Fragments

'I'm so sorry mum,' Jaime felt ashamed as she walked through the door accompanied by the police officer. She ran into Kym's arms and sobbed like she had done so many times as a little girl. Kym wrapped her arms around the teenager and held her close. She nodded at the officer and mouthed 'thank you' as she held her daugher, stroking her amber curls. Kym was grateful that he had been lenient on the girl, giving her a stern talking to for her behaviour and warning her of the consequences should she continue acting out. Her 15 year old was a mess; a confused and angry girl who was playing up because her father had let her down again and again. ‘Jaime you can’t keep acting like this,’ Kym told her daughter. ‘One of these days you are going to end up in serious trouble. You are very lucky that the officer called me this time but if you keep doing this,’ Kym stopped short as she found herself welling up. She didn’t want her daughter getting into trouble because of Tony. ‘Please just promise me you won’t do anything stupid like this again,’ Kym begged her.

‘She won’t,’ the officer reassured Kym. ‘We’ve had a long chat and she knows what the consequences will be if she ever tries to pull a stunt like that again. Don’t you Jaime?’

Jaime looked up at her mother, tears falling from her eyes and nodded. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said burying her head in Kym’s shoulder.

‘Good,’ Kym said clearing her throat. She was conscious they were making a scene in the middle of the police station. She thanked John again for his help and took her daughter back to the car. They sat in silence for a moment before she started the engine. Kym stared at Jaime for a moment; with her thick curls she was her image but those dark brown eyes came from Tony. Despite being fifteen, Kym could still see the little girl who was so desperate for her father’s attention. Jaime was her daddy’s girl, which made this situation all the more difficult. She was struggling to cope with his betrayal; with the fact that at Christmas he walked out on them all leaving them heartbroken without so much of an explanation. Almost six months on, Jaime was lost without her father. Before Tony left she had been the model student at school, a good kid who hung around with a nice bunch but she became withdrawn from everything. Even at home she would lock herself away in her room rarely joining her family at meal times or games nights. ‘Jaime I am so disappointed that you’ve done this,’ Kym sighed deeply. ‘I know why but I need you to help me more than ever right now.’

‘I know mum,’ Jaime said quietly. She felt awful that she had done so many things to her mum when it wasn’t Kym’s fault. Her mother was about to have another baby and her behaviour wasn’t helping things. She had found out something about her father that had sickened her so much but she battled with the idea of telling her mum, it would break her heart. These last few months had been hell for Kym; despite trying to stay strong for them all, Jaime could see that she was barely coping.

‘We can’t let dad rule our lives like this any more,’ Kym said grabbing Jaime’s hand. ‘He’s had long enough to apologise for leaving us so abruptly. If he doesn’t want anything to do with us then we have to deal with it.’

‘But,’ Jaime began. ‘What about the baby? Shouldn’t he know about it?’

She found out about the baby just before Christmas but wanted to keep it a secret until New Years, which was their 20th anniversary. Her heart felt heavy as she thought about the past 20 years they had shared. It was as though it all meant nothing to him. He couldn’t look her in the eye when he came back for his things. She locked herself away in the kitchen left him to deal with the kids. They begged him not to leave, screamed and cried at him, told him that they loved him but he walked away leaving them in a terrible state. Kym had been left to pick up the pieces; to deal with the blame and the backlash. The twins were inconsolable; they shut themselves in their room while Jaime ran out of the house slamming doors behind her. It had been awful but the worst was the not knowing why and all the questions they had unanswered. Kym suspected he had met someone new that he had fallen for someone else. She didn’t even know if her husband had been called out on duty and was back in Afghanistan or in Iraq as he had been so many times before. The kids were so used to their father being away for periods of time and generally they coped well in his absence but knowing it was permanent had shattered everything for them. ‘Your dad lost the right to know about this little one when he walked away from us,’ Kym said sadly. She blinked away the tears and started the car to make the journey home. Her mother would be waiting with the boys.

‘I saw him,’ Jaime admitted as her mother drove out of the car park. ‘I saw him a few weeks ago.’

‘You did?’

‘He was with someone.’

‘Was he?’ Kym tried to focus on the road as she listened to her daughter’s news.

Jaime felt her throat drying as she spoke. Her mother didn’t look at her she keeping her eyes on the road. ‘He was with Aunt Jackie,’ she blurted out: ‘they were holding hands.’ At that moment Kym turned to look at her daughter, in a state of disbelief. Her husband and one of her oldest and closest friends had betrayed them? She had suspect there might be someone else but she also knew that he was going through some other turmoil. Despite his refusal to talk about things particularly about losing his dear friend and the pain they had suffered shortly afterwards when she found out she had lost her babies. Kym knew that Tony struggled with death badly she remembered when his parents died and how withdrawn he had become but she had always been his rock. She was the one he came to in his darkest moments but now she found out that he was with someone else. It felt like a sharp knife twisting hard against her back. Kym felt the tears stinging her eyes as she though about how Jackie had seen the state they were in. She even knew about the baby so did that mean that he knew? All these questions started to flood her mind. Kym looked back on the road her lack of concentration had led her into the path of a lorry, which meant she had to swerve the car but the lorry clipped the passenger side and they mounted the kerb slamming into a lamppost. Kym was dazed a little as she tried to comprehend what had happened just minutes before; her head hurt and was bleeding badly. She turned to look at her daughter who was slumped against the window motionless. She tried to reach out but she saw the blood and her own eyes felt heavy until she too lost consciousness.

Jaime opened her eyes as she heard some familiar voices around her. Her Aunt Marie was holding her hand while Uncle Drew was pacing the room. She groaned a little as she realised she was in hospital. ‘Aw my sweetheart,’ Marie said kissing her forehead. Jaime felt the sharp pain in her head but she was trying to remember what had happened. As the crash came flooding back she tried to get up but Marie soothed her. ‘It’s okay,’ Marie said trying to calm her. Jaime tried to say ‘mum’ but the words wouldn’t come out. ‘She’s in surgery,’ Marie told her. ‘There were some complications.’ Marie looked at her husband for support.

‘The baby,’ Jaime managed to say through her oxygen mask.

‘She’s fine,’ Drew replied. She’s in an incubator but she’s fine got a strong set of lungs too.

‘Mum?’

‘She lost a lot of blood,’ Drew told her. ‘She’s not doing to great.’

Jaime slumped back on her bed and cried. Why did she have to tell her mum? The accident was her fault. She wanted to be honest and to tell her about her dad and Jackie. She hated them both for what they had done to them. They were broken fragments of what had once been a family. Didn’t they care? Why did Jackie steal her dad away from them? Her head hurt so much and she felt so tired. She gave into the sleep that was fighting her. When she woke again a few hours later she still had a headache but she felt a bit stronger. She took the oxygen mask off her face and breathed normally. She sat up and looked around the empty room outside were raised voices she could make out her Uncle Drew who was telling someone to stay away. Jaime tried to get up to see what the commotion was. She hadn’t paid attention to the fact that her leg was in plaster and when she tried to get off the bed she landed with a crash bringing down the drip and the trolley with her. It made such an almighty noise that the argument outside ceased and they all came running in to see what happened.

‘Jaime love,’ Marie said running to her. ‘Oh God are you all right sweetheart?’ Jaime shook her head. She had a broken leg, her shoulder ached from her fall and her head felt as though a brass band her playing on it. Drew picked her up and lifted her onto the bed while Marie picked up the drip; the wires had detached from her hand and she was bleeding. ‘Don’t just stand there staring,’ Marie snapped at the man in the doorway. ‘Go and get a nurse!’ Jaime looked up for a moment and saw him as he turned from them. She watched him walk past the window and suddenly she felt like a little girl again wanting her daddy’s arms around her to tell her everything would be all right. She chastised herself for being so weak; for wanting to let him back in. If it weren’t for him she wouldn’t be here in the first place and her mother wouldn’t be fighting for her life on some operating table.

‘How is mum?’ Jaime asked her Aunt and Uncle as they put her back under the blankets.

‘She’s out of surgery but she hasn’t come out of her coma,’ Drew said almost choking up. Marie grabbed his arm to let him know she was there. The nurse came in and demanded they all leave the room while she sorted Jaime’s drip. ‘We’re going out for a ciggie,’ Drew told his niece. ‘I won’t leave you on your own for long okay?’ She looked up and nodded at him. Her father was standing in the doorway but moved away as the nurse shuffled them out. Jaime refused to give eye contact. She asked the nurse to shut the door as she left. She hoped that Tony would leave her but a few minutes later the door creaked open. She heard the footsteps drawing closer to her. Jaime kept her back to him and closed her eyes tightly determined not to give in.

Tony stared at his child feeling so angry at himself. He knew that he was to blame. Drew had told him that Jaime hadn’t been herself and that she had gotten into all sorts of bother since he left them. He had been so ashamed that he couldn’t bear facing Kym or the kids after what he had done. ‘Jaime,’ he whispered hoping that she would turn and face him but she didn’t move. He knew she was awake he could tell by her breathing. He pulled a chair and sat by the bed. He reached out and stroked her back but she winced. ‘I’m sorry baby,’ he told her. ‘I’m so sorry for everything.’

‘Why don’t you go and tell that to your other daughter?’ Jamie said eventually.

‘You’re my only daughter,’ he said confused by her words.

Jamie turned and faced him. ‘No I’m not,’ she hissed. ‘Not any more!’ She turned her back on him again.

‘What are you talking about?’

Jamie turned back around, ‘I’m talking about my baby sister who is lying in some incubator somewhere born a month too early while her mummy.’ Jaime took a gulp for breath trying to stop herself from crying: ‘while our mum is lying unconscious after fighting for her life.’ Tony looked bewildered by his daughter’s words. ‘Oh didn’t Jackie tell you? That’s right, when you decided to dump your family for that bitch, mum was pregnant. It was supposed to be surprise for your anniversary but you left us before she could tell you the news!’ Tony staggered back trying to take everything in. ‘Your precious new girlfriend knew about the baby, didn’t she tell you that you were going to be a daddy again?’

‘You’re lying,’ Tony said almost shell shocked.

Jaime sat upright. ‘Why would I lie?’ The tears fell down her cheeks. ‘You left us. You didn’t speak to mum or us kids for five months. You ran away to be with her and she knew all along that mum was having your kid. She stood in our kitchen while mum broke her heart over you and she told her, she told her that she was pregnant. She couldn’t get out of there quick enough and now we know why.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Tony apologised again. He was trying to comprehend what his daughter was telling him. She was right. He had abandoned them.

‘Please just leave,’ Jaime sobbed. ‘I can’t stand being in the same room as you.’

He reached out for her. ‘Jaime,’ he begged her. ‘Jaime don’t push me away. Not now when you need me.’

‘I’ve,’ she corrected herself: ‘we’ve all needed you these past few months and where have you been? You’ve been with her! All this time mum blamed herself, I blamed mum and the boys did too. You don’t know what it’s been like for her. Her life has been a complete nightmare. Just get out!’ Jaime screamed at him. ‘I hate you! I hate you!’

Drew opened the door. ‘You heard her Tony,’ he said coldly. ‘Please leave.’

Tony withdrew from the bed and left. He stood in the doorway listening to his daughter's sobs as they consoled her. He had to get out and think about everything she told him but instead of leaving he found himself at the maternity ward. He told them who he was and a nurse let him into a room with four incubators. ‘Here she is,’ the nurse said taking him to where a small baby lay making little gurning noises and kicking her legs. ‘She’s just been fed but I think she needs someone to talk to,’ she told him. Tony couldn’t take his eyes off the tiny person. His heart felt like bursting as he watched her flicker her eyes open. She was just like Jaime. They were only a few years older than Jaime when Kym got pregnant; they'd been together for four years by then although they were still kids. He remembered that first time at 20 years old how he felt when she was placed in his arms. He was full of pride but even now as his elder daughter neared womanhood, he felt the same way about her. ‘She’s not too small but we need to keep her in here for observation over the next few days,’ the nurse told him. She opened the little glass door. ‘You can touch her and let her take your hand,’ she smiled and then left them alone. His hands felt big and clumsy next to her but she grabbed hold of his finger and held it tightly. Tony felt himself cry for the first time in a long time. He hadn’t felt so connected with anyone since his best friend died on patrol and then Kym had lost their twins just weeks afterwards. The past year and half he had been useless; he had put himself forward for Iraq when most of the troops dreaded leaving their families behind he had felt relieved because his kids shouldn’t see him that way; emotionless and cold. He was there for months at a time. Coming home was awful because he had to plaster a big smile on his face and be strong for them all when inside he was crumbling; a broken man. When Jackie threw herself at him he just succumbed. Sex with her took him some place different and he could pretend he didn’t have four people in the world who needed him so much. He abandoned them at the worst possible time and now he realised just what he had done. This tiny girl had come into the world without him so much as knowing and here she was holding on to him with her dear little life. It was like the light that had blown out had suddenly flicked back on and he realised what he had to do.