Mesmerising

By kirsten

Mon, 22 Oct 2012
  • 882 reads
7 comments
 

The song but a mere whisper on the little girl's voice.
Sweet but powerful, clear and strong,
memorable in every way.

The words meaningful and touching, hitting you hard then soothing you like dark chocolate.
The song with no meaning; a language unknown to the audience.

Her looks sad and out of this world, her skin as dark as a nights sky.
Her eyes enchanting in the dim light,
she was mesmerising in every way.

Certificate U
Poem
Historical Fiction

Comments

Submitted by The Walrus on
Nice poem, Kirsten. 'The song with no meaning, a language unknown to the audience.' - I would just say 'a song with no meaning in a language unknown.' Also, in the second line of the first stanza, it's best not to use the same word twice unless you're really rubbing something important in - I would replace the second 'but' with 'and.'

Submitted by kirsten on
thanks and i agree with the first point and have changed it! The second makes sense but from a writers point of view i do prefer my own way...thank you though! enjoy reading. Lucy x

Lucy Fry

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on
Kirsten, I really enjoyed this poem - not sure I quite understood the spoiler though. Tiny typo in the first line: you are missing the apostrophe in girls

 

Submitted by kirsten on
Thanks! And the spoiler was because i first learnt about the slave trade in year7 and it was all a to big thing for me. I tried to understand it from a girl my age point of view! Lucy x

Lucy Fry

Submitted by Highhat on
I enjoyed this and saw the little girl in a foreign slave trade market place waiting to be sold??? Am I way off?

Submitted by kirsten on
no, you are really close! That was what we learning about. I wrote it in year 7 and we were learning about the slave trade triangle and i had just read the roman mystries in which a character (whos from Nubia) sings to her buyers when she cannot talk...it all sounded beautiful to me! thank you Lucy

Lucy Fry

Submitted by hudsonmoon on
Excellent, Kirsten. Once explained. I enjoyed it even more. Rich