Kerothen Philoi Aei

The party inside was getting a little ridiculous. Everyone was hammered, and I was getting close. The music was loud enough that you had to yell loud enough for the person next to you to hear. People were dancing and playing beer pong and having the kind of stupid conversations that drunk people have. I wasn’t in the spirit. I was almost as drunk, but not in the spirit. I stepped out on the porch and found Becky and Alex hugging.
“Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt,” I said as I retreated back into the house.
“No, no, come on out,” said Alex.
“Oh okay,” I said as I stepped onto the porch and closed the door behind me. I was happy for the opportunity to talk to Becky and Alex, because they had actually gotten to talk to Sean. “What are you guys up to?”
“Just having ourselves a pity party,” said Alex. His eyes were red and puffy, and Becky had tears in her eyes and flowing down her cheeks. Their faces were red. I had known Alex for years, and had NEVER seen him like this. I had always looked up to Alex, like he was my older brother. Alex didn’t get vulnerable like this. Alex was strong, a soldier, he was smart and witty and never seemed to have any problems that he couldn’t handle. This problem wasn’t his.
“Yeah, I was having one of those myself,” I answered, referring to the phone call I made to my girlfriend, just so I could hear her tell me that everything was going to be okay.
“This sucks man,” I said, not really knowing what else to say.
“Yeah,” said Alex, “Yeah.”
He was getting choked up. He had never gotten choked up like that before, at least not to my knowledge.
“So, what did Sean say?” I asked. I knew it was going to be hard for them to say, but I had to ask.
“He was in such good spirits man,” said Alex, “he said he was calling me back because he knew I was blowing up his phone, but he was just so chill about it. I asked him how he was doing, and he said, ‘just coping, you know’ like it was no big deal. Like it wasn’t much. He was just in such good spirits, and I’m on the other end just all fucked up.”
“Did he call you?” I asked.
“I think his sister was holding the phone up for him,” said Alex. “I just can’t even…” his voice trailed off.
“I know what you mean man. I just talked to him like three days before that. We sat next to each other on the bus. He told me about his Spring Break plans.” I said. I was going to say more, but I didn’t want to get choked up.
“It just…” said Alex slowly, “It takes something like this, something so fucked up like this, to make you realize how lucky we are to be able to walk and see and move and run and hear. I can’t believe it takes one of my friends almost dying, one of my best friends, to make me realize how lucky I am.”
We were all quiet for a moment, and then Jack came from inside. The blaring song from inside, “I got a feeling” by Black Eyed Peas, made a horribly sharp contrast to the mood of our little meeting.
“Hey Becky,” he said, “I found out Tony took Jasmine back to his house with him. He went over there to get a jacket.”
Jasmine was Becky’s puppy, and Tony walked her home to get a jacket because it was cold outside. The skies were ugly and grey and there were thin snow flurries blowing in the wind all around us. The snow had a horrible contrast too, because it was almost April, and just the day before it was sunny and over 70 degrees out, and the snow was blowing around blooming flowers and budding branches on trees. Winter returning to fight off the coming Spring.
“Thanks,” answered Becky. She tried to say something more, but she was getting choked up.
“Thanks, Jack,” I told him, “could you give us a minute though?”
“Sure thing, man,” he said, and retreated inside. Once again, the music intruded our conversation, an unwelcome blast of cheerfulness invading our reflection and our sorrow.
“I hate to ask this,” I said, turning back to Alex, “but I never really got the straight story. How did it actually happen? I don’t mean to make it worse…”
“Don’t worry about it man,” he answered, “Sean and Jake were in the ocean, just hanging out. Anyway, they got to about waist-deep, and you know, the only way to get used to the cold water is to just go in. They saw a wave coming, and Sean told Jake he was going to dive into it. Jake said he would if Sean did, and it came, so they both dove into it. I guess just the way Sean hit the water… his neck snapped… it was just a freak accident.
“Anyway, Jake came up, and saw Sean, and thought that he was just messing around, ‘cause he was just laying face down in the water, but then he said something to Sean, and he was just like, ‘you gotta help me man, I can’t move.’
“Jake is real fucked up too, because he thought he might have done something that made it worse. But all he did was exactly what he should have. I mean, fuck, if he hadn’t, Sean was face down in the water, man, if he didn’t do anything, he would have drowned. But he did just what he should have. He turned him over slowly, and helped him back to shore, and got an ambulance as soon as he could.”
I shook my head slowly. It was the first time I heard the whole story, but I pretty much knew the gist of it. It was just so sad. I was trying not to get choked up. I didn’t want to cry. I was just scared for my friend.
“So how is he?” I asked, knowing it was the worst thing I could say, but the one thing I had to know.
“He can move his shoulders a little. We thought for a while he wasn’t going to be able to use his legs, cause I heard he could use his fingers. He can’t. He can’t move anything below his shoulders. And he’s so upbeat.” Said Alex, and his eyes started to fill up with tears again.
“It’s just,” Alex went on, “Why Sean? Why did it have to be Sean? I mean, if it had happened to me or you, I mean, that would be terrible, but Sean? He’s just the nicest guy. Like, why couldn’t it have happened to someone else, someone who might in any way deserve it?”
“I know what you mean,” I said, “I was the first one who rushed him, remember? I knew right away he was one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. We brought him to the parties and I was like, ‘That’s a guy we need to keep around,’ you know? Most people, almost everyone, they have their own things they want, and they have people they like and people they don’t, and they try to get things done their way, but not Sean. I never heard of Sean saying anything bad about anyone. If there was someone Sean didn’t like, you would never know it because he would never say anything bad about anyone. But I doubt there was anyone Sean really didn’t like. He just saw the good in everyone. He treated everyone with respect, and he loved everyone.”
It wasn’t something I would have said to just anyone. Alex and I had been roommates before he graduated, and Becky had been dating him since I knew him. Even so, guys in college didn’t talk like that to each other. We rarely ever said the word love, and rarely showed our emotions so much that it was hard not to cry, and didn’t talk about loving people or loving friends. It just wasn’t the way we talked. But talking about Sean, it was about the only thing we could say.
“It was just such a freak accident,” said Alex, “I’m not a religious guy, but if I was I would be pissed off at God. Pissed off for him putting this kind of thing on Sean. Why couldn’t it have happened to someone with a shitty life, or someone who was an asshole, or even me, or anyone but Sean. I just hate that it happened, and I don’t have anything or anyone to flip my middle finger at and put the blame on them.”
“I know what you mean,” I said, “He’s just the best kind of people. I’m not religious either, but I wish there was a God for me to be pissed off at. Anyone for me to be pissed off at. Anger is so much easier than sorrow. Anger is easy, because it has a direction, something you can aim it at. Sorrow is so much harder. Sorrow is a broken compass in the middle of the woods at night.”
“Exactly, man,” said Becky, the first time I actually heard her speak more than a word since I came out. “I just feel all this sadness and it makes me feel all melancholy.”
I looked at her, and she closed her eyes tight, trying to hold back the tears. My eyes started welling up.
“Anyway, we should go get my dog,” she said, and she motioned for Alex to follow her.
We all stepped down off of the porch, all of our eyes full of tears, and all of us trying to be stronger than we were. We all stepped down to the yard, and as Alex and Becky were about to leave, Alex put his hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him. At that moment, he felt more like my brother than ever before. He had his other hand on Becky’s shoulder, and he pulled us both toward him, and we all hugged each other. We had our arms around each other and held each other tight.
“I love you,” he said. Again, this wasn’t what 23 year old guys said to each other.
“I love you too,” I said, “both of you.”
“I love you,” said Becky. It wasn’t just to Alex either. They had been dating for years, but the love she was telling us now was different. The kind of love between friends who will always remain friends. The love that friends talk about only when they need to feel it most.
The tears were flowing down all of our cheeks now. We held each other tightly, and just before our arms dropped and we let go and Becky and Alex walked away to get the dog, and before I went back into the party with loud happy drunks, dancing and yelling and smiling, I whispered the motto which hung on the door of Alex and my house, back when we were roommates. It was in Greek, but every one of our friends knew its meaning. During that conversation I finally learned what it truly meant;
“Kerothen Philoi Aie”
“Friends From The Heart, Forever”