,

>     I wasn't going to call the Veteran's Hospital today, but the more I thought about it, it was worth a try. Kathy Jensen told me she was off for the weekend but that I could page the doctor.

 

>     I did and he was very nice. He said that they had increased the pain  medication because he was agitated and he is now quiet. He said he is surprised  he lasted the night but somehow he has kept going. I thanked him for his time and he was most gracious. I will give you the information I got yesterday:

 

Patrick Michael Martin  10/18/42

SSN 092 34 5577 (at some point 09134 5577 was taken in error)

Svc. No. 189 173 74  U.S. Army 11/67 - 3/69

>       Claim No. 247 68 061

> 

>  She did not know the name of the bank where she thought he had about  $10,000. I would imagine the Vets send his check there so they should have the 

> name. I continue the death watch as do you, one more time and pray that God will take him soon. I'm sorry I missed your call yesterday.

> Love, Mary.

 

 

 

Hi Mary,

         Thanks for the information. I had the Erie County Director of Veteran's Services call Kathy Jensen yesterday. Paddy is approved and all set for burial services, veteran's plot etc. I thought my guy might be needed to run interference with the VA, but he said that it is all set.

 

         You may wish to start checking into New Hampshire Law regarding wills. My guess is Paddy will die intestate and the estate will have to be probated in N.H.I don't know the law regarding heirs there. I remember when dad died. We all had to sign off on the house for mom. We may have to do something similar for her with Paddy's money. The Vets Amin. could probably supply the name of the bank in Manchester. 

 

         If I hear anything, I will call immediately.

 

                                                   Joey

 

> 

Date:   Fri, 5 Mar 2004 17:59:06 

Dear Joe,

                                    I talked to Kathy Jensen today. She said she talked to you and advised that she would send Paddy’s wallet and watch to you. I am relieved, as I could picture Mike’s son  handing the package to Mother and that being the way she found out. 

 

Did Kathy say there was no way to know when he would be buried? I'm glad that they will send the info to you and I am grateful that you are willing to take the trip up and visit the grave for all of us.

 

 I asked Kathy Jensen to tell Paddy that we were all praying for him. he didn't know then he knows now that he was in our thoughts and prayers. May  God rest his soul after the arduous journey he had on this earth.

 

 I call Mother every Sunday and I will be curious to see how long it takes  her to know. I'm sure she will find out and as you said it would be best if all is said and done.

 

 I called the Probate Court and they said to send written notice of next of kin which I have done and will get mailed tomorrow I hope there are no hitches and that we don't have to fight for it.

 

 I suggested to Mikey that we donate it to the Vets Hosp. That was so good to him. He felt that Mother should get it and ultimately Marie if she doesn't use it. Charity begins at home and I'm fine with that. I just am so grateful to the personnel. I sent a letter of thanks today to Kathy and Dr. Gehr.

                                    That's about it for now...

 

                                Love, Mary

 

 

 

Dear Joe,

>     I talked to Kathy Jensen and to Mikey. Mikey does not think Mother should know and while he is willing to go with the majority, that is his vote. I  told him you and I had already decided to go with his decision so she will not be told.

 

>     In light of that decision there will be no obituary or service of any  kind in Buffalo. I do not have Nancy's work no. and have been communicating with her by email re Paddy so I emailed her. I called Jimmy and told him and told him not to call Mother but even if he tries you can't get through to her at Mikey's. She doesn't answer the phone.  I called Billy's work no. and left the message for him. So that’s everyone but Marie and we agreed there was no reason to contact her even if we could.

 

>     I called the bank and they said if you are not executor you can't touch the funds. It has to go through probate. I don't want to sound mercenary and call Kathy Jensen again today but will call in a couple days and see if she has  a contact no. in probate. My hope is that because the vets are handling it they will know there is family to contact but I will follow up. I was praying Paddy would not die on your birthday so I am grateful for  that. Celebrate your birthday and rejoice that he is finally out of his pain on  this earth. He was dealt a tough hand and never got a break. I am grateful he has gone to a better place. I will be in touch...

> 

Love, Mary

 

Mary,

      I wouldn't give a thought to what the Manchester VA staff thinks about your calls. I would guess that they are appreciative that someone cares enough to ask after Paddy. They have many patients whom no one cares about at all.

 

      I think we were on the right track with our original thoughts. I don't really care what others think. Your Mother should be informed of his passing and interment in a military cemetery by the VA. She can have a thousand service and masses said locally, if that is her choice. There isn't any need for contention here. Paddy wasn't around for forty years, there isn't any sense in treating him like a close-held relative now. Prayers and respect for his passing are all that's required. Besides, the VA may be footing the expenses because he has no one legally responsible. If a family member steps up and starts meddling, they may well say "fine," you bury him.

 

      Paddy is without children, like me. It won't matter in a few years where he is buried. I think I may be one of the few who visits our own family plots in Holy Cross Cemetery. After I am gone, they will remain anonymous like the rest of our clan buried there. Paddy will get a flag planted on his grave every Veteran's Day and be treated with respect by a grateful nation for his service. That is a pretty good deal, all things considered.

 

      There is no "right way" to handle these things, no matter how many times we go through them. You just try and do what is the decent thing and hope everyone else signs on. Criticism is silly. Those whose noses get easily out of joint are just looking for an excuse to be annoyed.

 

      We will see this through like did all the others. I only hope those left  show as much consideration when you and I pass on.

 

                                                 Joey

 

Dear Joe,

         Kathy Jensen said Paddy's file is in Togas, Maine and that is where all inquiries have to go. For all we know, Paddy may have a will. Kathy asked questions regarding parent's names, birthplace, etc. for the death certificate. She asked if he had a wife and I said no. When I thought about it later, I thought  I have no idea whether he has a wife or not. When he was in Viet Nam, he wrote Mother and asked that she send a baby layette to him. He may have children for all we know.

 

>     I called today and talked to the doctor again and nothing has changed. He did say he talked to the primary care nurse and told her to keep him 

comfortable so I am grateful for that.

 

• I called Mother today and I thought it was Mikey that answered and asked if Mother knew about Paddy. He said no and then I realized it was little Mikey. I talked to Mother and she didn't say anything so I didn't tell her.
•  

The longer he lasts, the more I vacillate about what to do. One thought I had was that if he was cremated, could he be shipped to Buffalo for burial at the Vet's cemetery. That would save you the trip up there. Just a thought...

Then I wonder should I get on a plane and meet you in Buffalo. to drive up. I don't know. This death watch is getting to me. I can't picture one of my children, dying alone and being buried in some God forsaken place. 

You're burdened enough with all that is going on and don't need this  load. I'm just venting and seeing where it goes.

      I will keep in touch...

 

Love, Mary

 

Mary,

      I haven't any answers either. I guess I will wait until after Paddy passes and see which way things go. I would think it incumbent upon us to tell mom after he passes. Then, if there are some really strong feelings one way or the other, we can accede to her. wishes

 

 

      As opposed to dying in some remote Caribbean village, Paddy is passing with  dignity, in a clean and safe environment, among people who know and care for him. Wherever he is interred, it will be with the respect due him as a veteran. I can't ask for or imagine any better circumstances than these, considering the possible alternatives. Having said all of that, the rest of the process, including relatives etc., seems anti-climactic and relatively unimportant to me.

 

       Let’s take this one step at a time. Thanks for your assist with this. It would be a little heavy, all by myself, all things considered.

                                                      Joey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Joe,

>     Sorry to go sideways on you yesterday. Yes, I agree he is in a good place. According to Kathy he was thinking of heading for Costa Rica, so thank God that didn't happen.

 

>     I really don't care about what the relatives think or say. Not one of them has walked in our shoes and is in a position to judge. I'm grateful you didn't run up there and then be stuck there days on end while he lingers. I think you are right. It is best to just wait until he passes. 

 

>     I think Mother should know about his death but I don't think she should have a say in his final destination. There is a saying "somebody has to do it"  and somehow you and I are Mr. and Mrs. Somebody.

 

>     I would go with past discussions and have him buried up there. The wheels are rolling in that direction already and there is no point in changing things. No matter how you look at it, it is a sad ending to a sad and lonely life  and nothing is going to make it better.

 

>     Thank you for being the calm I needed to get back on path. I would not want to do this alone nor would you but both of us could if necessity 

demanded. Thank God, that is not the case.

 

>     I called out there this morning and talked to Kathy. I know they must be  sick of hearing from me but they continue to be kind and supportive. There is no change. Kathy was surprised to see him still here.

     We will continue the death watch...

Love, Mary

 

 

Mary,

           That all sounds fine with me. Mike has to be the judge of what is and is not good for your mother. The last thing any of us need is contention when one of us has passed on. I would guess that one of the  relatives will hear of Paddy's passing, through the grape vine, and try and call mom. Mike will just have to deal with it as best he can. I would like to try and make any ceremony the VA has for Paddy's interment, should that information come to you. We will just have to deal with N.H.'s probate system, when Paddy's estate gets processed.

 

     I think I have Billy's e-mail, at his work site, and will try and reach him there. I can copy Nancy. Her e-mail, if you don't have it, is Nveign @ aol.com

 

     I am not much in the mood for celebrating, so tomorrow will just be another day. Nancy's husband Jim Veign also died on March 4th. The damn day is getting a reputation! Thanks for your card and your help with this one. They never seem to get any easier, do they?

 

                                                         Joey