My Hitch-Hiker

By BeamsAndVoids

Thu, 20 Mar 2008
  • 1171 reads
5 comments
 

You were a human sign
on the featureless plain,
many different suns had tanned your body
a warm honey glow,
the same shade as the peaks from where you came.

I couldn't resist
your fish-line thumb
hooking me and my volvo,
sunset eyes reeling us in.

Your bag took up the back
and scraggy hair the front,
the smell of adventure
wafting from under a sleeveless top.

I drove as far as I could
as far as a husband and son will allow,
the shortest car journey of my life
the longest goodbye.

Watching in the side mirror
you walked from my sight,
but each footprint
sank deep into my mind.

Ready to be called upon
on a daily school-run.

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Comments

Submitted by BeamsAndVoids on
I'd love feedback on this. Good or bad. Improvements?

 

Submitted by onemorething on
I love 'fish line thumb'...and 'human sign'. I liked the first three stanzas - I thought the last three were less evocative than the first three. In a sense this delivers the simplicity of going about something ordinary when something less ordinary happens - which is good, but I still felt like I wanted more from the second half. I think it's good though.

 

Submitted by raysawriter on
I like the idea behind this poem alot. You have used some clever imigary to paint a picture of a brief hitch hiking encounter. The only suggestion I would make is that some of the long lines in Stanza 1 and maybe elsewhere would make the poem stronger... working on the principle that less is better. so for example you could consider changing 'many different suns had tanned your body a warm honey glow, the same shade as the peaks from where you came.' to your sun tanned body a warm honey glow, same as the peaks back home. Just a thought. Ray

Ray

Submitted by BeamsAndVoids on
Thanks for the comments. Doeslittle, glad you liked the start. I wanted the narrator to be overcome by this person, just randomly coming into their life, so I used imagery I thought suitable. But as it hit home that this person would very soon be gone the narrator's mood would change, ie less flowery, vivid images, more concrete down to earth facts. Raysawriter, I see where you're coming from but I wanted the initial encounter to be expressed lovingly, with longer, possibly more gushing lines as opposed to the end where it's short and sharp, to the point, reality. Thanks to both for taking the time. :)

 

Submitted by BeamsAndVoids on
I might do another version of it based on your feedback. A companion piece possibly, if the public want it! :)