The White Family, Chapter 5, The List

5. The White family

I sit with Lily and Rose, while Mrs. White makes the dinner. I stare for a long time as they talk to one another. It’s mesmerising. Dazzling smile meets dazzling smile. Sparkling eyes meet sparkling eyes. I drink in every move. I don’t want to miss any of it.

I’m distracted once more by Lily’s head scarf. I find myself desperate to know what’s wrong with her, if there is any hope of survival. If there is any hope Lily can disappear from the List, if there is any hope she can get better.

‘Jude, are you alright?’

Rose has broken my trance. Embarrassed, I shuffle my hands.

‘Y-yes,’ I stammer, ‘I was just thinking about dinner.’

What a stupid thing to say, I think. I need to get better at this whole conversation thing.

‘Jude is obsessed with bread, Lily. Just like you!’ Rose says.

Lily smiles at me. I feel the need to say something to her, rather than stare weirdly.

‘You like bread?’ I say.

She looks amused. Why do I always embarrass myself?

‘Yes. I always think, a good slice of toast, or a chunky sandwich, would be my choice of meal before I die.’ she says.

I don’t believe it. She’s mirrored my words. My mouth visibly drops open.

‘I’m exactly the same!’ I say excitedly.

‘Good choice!’ Lily laughs.

Rose is stroking Lily’s arm now. They’ve cuddled up on the sofa. I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. Or sadness. I’m not quite sure. It reminds me of a time when I was alive. A time when I used to comfort my sister.

‘Are you alright, Jude?’ Rose asks me, jolting me back to the present.

‘Yes, why?’

‘You looked sad, that’s all.’

I breathe out the air that had become trapped in my throat. I shake the image of my sister from my mind. That was then. There is no going back. That’s what he said. You cannot undo death.

‘I’m fine.’ I lie.

Rose stares at me a moment. Lily has closed her eyes against her chest. Seeing Rose comfort her sister, it makes me admire her even more. And as she looks at me, I feel as though she can read my every thought. I feel as though she could make me real again. As if the green holds some supernatural power.

‘Dinner’s ready!’

The spell is broken. Rose directs her eyes to the kitchen and helps Lily up. I offer Lily my arm and she takes it.

‘Why thank you, sir.’ she says mockingly.

‘You’re welcome.’ I reply sincerely.

As I hold onto Lily’s arm, I can feel how frail she is, all skin and bones. I feel an overwhelming sense of pity. At least, I think that it’s pity. I can never be sure. Her face betrays no sadness or bitterness. She is all smiles, beside the occasional tired sigh. Quite simply, she is miraculous.

The White family are animated and lively over dinner. Rose and Lily laugh over the time Lily fell face first into cat food when she was only five. Mrs. White strokes Lily’s face as she remembers it. She looks into her eyes fondly.

Lily is energetic for most of the meal, however as Mrs. White suggests dessert, her head falls into her hand in a tired fashion.

‘Darling, are you alright?’ she asks her daughter with worried eyes.

‘Mmn, just tired. I think I’ll go lie down.’ Lily says faintly.

I examine her face. She looks more drawn and pale than before. Her eyes are watery and weary. Mr. White jumps up from his seat. In one swift movement, he has Lily in his arms.

‘Right, come on. I’ll carry you to your throne, princess.’

Lily smiles.

‘Thanks Dad.’

‘Only the best for royalty, my darling.’

He carries her back into the living room as Mrs. White stares after them. Dessert has been forgotten. She starts clearing away the plates.

I look at Rose. She’s staring after Lily into the lounge. The green is tortured now, her ivory skin is ever paler. The warm freckles have almost disappeared. Impulsively, I put my hand over hers.

‘Thank you,’ she whispers.

I don’t say anything. I savour the feel of Rose’s skin against my own. It makes me... feel. It makes me alive. I don’t know whether it’s real or an illusion, but I don’t want to let it go, I don’t want to let Rose White go.

‘Let’s go upstairs.’

Rose leads me up the beige carpeted staircase. All the while, my hand is still in hers. I hold on tight, probably too tightly.

Rose’s room is lavender purple. She has lavender sheets and lavender walls, except for one white wall. It’s beautiful. Calming. Safe. I notice various pictures decorating the chest of drawers. Pictures of Lily and Rose. Pictures of the whole White family. All smiles and laughter.

Rose sits on the bed and puts her head in her hands. She lets out a heavy sigh, so that her whole body shakes. Tentatively, I move beside her. I put an arm around her.

‘I’m sorry, Jude. Sometimes it just gets to me, you know?’

‘Yes. I know.’

I think back to my sister and how much I loved her. I do know.

‘She’s always so strong. So clear about everything. When you see her get tired or... worse. You just don’t expect it. Even though you do, because you know she’s sick, but it still hits you fresh every time. A fresh reminder.’
Rose is staring at her beige floor. I wonder if she’s afraid of me now. I don’t want her to be afraid of me.

‘Are you scared?’ I ask her, desperate to know her thoughts.

She pauses a moment, still looking at the carpet.

‘Sort of. Yes and no, really. I’m not scared of Lily dying. I know that’s inevitable. And Lily doesn’t want us to be scared, so we’ve learnt not to be. You see, Lily almost died last year. She collapsed and they almost couldn’t revive her. But when they did, and she was brought back to us, she said she’d seen what was next, and that there was nothing to be afraid of. She said it looked light, calm. She said she’s not afraid of going there.’

‘So that helped us, made us feel a bit better about it all. So, I’m not so much scared of death. I’m more scared about other things.’
Rose starts fiddling with the silver ring on her finger. She’s uncomfortable, I can tell.

‘What other things?’ I ask.

‘Well, I’m afraid that she’s in pain and that it will be painful. That probably frightens me the most. I can’t bear to think of her in pain, but I know she is in pain. She says not, but I know she is sometimes. I can hear her coughs at night. It sounds... painful. I count them. There’s usually about ten bursts, then she falls asleep. Only I have to check she is asleep and not... gone. So I go in and feel for her breathing. Mum’s always in there. At first she tried to stop me checking, said she can handle it, but now she lets me. It makes me feel better.’

‘I understand.’ I say quietly.

‘But... it’s another selfish thing I’m scared of. I’m scared of what I’ll do without her. I’m scared of how I’ll live without her. She’s my best friend, my only friend. And I love her so, so much... I don’t think I can bear losing her. Thinking about her not being here... it hurts so much. I try not to let her see how much it will hurt. I try to keep positive, but it really will. I don’t want her to leave me. I want her to stay.’

Rose is crying silent tears now. They trickle tremulously down her cheeks. Her body is shaking. My arm still rests around her. I pull her towards me.

I desperately want to comfort her. I desperately want to tell her that maybe Lily will get better; maybe she doesn’t have to leave. Not for a long while, at least.

But I can’t say any of that, because I know it would be a lie. Lily’s name is printed on the List. I know it is only a matter of time.