I Can See You...

Imagine, if you will, the scene.  It is a Thursday evening in
February; a spoken word event at a city centre coffee bar is in full flow.  One reader has started his six-minute set with a reading of “The Story of Sharon and Sean”, a raunchy and amusing poem that had the audience laughing.  The crowd applauds and now the reader addresses them again:

 “Now I would like to….

"Hold on a second, hey you, yes you, standing in the doorway….

"Can anyone else see him, there in the doorway, beside the lady in the striped top?...”

The reader now speaks directly to the figure in the doorway:

“Of course they can’t, you are for my eyes only…

“I see you, I know you….

“You used to be the little dark man sitting on my shoulder, a grotesque born of all that was wrong in my life…

“You sat there, constantly whispering in my ear, sibilant, remorseless, unrelenting…

“Whispering, whispering…

“Telling me I was worthless, meaningless, friendless, hopeless…

“Telling me that no matter how hard I tried my best would never be good enough…

“Telling me I was an impostor, that one day the world would wake up to the truth; your truth…

“You made of me the child who stands forever at the edge of the playground, the adolescent lurking in the shadows at the church disco, unable to dance, unable to mingle,  the outsider who always stands at the edge of the crowd, robbed of the potential of being part of something bigger than himself…

“You caused me to do a disservice to any relative, schoolmate, fellow student, acquaintance, colleague, neighbour, co-worker or manager who ever dared to like
me or even be complimentary towards me...

“You had me believe that ninety-nine percent right was one hundred percent wrong…

 “You drained the good from my life, leaving
behind nothing but the rancid sludge of self-defeat…

“I’d thought, I’d hoped, I’d prayed, prayed as only an atheist can, that once “I’d recognised you were part of me, that you were not an independent being outside of my control, I could put an end to your negativity, your hatred, your lies…

“But no, instead you’re back, hiding in plain sight, as cruel as ever…

“You are my Hyde, not an evil self like Doctor Jekyll’s, not a self made incarnate, carnal and corrupt and a danger to others, but a mocking, deriding self, seen by none but me, heard by none but me, corrupting none but me, a danger to none but me…

“There you stand, uninvited and unwanted, with that sardonic and knowing look on your face, vicious in its serenity…

“Even as people applauded, I could hear you, sibilant, remorseless, unrelenting…

“As they applauded, so you applauded, each slow, sarcastic clap of your hands a nail in the coffin of my soul…

“Self-confidence oozes from you as you stand there in all your certainty, secure in the knowledge of all that you are, brave in your total lack of self-doubt, a perverted reflection all that I am not….

“I will never be as good as these others, you say; their applause means nothing, their comments mean nothing, I mean nothing…

“Do you think I need you to tell me that?

“I don’t, I know it already…

"Oh, I can see you alright………..."

The reader addresses the audience again:

“Perhaps I won’t read anymore tonight after all….”

Copyright D M Pamment 2019