Anxiety

Anxiety ... Yes I suffer! I guess I have for most of my life but now I'm realising that it has taken over too much of my life and it is time to fight back!

So where did it come from? Who is too blame for my anxiety? Oh I can name many people who contributed to my condition over the years, who fed the beast, letting it consume me from my tender years, my adolescence and adulthood. Yes, I'm sure all sufferers can point the finger but ultimately, it is me who has to deal with it. Only I can battle the monster and lay it to rest after all the time.

I resent so many people for making me this way; my brother, my grandfather, my aunties, my so-called friends who kicked me when I was down, the bullies, the nasties in work, the boys/men who played with my heart .....the list goes on!

Why wasn't I strong enough back then?

35 years old and I'm only just realising myself what the hell is wrong with me! Why can't I get angry? Why do I cry at the slightest thing? Why didn't my parents recognise this?? Instead of losing their patience with my tears and emotions, why didn't they help?? They worked long hours, never really understanding me or my needs because they needed to put food on the table .... I'm the product of a working family, I lost out on the nurturing to no fault of my parents as times were tight.

It is only through my own journey to parenthood that things are coming to light.As I lie here pregnant with my little boy,I can't help but worry nature will repeat itself....will I have to work long stupid hours and miss out on him growing up? My little one who I love so much, my special baby who after losing 3 before him, means the world to me. I want to be there for every second, to give him the best start along with his Daddy.

I'm anxious, I'm terrified of failure and it stresses me out. Anxiety has consumed me, taken over my life like alcohol is to an alcoholic, I guess its my demon. So my first step to recovery is to admit it, seek help and move forward ...wish me luck!