The List, Chapter 2, Finding Rose

2. Finding Rose

‘Hi, is this seat taken?’

It’s a sweet and chirpy sound. It hurts my ears. I start a little as I realise it’s a girl, with golden hair and milky skin, and she’s looking me straight in the eyes.

‘Er, sorry, is this seat taken?’ she chirps again.

I’m dead silent. I don’t know what to say, I don’t even know if I know how to speak anymore. I haven’t spoken to another soul in years. And still she looks me in the eye. And still she hasn’t flinched.

‘Oh...yes. You can sit here.’

My voice is croaky and gruff, my throat feels dry. I desperately lick my lips. My expression has been resigned to a frown for so long, I’ve forgotten how to smile. I give it my best shot.

‘Er, are you alright?’

She looks concerned. My smile must be horrendous. But still, she isn’t frightened. I’m confused.

‘Fine,’ I croak, ‘are you alright?’

The rest of the class is looking at us now. Well, looking at her. They’re too scared to meet my eyes. Their faces are incredulous. I imagine mine looks similar.

‘Oh yes, I’m fine.’

She smiles at me. I blink a few times in shock. No one ever smiles at me. I don’t attempt to smile back, but I don’t want to look away, so I just stare at her.

‘Do I have something on my face? I’m a right scruffy mess, you know. Always got a piece of food on me.’

She starts rubbing at her cheek, still smiling as she does so. And I’m totally mesmerised by her. She’s totally at ease. Totally unaware. Totally unafraid.

‘No, no,’ I croak, ‘you look lovely.’

She blushes a little now. Have I embarrassed her? I didn’t mean to embarrass her.

‘I’m sorry.’ I say, desperate for her to like me.

‘What for?’ she trills.

Her voice is so captivating, I could listen to the sound forever.

‘For making you rub your cheek.’

She shoots me a quizzical look and laughs. It’s just a little giggle, but it’s beautiful.

‘Oh, don’t worry about it. Like I said, I’m always a mess.’

She giggles again. It’s so wonderful.

I find myself desperate to join in. So I give it a go. I try to translate how happy I feel into a laugh, but it doesn’t work. What emits is somewhere between a cow’s moo and a dog’s bark. I cover my mouth in shame.

I expect her to feel afraid now. Hell, I’d be afraid of me after that. The rest of the class is full-on staring. She’s noticed the attraction we’ve caused. Surely she’ll walk away.

But she doesn’t. She turns back to me and she’s still smiling. I feel my heart leap a little. She touches my arm. I get goosebumps.

‘Thank you for letting me sit next to you,’ she says, ‘everyone else looks rather intimidating.’

I have to physically stop myself from gasping. She finds them intimidating. I’m so confused.

‘Don’t you find me intimidating?’

My voice is still deep and gruff, but still she remains calm and interested. Still she keeps her hand on my arm.

‘No, I don’t,’ she says sweetly, ‘why should I?’

She smiles again and I’m overwhelmed. I notice two dimples form when her lips turn up. They’re enchanting. And her skin looks soft. Like silk. Or satin. It’s smooth and inviting.

‘Well, most people are. That’s why I’m sitting at the back. On my own.’

‘Well, I find packs of teenagers intimidating. That’s why I left my last school. I wasn’t really... liked.’

Oh. She was disliked? I can’t hide my shock.

‘Why wouldn’t anyone like you?’

She smiles again and I notice the colour of her eyes. Sparkling green. She shrugs off my question.

‘Mmn, girls’ schools can be bitchy.’

She looks down now and I get a feeling other than warmth from her for the first time, but it still isn’t fear. I think that it’s sadness. It feels familiar.

‘Are you alright?’ I ask.

I’m conscious of everything I do. I want to touch her arm, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I want to move my chair closer, but I don’t want to seem weird. The only thing I’m able to do is look her in the eyes.

‘You have lovely eyes,’ she says, ‘ice blue. Beautiful.’

She smiles again, before the bell rings and she’s packing her things away.

I don’t know what to make of her. Normally when people look in my eyes, pure fear radiates from their own. But she isn’t afraid of me, in fact, she’s nice to me. She seems to like me. I’m utterly fascinated by her.

‘I wish you didn’t have to go.’

God, I sound like a moron. I haven’t talked properly for twenty years and I’m out of practice. Everything that pops in just comes shooting out.

‘Well, I’ll see you around. I’m Rose. Rose White.’

As she strikes out her hand, her name strikes a familiar chord with me. I know it, but I can’t think where from.

‘Jude. Jude Smith.’

Smith was the most generic name I could think of when I arrived here. I was called Jude when I was alive. I couldn’t keep my previous last name; people might have heard of my story. They might recognise me.

‘Well, lovely to meet you Jude.’

We shake hands and I feel my legs buckle a little. I hold onto the desk for support.

I stare after her a moment. She walks lightly and quickly, weaving through the crowd of people, her blonde hair falling down her back. Rose White. The first person I’ve had a conversation with in twenty years.

Rose White. Rose. White... White. I suddenly know why her name is familiar. I look back down to the List. There it is. Right near the bottom.

Lily White.