The Weekend Adventure

The Great Weekend

The weekend away was finally booked, four glorious days visiting my
friend and her fianc? in the stunningly scenic Cotswolds. The train
tickets were booked, my bag was packed, my friend was given her strict
instructions to collect me at the other end and I was off!

Goodbye dreary Dundee, Hello to my weekend adventure and adventure was
an understatement.

First stop Edinburgh - easy peesy. I even managed to stop off to buy a
chicken sarnie and a hot cup of tea before I caught the next train to
Oxford - no troubles there then, until I realised I'd jumped onto the
wrong carriage. Armed with my tea, (hot tea, scolding hot tea, if you
get the picture) in one hand, and my chicken mayo salad sarnie in the
other, loaded with my rucksack on my back I proceeded on my mission to
find seat no. G10.

I had just passed carriage E and stepped straight into F. Suddenly,
Coach G had miraculously disappeared. I was now convinced that I was on
candid camera in a weak attempt at boosting the viewers ratings by
seeing poor defenceless 'chicks' struggling in the adult world. As I
struggled up and down the carriages my scolding hot Tea also struggled
- to stay in the cup! 'Splat' straight on top of an unsuspecting bald
man's head. I apologised profusely (as you do when confronted with
someone twice your size) but as his face grew redder from the shock of
first-degree burns, so did mine. All eyes in the carriage had now
turned to me and his language had turned "rather rude" (to say the
least) and his voice ascended to a high pitched SCREAM. I attempted a
second apology but he was shouting so loud that my meek, feeble voice
stood no chance at being heard, therefore I gave up and struggled
further up the carriage. To my horror, I realised that I had just gone
through Coach G. Need I divulge any further as to where my seat was
situated.

"Excuse me please Sir" my voice managed to croak.

"Oh, for Gods sake" was the irate reply, and as I squeezed passed him
into my seat I couldn't help smirk at the red mark forming on his bald
spot from where my tea landed on him! Oops! Oh come on, everyone has
that little devillish side.....don't they?

10 hours later (2 hours over the scheduled time) and I had arrived in
Oxford. I waited patiently until the brightly lit beacon to my left
(irate, loud, rude bald man) had departed the train before I struggled
off with my bags. I would have made the platform safely and in pretty
good form if I hadn't tripped over my bag strap to land with an "ouch"
on the ground. As I gathered myself up, trying to cause as little
attention to myself as possible, my friend jumped on me, and we both
flew (even bigger "Ouch") onto the ground...again....as she bombarded
me with hugs and kisses, telling me how much she missed me. I now
realised that she was definitely understating the fact of just how
homesick she really was.

Once she had squeezed enough blood out of my system, we proceeded to
her car, jumped in and started the long drive to her house. I, of
course, did the unthinkable as my friend started to rant and rave about
the goings on in her new life over the past few months, I drifted into
the land of nod. Luckily it was dark and she didn't notice me drifting
off, or my nodding doggy head, or my hand wiping the drool away from
dribbling down my chin - perceptive - isn't she?

Eventually we arrive.

After greeting the fianc? with a huge bear hug, I was beginning to feel
sleepy, but my friend insisted on cooking a 3 course meal on the
promise that I wandered to the shops to bring back the booze. The fresh
air on my walk wakened me and armed with numerous bottles of red wine,
white wine, Stella, Miller and Vodka, I wandered back to the house. Had
no trouble finding it as I just followed the 'yummy' aromas sifting
through the air. My favourite Spaghetti Bolognaise with a few glasses
of the old vino...was this heaven - no it was only Spaghetti Bolognaise
with a few glasses of the old vino - like I just said!

The atmosphere was relaxed, the meal finished, the wine almost
finished, when their next door neighbour found himself at a loose end
and ended up sitting opposite me at the dinner table with a deck of
cards. The gambler in me resurfaced.

"5 card poker, stakes start at 50 pence, you've got to be in it to win
it, if you don't know the rules don't waste my time, now who's in?" my
friend looked at me almost unrecognisably and I realised the
determination in my voice - domineering when I know how huh?

The game had begun, but the players were very slow and my head was
becoming a little fuzzy, but I managed to pick up on some of the
conversation. The words, 'help.....friend.....Hit man.......and
how?....' - I strangely noticed! On questioning what I had just heard,
I was told to 'keep out of it' by the new, slightly overbearingly
tattooed, shaven headed neighbour that I had the unfortunate position
of sitting directly opposite. I obeyed immediately and almost instantly
began sobering up. On opening my ears a little more, the conversation
circled rather cagily around the topic of 'hiring a hit-man'. As I
glanced across the table toward my friend I could see the astonishment
on her face but could also hear the words coming out of her
mouth.

I signalled towards her, as inconspicuously as I could, in order to
stop her from proceeding with this ridiculous conversation but was
spotted by the dodgy looking neighbour and he and the fianc? proceeded
to take their conversation into the living room, at the same time,
giving me an evil, 'twisted' "I know where you live" kind of
look.

My next obvious question was not "Any more wine?" But went along the
lines of "What the bloody hell is going on?"

My sweet naive little friend began the susceptible saga of "this friend
of a friend was in trouble and needed someone sorted out" (and believe
me she didn't mean a wag of your mothers finger and a tsk tsk tsk! Nope
this wasn't little league anymore!)
My friend knew that the neighbour could 'sort people out' and she was
just finding out a little more information for this other friend.

Note - thought to myself, next time, sod the expense and book a week in
the Tropics:)

Anyway, I needed something stronger to comprehend what I had just
heard, so I spied a bottle of Scotch whisky sitting on the kitchen
table and began pouring myself a glass and one for my friend. Shakily
raising the glasses to our mouths we gulped down the strangely
disgusting tasting whisky.

Note to self - remember you've never drunk whisky in your life and that
was the
reason why! Scot or not, we're not all whisky lovers damn it!

Next note to self - after the first 4 glasses of whisky, have decided
it's my new best
friend!

Things were beginning to get a little hazy but my confidence had now
soared through the roof, Braveheart had nothing on me now.

The fianc? had wandered back into the kitchen and began pestering my
friend for a drink, I saw this as my chance. I struggled to my feet and
slunk towards the living room. Standing in the doorway I made eye
contact with the slightly overbearingly tattooed, shaven headed
neighbour, but he kinda scared me, so I looked away after a few seconds
- Braveheart now had my permission to laugh at me. Slowly, I steadied
myself and bravely began to move my legs one in-front of the other,
rather unsteadily, until I was face to face with the slightly
overbearingly tattooed, shaven headed neighbour.

It was time to take the bull by the horns, bite the bullet and all that
'jazz', it was time to sort this mess out.

I went for the honest, yet slightly 'take your life in your own hands'
approach. "Erm, hi there. Look, I don't mean to poke my head in here,
but I think these guys are in a little bit over their heads. Nobody
really needs to 'sort anybody out' .... Do they?", my nerves had got
the better of me and I had suddenly developed an uncontrollable
stutter.

The slightly overbearingly tattooed, shaven headed neighbour turned to
me and honestly for a moment I could have sworn the memories of my
birth, primary school, the first school play where I was the tree (the
tree was the most important part in Sleeping Beauty - my mum used to
tell me and its true!), all the memories of my secondary school,
college, work, travelling...wait my whole life flashed in front of my
eyes and for a moment I was distracted as my whole life really didn't
seem all that exciting!.......but only for a second..............as he
turned to me and on closer inspection a coy smile began developing
across his face. A hesitant laugh began to erupt from his mouth. My
mouth was open now too and a nervous laugh also erupted. I had done my
duty, I had thrown laughter into the situation - the slightly
overbearingly tattooed shaven headed neighbour, was laughing. However,
2 seconds later and the laughter stopped.

He turned to face me and my leg started to shake uncontrollably and he
said "Come on, look at me. Do you honestly think I could do anyone any
harm?" he muttered, in a rather polite voice.

I did as he said and looked at him for a moment. My immediate thought
was "bloody hell yes I do think that you could crush a humans skull
with the mere tips of your pinkies" but the words that came out of my
mouth were more of a sympathetic nature "No, of course not. Wouldn't
dream of thinking such a thing!" (Well I didn't think he could do
anyone any harm.................honest? HE'S SOOO BIG AND SCARY - THIS
WHITE LIE IS ALLOWED!)

The rest of the conversation took an unusual twist and my new companion
started to re-live his WHOLE LIFE, and kept emphasising the fact that
people always seem quick to judge and misunderstand him because of the
way he looks. (But who would do such a thing - gulp!). After approx.
half an hour of listening to this poor defenceless man, I found myself
flinging my arms around him in an embracing hug. Queen of Comfort I had
become. However I soon regretted this title, as I looked up and saw my
friend and her fiance standing in the doorway watching us with a
strange expression on their face..... as I tried to pull away from my
new companion to see his face, I saw it crumple up into such a screwed
up expression I had only ever seen on my Aunties Bulldog...........my
new companion let out an almighty cry - ever seen a grown man cry - not
pretty, but to see a slightly overbearingly tattooed, shaven headed
neighbour cry - is definitely not a sight you are likely to forget in a
hurry. I looked back to the doorway and noticed my friends skulking
back into the kitchen, and I knew that I had to go too. I slowly began
to stand up from the sofa, but was grabbed in yet another, embracing
hug, and now the crying was echoing in my
ears...........................for 3 SOLID HOURS......one can still
hear the crying ringing through my head to this day (6 months
later!).

And that was my eventful weekend.

Note to self - Next time - the Tropics and my overdraft can carry the
expense!

The End