In the Dark

Characters:
ALF, 73
ROSE, 75
EDNA, 78
WARDEN, young

ALF is in the bay window of a small lounge. He is sitting in a small wing-backed chair with dust covers on the arms. Next to the chair is a small rickety side table with a mug of strong tea. The bay window overlooks a busy road with terraced housing. ALF is looking at the comings and goings of the people opposite. On the corner of the wall hanging from the ceiling is a cord with a red triangle on the end. There is a large photo frame on the wall with a Golden Retriever lying on grass and a smaller one on the sideboard with a younger ALF with his arm around his wife. In ALF’S hands is a small cheap-looking trophy that he keeps bringing up to his eyes to get a closer look.

ALF
Mutiny it was down there last week. Darts, I said. We always play darts on a Tuesday. ‘You’ve been outvoted Alf love’ says Rose ‘Edna’s hip’s a bit gippy so we thought Scrabble might be more up her street’.

ALF puts the trophy on the table and takes a sip of his tea

Well, that did it for me. I came upstairs and watched the snooker. I wouldn’t mind only Edna next door plays her records in the afternoons. Deaf as a dodo that one so I couldn’t hear any of the commentary. She’s quite partial to a game of scrabble, so we don’t much pass the time of day. If we’d been closer acquainted, I might have been able to have a quiet mention but I don’t like to cause offence. Warden didn’t want to know. Said he’d have a word with her but I could tell he wasn’t interested. Three dirty cups I counted on his desk. Expect cleanliness isn’t so highly regarded where he’s from.

Champion. That’s what they call me. ‘Ooh Alf’ says Rose ‘you’ll have to teach me. When I throw them they just bounce onto the floor’. We don’t play the traditional rules. No doubles, triples or whatnot. We had a group discussion and decided that I could stand a smidgen closer due to my eyesight and all. No more than the length of a doormat was the verdict. Well, wouldn’t you know, Rose had a spare and rushed down the hall for it. It had a West Highland Terrier on the front. We’d always kept Goldies. Not allowed dogs here, the warden says the council won’t allow it. ‘You can’t have dogs running round the place Alf’ he said to me. Huh, they eat them in his country. Rose said she had never had the pleasure of becoming a dog owner but she’d always wanted one, so she fetched the mat back from a daytrip to the Isle of Wight.

Warden’s just popped round. Said ‘How’s it going Alf?’ Didn’t have a tie on. I know times have changed but his top button wasn’t even done up. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d had on those running shoe thingamybobs on his feet. He looked the type. I know he keeps one of those hoodies on the back of his chair in the office. I saw it yesterday on my way to the bring and buy sale. ‘What do you expect’ Rose said when I told her.

Had to pull the cord last night. Had a slight accident on my way to the kitchen. I said to my daughter; if you’re going to buy me slippers make sure they’re for a narrow fitting.

Twenty minutes. Twenty minutes it took for him to come barging through the door. Nearly knocked over my cheese plant on the way. ‘Careful sonny’ I said but I think he chose to ignore me.

Leaning over me he was, coffee breath in my face. ‘Alf, how many fingers am I holding up’? I asked him what on earth he was talking about. ‘Got to check for concussion’ he said ‘Health and safety’. ‘I can’t see how many’ I said ‘Bit bloody hard to tell’. Well, it all went quiet then.

He said ‘Is that supposed to be funny’?

No more darts now. Took down the dartboard after that he did. Made me hand over my darts as well. He said it was due to health and safety regulations but I know it was out of spite.

Well, he’s not having this.

ALF clutches his trophy to his chest.

I earned it.